(Closed) Black Sheep of the Family – Should I Invite Her? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do?
    Don't invite her or her husband/kids. You can't trust her, especially with Thomas around. : (23 votes)
    19 %
    Warn her that you reserve the right to "uninvite" her based on her behavior. : (8 votes)
    7 %
    Invite her and deal. Excluding her will cause more problems than you hope to avoid. : (14 votes)
    12 %
    Invite her for the sake of her husband and kids. They didn't do anything wrong. : (14 votes)
    12 %
    Talk to Thomas and ask him to be patient with her if she causes a problem. : (26 votes)
    22 %
    Talk to your parents and FI's parents and ask them to help if she causes a problem. : (31 votes)
    26 %
    Don't talk to anyone, it'll just blow up the issue. : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Other (please explain) : (3 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    9139 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    Sadly, people like C make it difficult to maintain relationships with them and your situation is compounded by the fact that you and your family maintained the relationship long enough that you now have bond with her children.  I say not to invite her or her husband and kids but I would be concerned that by not inviting them she may retaliate by not allowing you to maintian your relationship with her children.  If that is an issue then I would say to invite her but have a game plan in place for someone else in the family to deal with her and possibly escort her away from the wedding if she acts inappropriately.

    AS bad as it sounds if your family’s relationship with C is that toxic you should have cut ties with her long ago.  But I also understand why you wouldn’t because I have family with severe mental problems and you deal with them because they’re family.

    Post # 4
    995 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Umm I’m not sure how long C was with your family so I can’t really assess how close the relationship is…..but it sounds like she’s like a sister, just a troubled one.


    I don’t see why you wouldn’t invite her…..it seems like that would cause a ton of drama…..I’m assuming that you will have quite a few guests and this isn’t a small intimate wedding so you will probably barely see her and I’m sure Thomas will have no problem avoiding her

    Post # 5
    2874 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @sylvia.riggle:  you dont see why she wouldnt be invited? the verbally abusive, aggressive one who seems to constantly cause trouble – not exactly the ideal wedding guest is it

    i wouldnt invite her. you dont need drama/hassle at your wedding. its supposed to be a hppy loving occasion with people who support you – and this doesnt seem to be the case

    Post # 6
    995 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @newname_99:  yes but she is family…..I foresee a ton of drama over not inviting her

    Post # 8
    645 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I have a friend with a very similar history to yours, and from what you described, the both of you put a lot of effort and love into your family regardless of what you get back. Personally, I wouldn’t put up with it, especially on such an important occasion. But I’m often… unforgiving and harsh. But if you’re anything like my friend, I figure you’ll probably invite her in the end. But I am still going to plead with you here to not. Either way you’re going to get some extra drama, no matter which choice you make, so make the decision YOU really want, not what you think you should do. 

    Post # 9
    243 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Well I think my response depends on if you want to interact with this person in the future. Do you want her to be part of your life and who you personally see as family? If she is so abusive then you may need to consider whether it’s healthy for you to be around her. I think the answer to this question is what I recommend as the answer for her attendance at your wedding. 

    If you want to continue to see her as family and spend time with her, you should invite her to the wedding. If you’re worried about what to do in the case of an outburst try talking to someone very calm who she tends not to fight with (possibly even respects, if there is such a person) and privately ask them to assist in neutralizing the situation if it gets out of hand. 

    If you find her too abusive to maintain relations with despite your outreach, then you shouldn’t invite her to the wedding. 

    Post # 10
    7560 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    You described her as family, so I think you need to invite her. Especially with her difficult past, excluding her could really hurt her and possibly turn her away completely. 

    Post # 11
    1790 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @gangqinjia:  wow. she seems….hard to handle

    Post # 12
    3552 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Perhaps you could invite her to the reception only? That might avert problems at your intimate ceremony. Your brother would be better able to avoid her in a crowd at the reception. That way you would still be sharing the day with her so maybe she wouldn’t feel slighted.

    Post # 13
    5428 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Invite her, she is family and invite Thomas, he is family. Just make sure you have a back up plan where you have someone who is willing to take C home if any chaos starts.

    Post # 14
    496 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 1993

    @gangqinjia:  I would invite her. You mentioned that you helped raise both of her children so I think she would be very hurt if you didn’t invite her given the fact that your relationship with her children is pretty close, I assume.

    Post # 15
    9952 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Ok, I am gonna go against the grain here…

    Blood is thicker than water… so I naturally see Thomas as your Brother, the one who you should be MOST concerned about.

    He and her don’t get along.  You said it is a BIG deal that he is coming to your Wedding… you need to embrace that.

    I had a foster kid once, we’ve lost contact over the years since she became an Adult.  Like many Foster Kids she has TONS of issues that are hangovers from her biological family… stuff that I realize I cannot fix.  I love her for who she is, but she isn’t a member of my family per-se, she is someone that I gave a helping hand to when she needed it.  In the timeframe that she was with us, we each fulfilled a need for each other.  Period.

    Anything beyond that is gravy.  Same can be said for folks who “adopt” a kid overseas in a 3rd World Country with one of the many agencies that do charity work.  I have done that as well.

    Going in it is only natural that you feel you can make a difference, change the world.  Maybe get to know them, watch them grow up, meet them etc.  In reality, that isn’t typically the case.  Life intervenes.

    You come away from the experience knowing that you did the best you could at the time with the resources you had (money)

    In the case of a Foster Kid, the resources can be Money, Energy, Love etc.

    But the results are the same… the world will shape them, ultimately you can perhaps give them a better existance “chance” but you cannot change the world.

    It is what it is.

    I get that everyone in your family feels compassion for Cassandra and probably a lot of pain as well, bittersweet memories (I know these are the same way I feel about the Foster Kid we had for about 1 year).

    BUT when it comes right down to it, she isn’t family… although you may LOVE her like family

    You are family, your Mother is family, Thomas is family… and they DESERVE to be able to celebrate your day without any potential drama / hurt from outsiders.

    Cassandra the Foster Child, isn’t Gramma Jane, Uncle Bob or Cousin Sally… who would get invited no matter what…

    In reality, Cassandra is just another person that your family has encountered over the course of their lifetime.

    Hope this helps,


    Post # 16
    8721 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @This Time Round:  And responses like that is why peope like C who have had such a hard life and have legitimate mental health issues continue to feel like they can not trust anyone.

    In my opinion ythe brother needs to get over it and be an adult with some compassion. This woman has serious problems that were not her fault. Yes it sucks that C had issues but given her background and mental health is it any wonder. It doesn’t make it right that she treats but given that she has a husband it seems like she has come a long way (even if she still has occassional issues). These issues are not just going to magically disappear.

    I say invite her and her husband especially since she is considered a member of the family.

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