Post # 1
Well my mad weed-whacker (FH) has done it again. I actually cringe when he announces he is going to weed whack as I know I am going to lose some sort of valuable plants. Last time it was my chrysanthemums – this time it was my bleeding heart that I had for years and one of the few plants that survived the move. And my ornamental milkweed AND my green beans growing along the garden fence.
The first time FH weed whacked – he completely demolished a perennial herb garden that took YEARS to develop because of the poor mountain soil. So I told him to PLEASE let me walk around with him first and show him the plants he should not cut down.
So this morning, I walk around the house and show him the lilies, the hydrangeas, the rosemary he must not cut. I started to move on the front yard and he stopped me. “I don’t have enough line to do that area.” So I left to do some weeding in the garden in the back yard. A little later, much to my chagrin, I discovered he did NOT stick to just around the house, went on to the front yard and destroyed the bleeding heart, ALL the green beans and the milkweeds.
I was pissed. I am still pissed. An honest mistake is one thing but this is another. I am so pissed I am afraid of what will come out of my mouth so I am keeping it zipped. I have learned that when I am really pissed, some really nasty stuff can come flying out so I zip it. Those nasty words spoken in anger can come back to haunt you!
So I just overheard him talking with his Mom bemoaning the fact I am giving him “the silent treatment”. When he got off the phone I told him it was not the silent treatment but me merely keeping my mouth zipped until I can talk in a calm rational manner. HE claims it is the same thing. I say it is not. What do you think bees?
Post # 3
They are two totally different things, in my opinion! But, to a man who has only good intentions and doesn’t know if/why you are upset..I can see the confusion.
Good for you for keeping your mouth shut until you can be calm and rational. I try really hard to do the same thing.
I’m sorry he keeps killing your plants, though 🙁
Post # 4
My SO does that to me and I hate it! He says he doesn’t want to upset me, but not being spoken to IS upsetting.
Its one thing to cool down and go for a walk or some alone time, its another to stop talking for several hours. 🙁
Post # 5
@trueblue14: I don’t think so but my DH does. I find myself in the same situation at times. Is there a way you can mark or fence your garden areas?
Post # 6
I don’t understand not telling him that you’re upset. He destroyed your plants…and that’s pretty stupid, seeing as it’s pretty obvious what a weed is versus not a weed.
Post # 7
@trueblue14: Sorry about your plants – I would be so upset. I think, to him, it may feel like the same thing, but sometimes restraing yourself until you can speak rationally is very smart – and he should recognize the difference, seeing as you spoke to him enough to explain it.
Once this is over, sometime when you’re not angry, maybe sit down and explain why you sometimes go quiet when you’re upset. It should help him understand that it’s not the childish act of silent treatment, but truly thinking before you speak. Also, maybe spend some time going through the garden together soon, before he needs to weedwhack again.
Post # 8
Time for some plant markers. Or go weed wack his car/videogame console/or whatever else he likes
The former is probably more mature. Sounds like he doesn’t care enough to pay attention.
Post # 9
Well at least he now knows if something is currently flowering (like the lilies and the coneflowers), he should leave it alone. And if it is an obvious bush, like the azaleas. But herbaceous plants all look the same to him. I understand that. That’s why I asked (pleaded actually) to please let me indicate the plants to avoid before cutting. Today’s issue is that he whacked an area he told me he wasn’t going to do, then destroyed those plants. A mere minute or two could have prevented this.
And yes, I am talking to him again, although I am still kind of perturbed. The bleeding heart hurts the worse. MOST of my plants did not survive the move two years ago. Last year the poor thing struggled to live and this spring I was so delighted when it flowered! Now it’s gone. Sigh! Yes I can get another one next spring, but gee whiz.
Post # 10
And you’re not going to talk to him about it??
Post # 11
@trueblue14: I think that when you are angry with someone and refuse to speak to them about ANYTHING, that is the silent treatment. When you are angry and are refusing to speak about the topic that angered you until your are feeling calmer and have your thoughts sorted out, you are holding your tongue. I actually think the later strategy is a fairly good strategy for handling conflict, whereas the silent treatment is letting anger build too far. I also think the silent treatment can be especiailly ineffective when you just sit and stew, particularly in the physical presence of the person you are upset with – like a little kid stomping around the house. I think it’s more effective to busy yourself with something else when holding your tongue, like going on a errand.
And uh, I think it’s pretty rude that your husband complained to his mother about your reaction to his mistake. If he’s going to be that way, complaining to mommy, I think he needs to lose his weed-whacking priviledges for a few weeks and go to the garden store with you to replace your ruined plants.
Post # 12
@trueblue14: I think ignoring someone to prove a point is the silent treatment. I thinking biting your tongue is making yourself not say something rude when you want to. Either way, it is all semantics. Regardless of what you call it, you need to discuss issues in a calm, rational manner and if it takes you awhile to feel calm and rational then so be it. You don’t have to totally ignore him though – you can talk about other things until you feel ready to discuss what is bothering you.
Also, my biggest concern is that he ran to his mom. Really? Unless someone is in your relationship, they really have no business knowing all the details. I would say it is time to cut the apron strings and separate “wife” and “mom” into distinct realms. I don’t want to offend you but he does sound a bit like a mama’s boy in this one situation.
Post # 13
When I want space and am biting my tongue, I will often tell the person that. Recently I told my partner that I was not ignoring him, was going to walk the dogs, and would hopefully talk when I got back. He knows that I have a temper, so if I say I can’t talk it’s b/c if I do, I’m afraid I’ll explode and go way over teh top.