(Closed) Bitten by jealousy

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
82 posts
Worker bee

Dealing with jealousy is hard, especially when you feel guilty about it.

My SO and I have been together for nearly 5 years. My best friend will have gotten together, engaged, and married during 3 of those years. Talk about one of those “But I thought I was first?” moments. I am really happy for them and it makes sense because she just graduated college and will be moving to England to be with him anyways. But there is a little part that still makes me bitter. While I could absolutely careless about her big, lavish fairy tale wedding (my SO and I are more low key and want maybe 40 people), it still makes me a little sad because I want to be married to the man I already see as my husband. Also doesn’t help that, according to my SO’s best friend, he wants to propose but doesn’t want to steal the thunder from my friend…so I have to wait. I think it’s harder to not be even more bitter about that.

But, as her bridesmaid and a best friend, I must remember that it is HER day and that a wedding DOES NOT define a marriage. It will be my turn one day, just like it will be yours. And it will be special for the two of you. Plus who knows…maybe one of them will be a bridezilla and make you opt for eloping (my SO was happy when I said that last week).

Post # 18
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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ciel:  I can’t really help with the TTC part of your dilemma, but I can offer some moral support with the house VS wedding part.

Me and SO bought our first house nearly 2 years ago now (damn, makes me feel so old). We hadn’t even graduated and we got the key one day after SO’s 21st – hold the ‘you’re so young’ chorus, heard it before. We hadn’t really discussed marriage at that point, but we knew we wanted to be together long term, so we bought.

It was so busy with the renovation, we had the key for literally 18 hours and the bathroom and frontdoor were taken out, kitchen out, walls down… yadda yadda. Eventually it started to clow down, working bathroom and electrics! SO’s brother got engaged and started planning a wedding and then the waiting bug caught me. I was super jealous that they were getting married, albeit they’re 5 years older than us, but it felt like I was READY then.

During these last 2 years, some old friends who got together at the same time SO and I did have got married, other friends and facebook people have gotten engaged, married and had babies while we’ve been picking out bathroom suites, bigging tonnes of garden, building walls, and exposing Welsh stone in the bedroom and bathroom. 

Everytime I get jealous I have to take a step back and appreciate everyone makes the decision that suits their lives. I wouldn’t change our choice now. We have a home, somewhere we are going to spend a long time, we are moulding it to suit us, and also we have a financial foothold on the property ladder whereas our married friends are renting or even living with their parents.

Keep your chin up and think of your beautiful home you and SO have now and what you are creating – a home for you and your future children. Good luck xx

Post # 19
351 posts
Helper bee

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ciel:  I feel your pain!  I’m in a similar situation – my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have a house together and have been together for 5 years.  I’m turning 30 this year and want to start a family soonish.  An engagement has been on the cards for over a year.  In February, my BF’s little brother proposed to his Girlfriend (who is 6 years younger than me) and we wanted to give them some time before we get engaged.  Then on Easter Sunday, my best friend go engaged…

We’re still going to get engaged when we want.  I think that you can’t live your life based on other people’s timelines.  Otherwise something will always come up.

As for wedding comparisons, again I say do what you want.  It sounds like the two weddings will be so different that comparisons will be difficult.

Post # 20
7 posts

Just because they’ll be pouring money into their wedding does not mean it’ll be “perfect.” It could end up being over the top and tacky, for all you know. And perfect by whose standards? It’s not your type of wedding, so while some people might be oohing and ahhing over the champagne fountains or what ever, some people might think your future low-key small wedding is perfect.

Stop listening to people asking you absured questions like when you’ll be getting married. As though you have a date set and you’re keeping it a secret.

They ask: “When will it be you two?”

You reply: “We don’t believe in getting married until Brad Pitt wins an Academy Award. Thank you for respecting our religious choices.” Then walk away.

Post # 21
699 posts
Busy bee

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ciel:  Ah don’t feel bad. I know EXACTLY how you a feeling – we waited 9 years to get engaged because we were students too long blah blah – now we’re thirty and I want to be married 4 years ago! It’s as if time snuck up and it should have been my turn already and babies should be happening!!! And then you meet all these younger girls with more money and they’re married and have bigger rocks than you and excellent vacations… dammit! But it’s ok. Your time is coming and it will be perfect for you and your Fiance when it happens. This is how it’s meant to be. 🙂

Post # 22
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Zhabeego:  Every relationship is different. It’s not reckless or foolhardy to buy a home or combine finances with your SO if you are at the appropriate stage in your relationship. 

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ciel:  I definitely get where you are coming from with the jealousy. I am totally fine with where I am in my relationship… until someone close to me gets engaged. I too have had the “I guess we are next” thoughts only to be greeted by bitter disppointment when it was someone else instead. Relief comes from within. As hard as it is we have to separate our relationships from those around us. We too chose to purcahse a home before getting married. The timing just worked out that way and I couldn’t be happier about that. Sometimes I have to take a step back and really think about all the things I have to be grateful for with my relationship. At the end of the day we are currently spending our lives together and isn’t that all we want in the long run?

Post # 23
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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ciel:  You’re not a terrible person and if you are, then I am too! I have been in a relationship for 6.5 years and I know a ring is coming soon. I haven’t been “waiting” for a long time or anything…we just feel that it’s the right time in our lives now that we’ve both been working for a a few years and paying down some of our college debt. That said, SO’s sister met a guy in October and married him last weekend. It stung a bit and I know it’s not a competition, but it can be hard to not be a little jealous. I think it’s normal, but try to get passed that and get excited for your own wedding and life that you will soon been sharing with your SO as a married couple.

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