(Closed) Bitter is the only way to put it……(FMIL vent)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, you’re really not supposed to ask people for money for your wedding, you know?  Much in the same way that you think its super old fashioned for the bride’s family to pay it’s also old fashioned for the grooms family to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  She isn’t required to and shouldn’t be expected to contribute to your wedding finances.  I’m a big believer in ‘if you can’t afford it don’t have it’.  Have a simple wedding that you guys know you can afford on your own.  That’s how the rest of your married life will be anyway – on your own – so starting now is great practice!

On to the excited part – that does suck.  Some people just don’t get excited like that over weddings, even for their children.  My Mom is like that, too.  She’s just like ‘tell me where and when’ and that’s it.  She was even moody over having to buy a new dress and be in pictures 😛  She’s a pain in the ass that way, though.  She doens’t like to do anything social and her and my dad are homebodies.  Maybe she’s this way, too?  I guess if it’s any comfort at least she isn’t in your business non-stop 🙂

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

If your Fiance is upset wit their lack of excitement he should say something.  She probably thinks she is doing you a favor by keeping out of it. Ask her to be more involved and tell her you WANT her to be involved.  

Post # 5
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this–the wedding planning process is already so emotional that it’s easy to get upset, especially when you feel like your future family isn’t being supportive. 

It might help to imagine if you were in the opposite situation–what if your Future Mother-In-Law was so involved in your wedding (both emotionally and financially) that everything had to be her way, everything was a huge deal to her, and she was stressing you out all the time over details?  That, to me, would be WAY worse.  Just try to enjoy the planning and don’t worry about things you can’t change.

Post # 6
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You could always phrase the ask in a different way. That is what my Fiance and I did with his parents. We both didn’t feel right asking them for money (as we shouldn’t) so we said if they’d like to support or help plan any part of the wedding, we would be happy to have them do that. My parents could only give a small bit so me and my Fiance are paying for the bulk of the wedding. We are lucky to have a nice savings.

His parents have offered to do the rehearsal dinner and are taking care of everything completely (planning, hosting, and paying) for it. They have also since said they will be contributing some money to us but they didn’t tell us how much. I am not counting on the money of course and wouldn’t be upset if they didn’t give us any. It will just be an added bonus if they do end up contributing.

Post # 7
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m not expecting my parents or my future in-laws to pay for our wedding. Just like you said times have changed and the parents of the couple dont HAVE to foot the bill.  IMO I dont think you should be bitter since she seems to have nothing against you and nothing against you marrying her son.

Post # 8
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Perhaps she doesn’t want to step on your toes. My Mother-In-Law was helpful during the planning process but I could tell she didn’t want to overstep and take over what I wanted to or my mother wanted to do.

Maybe she’s just not that “into” weddings. Not every women likes the idea of planning a wedding so maybe she’s not unenthused but it’s just not her style to ask about all the details like someone would if they loved weddings.

I don’t think you can really ask them to pay for anything though. Or at the very least it should be your fiance asking. I think it’s best to go into wedding planning expecting nothing financially from anyone though – then if they do offer to pay it’s just a bonus.

Post # 9
Member
6823 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am sorry you are feeling this way but luckyprincess is right, you are not supposed to ask for people for money.  Have you talked to your Future Mother-In-Law at all about her lack of excitement? 

I know for myself my Future inlaws are not really involved in our planning.  I have offered some information. But not like how much stuff my parents know.  You may need to bring it up to her and talk to her about wedding stuff.

Post # 10
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

In her generation that’s what the MOG was supposed to do!  When my brother got married my grandmother told my mother to “shut up, show up and wear beige”.  She’s probably trying hard not to be overbearing.  Make an effort to include her in things like dress shopping or food tasting so that you make it clear that you want her to be involved.  Don’t have your Fiance say anything about being disappointed in her level of enthusiasm because she probably thinks she’s doing what she’s supposed to.

And as far as the money the others are right.  No matter how much money she has she is under no obligation to spend it on your wedding.

Post # 11
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lolasmomma:Because your FMIL does not want to help pay for your wedding does not mean they do not support you. It is your wedding and your obligation to finance it. Just because they have the money does not mean they owe you or your Fiance anything, its their choice. You two are adults right?

Post # 13
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m not sure that the OP is saying she’s bitter b/c her Future Mother-In-Law isn’t offering to pay for the wedding.  It sounds like she’s just upset that she’s not excited about it.  I think every bride wants everyone to be as excited as they are about their wedding day – especially the parents!  So when her FI’s own mother isn’t showing any interest it’s got to sting a little bit.  The money thing just sounds like another thing in the list, not the main thing.

Post # 14
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m sorry you’re stressing about money for the wedding – but, it seems like thats the real issue here. You can’t really be mad at your ILs for contributing. It’s your wedding, and as grown adults it should be on you and your Fiance to pay for it. If rounding up the money is stressing you out, that’s totally understandable – it IS stressful. but don’t take it out on your ILs. No one is obligated to give you money for your wedding.

Post # 15
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I understand where you are coming from. We are getting married and my Fiance mom doesn’t seem interested. When we try and talk about it with her she seems like she doesn’t care. She seems to only care if you have to talk about someone’s drama or you have to talk about someone’s business. It is crazy she doesn’t care unless you have drama in your life.

His sister’s life is full of drama, or so they think b/c she has a baby and is with someon they don’t like so they are always trying to be in her business. They could care less about what we are doing. I guess that will be a good thing later, but right now it would be a good thing if they cared a little!

Post # 16
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

When I had these feelings my husband, Fiance at the time, finally had to say that he would be the only one talking to his family.  This was after telling his stepmom how many days before the wedding she would have to come in and her response was more of a gripe and how tough it would be.  I was shocked because from my family I usually hear excitement and whatever they can do or we need.  And then she made a comment about not being included so I sent her a long email with an update to which she never responded.  Things were great though after my husband started being the only one to communicate wedding stuff.

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