Bitter about my parents-in-law, am I out of line?

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

hpln2008 :  She’s a bully. Even if it leads to fights, if your husband won’t say anything when she comes over, then confronting her yourself and putting your foot down is the only way.

Post # 3
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Tell your husband his mother is becoming an issue for you, and you want to head it off for his sake. For that reason you need certain boundaries so your relationship can hopefully change into a more mutually respectful one.

He is her son, you will let him handle communication with her and you will handle your parents.

Your home is your office. Your career is important so while you are happy to host them for lunch, dinner, coffee in your home, if they come for extended stays they need to stay in air bnb or hotels. You made a mistake giving up your bed for them, they are guests, you should host them generously but not cede your position as hosts and householders.

If she contradicts or attacks you, calmly say “Why would you say something like that?” Or “That’s very rude Barbara.”If she persists announce that you are leaving now and follow through. Your husband either follows you or finds his own way home later. If it’s your house, leave and go to a friend’s or a restaurant. 

She behaves the way she does because she isn’t very nice and her family let her get away with it. You either take uncomfortable steps now or put up with this and worse for the rest of your marriage. 

In summary, DON’T ENGAGE! – she loves a good scrap and penis-measuring competition. Just cut her off and give consequences for every single incidence of bad behaviour, – and be sweetness and light the rest of the time. A benefit of this is that it will KILL her.

Try not to row with you husband about her, once you’ve made clear how you are going to approach this, just get on with it, don’t go round in circles trying to get his agreement that she’s a bitch and shouldn’t have said/done xyz  

 

Post # 4
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

She sounds very mentally ill and unstable.  Don’t let her run your household.  Insist that your in-laws ask you in advance if it’s okay to visit and make them stay in a hotel.  You need to create healthy boundaries in your home. 

Post # 5
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You need the DWIL (dealing with in-laws) board over at the babycenter website.  The ladies and gents there will have excellent advice for you – it might be harsh, but it will all be good.  My thoughts are:

– The taking over your household is very clearly showing you that she is in charge – it’s like a dog peeing on his territory.  Don’t let it happen.

– Your Darling Husband has to be on your side, which he currently isn’t.  Counselling so that he learns that he has to leave his parents and cleave to you – he chose to form a family with you and you have to be his number one priority, not his mommy.  He needs to realise that he is jeopardising YOUR relationship by putting his mommy first.

– They DO NOT stay in your house.  Ever.  If they are in your area, they stay in a hotel.  When they self-invite, you need to say “that doesn’t work for us.  Here is a list of nice local hotels.”  When she kicks and screams, which she undoubtedly will, say “you seem to be having trouble controlling your emotions.  Maybe we can discuss this when you’re calmer.”  Then hang up/end the Skype call. 

– If they are staying at a hotel and want to come and visit, your Darling Husband must be at home and fully engaged in the conversation at all times.  No going out to the garage to do guy stuff with his dad.  If his mommy is in the room, he is too.  And no playing on his phone/watching TV; he is attentive and participating in the conversation, and standing up to her when she puts you down or says something horrible.  Ideally they don’t come to your house – you meet them at a restaurant where you pay for your food as you order, so you can get up and leave at any time.  You have the car keys at all times.

– If your husband tries the “that’s just the way she is” line, throw it back at him.  “Your mom is causing issues in OUR relationship and I won’t stand for it – and that’s just the way I am.  Who do you want to make happy – the woman who you chose to marry and sleep in the same bed as, or your mommy who is still treating you like a disobedient child?  Think very carefully about your answer.”

– Block her on social media and your phone.  All communication should be from your Darling Husband.

Post # 6
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Next time she tries to take your bedroom, ask her why she likes sleeping in the bed that you fuck her son in? Tell her that’s quite inappropriate.

 

All of this blows my mind. Don’t let her come over. And DEFINITELY do not let her anywhere near your bedroom. Are you kidding me!?

 

You need DWIL. Right now. She’s going to be a huge issue in your life and you need to put her in her place now

Post # 7
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I have huge boundary issues with my home. I would lose my s**t with this woman.

Darling Husband has obviously developed a coping mechanism over the years to deal with her and PPs are right – she’s nothing but a bully. You need to talk with Darling Husband and help him understand that you aren’t the same as him, and you need boundaries of your own, as well as boundaries as a married couple. Everyone has to put up with in-law drama at some point, but when it affects you in your own home, it’s time to stand up to her and show her that she doesn’t intimidate you and she is on your territory.

this post makes me so mad!

Post # 8
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

They need to get an air bnb next time they come into town.  

Post # 9
Member
2002 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Not gong lie bee. You let this go on for 9 years dating now that your marry you want change. Do your best but it be hard to retrain her and new husband

Post # 10
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

You need Dealing With In-Law Nation. ASAP! https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

These ladies are wonderful at helping people articulate boundaries.

Your Darling Husband married you. You are his Family now. All others are extended family.

It does not matter how long this has gone on. 9 years or9 months or 9 days. You are entitled to all of your feelings and your Darling Husband needs to help by handling his mother.

Post # 11
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Olgarie :  While I agree that it shouldn’t matter how long they’ve been dating, it is also true that she had previously accepted this situation -perhaps this was a reason why her Darling Husband proposed?

I think that suddently expecting her Darling Husband to stand up for her is a little bit unrealistic, and while she can do everything to demand to be respected by her Mother-In-Law, until her Darling Husband stands up to her, most of the issues will remain -or even worsen, impacting on their relationship (i.e. Darling Husband wants his parents to stay with them, OP doesn’t.)

OP, I think the best solution is to go to therapy with your Darling Husband and try to solve things out there. But you should keep in mind that perhaps he’d be unwilling to change his relationship with his mother. 

Post # 12
Member
5863 posts
Bee Keeper

You confront your husband first. “That’s just the way she is” is NOT an acceptable reason for him to let things go on as they are. It sounds like she’s bullied your Father-In-Law and your husband into passive non-confrontational roles. If they want to live their lives like that and have everyone around them alienated by her, then that’s their call. However it isn’t fair for him to expect you to just tow the line and adopt your own passive role. IMO he totally gets how out of line his mother can be, he just doesn’t want to stand up to her, not even for his own wife’s sake. Bottom line, he’d rather do what’s easiest than what’s right- this is where the real battle is because frankly your only choices for change here are either your husband showing a united front wtih you and refusing to be bullied or him standing passively by while an all out war ensues between you and your bullying possibly unstable Mother-In-Law. 

Post # 14
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

I have an unbearable Mother-In-Law. So, so, so much worse than what you described. She lives with us and is completely financially dependent on us. I can’t stand her. BUT. She is my husbands mother. He knows what his Mum is like but he loves her. As much as I would prefer to not have her around, it would absolutely kill my husband to not help her financially. However, the only reason I tolerate her crap is because in every single instance, every time my Mother-In-Law has tried to get under my skin, my husband has pulled her up on it (and she does it much, much, much less now). He has always defended me and if she gets too much he listens and sends her to her sisters place/overseas for awhile or we (my husband, child and I) go away for awhile. It’s the only thing that works. I’ve come to realise no matter how much I kick and scream about her, she’s not going to disappear. BUT your husband needs to make it clear he is on your side and you are the priority. If she insults your family, your husband should let her know it’s not acceptable and you shouldn’t have to tell him to defend you, it should be his natural instinct. 

Post # 15
Member
5884 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

hpln2008 :  I think you start by drawing a few hard lines.

1) When his parents visit, they do NOT get your bedroom.  

2) When his parents visit, they can stay for a max of x days, unless they want to stay in a hotel.  Given that you work from home and it sounds like your home is small, this is just practical.

I’d start there with your Darling Husband.  Ultimately you cannot change your Mother-In-Law, but you and your Darling Husband should be able to change some of the ways that you interact.  You’ll need his support to do this as he should be the ones drawing lines with his parents.

If you think your need to please his parents is a contributing componente here, you can work on that yourself, but I’d say to just start by taking a few concrete steps.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors