(Closed) Black Sheep of the Family – Should I Invite Her? (long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do?

    Don't invite her or her husband/kids. You can't trust her, especially with Thomas around.

    Warn her that you reserve the right to "uninvite" her based on her behavior.

    Invite her and deal. Excluding her will cause more problems than you hope to avoid.

    Invite her for the sake of her husband and kids. They didn't do anything wrong.

    Talk to Thomas and ask him to be patient with her if she causes a problem.

    Talk to your parents and FI's parents and ask them to help if she causes a problem.

    Don't talk to anyone, it'll just blow up the issue.

    Other (please explain)

  • Post # 17
    9831 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    I would invite her, as 

    View original reply
    @j_jaye:  said she is family. But perhaps invite her to the reception only, as the ceremony is close immediate family only 🙂

    Post # 18
    9948 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    TO – j_jaye:  For the record, I do get your POV… and I am for the most part a compassionate person… BUT lets look at the various elements that the OP has actually written

    Sorry… I don’t see them as OCCASIONAL issues… I see them as ongoing and most importantly RECENT as well.

    1- Cassandra considers herself to be part of the family… and altho no doubt the OP and Cassandra are relatively close, I didn’t read where the OP considers Cassandra to be equivalent in status to her Brother for example

    2- Thomas & Cassandra do not get along.  To the point where they CANNOT be in the same room together

    3- Cassandra fights with Thomas, and he with her, because he feels she has wronged HIS FAMILY

    4- Thomas cannot forgive Cassandra for the H3LL she’s caused in the family, and in particular her attacks on his Mother (the MOB)

    5- Thomas has been estranged from the family for a couple of years.  BUT has agreed to come to the OP’s Wedding.  He is excited about it.

    6-The Bride is HAPPY that her Brother has agreed to come to her Wedding.

    7- Cassandra is extremely volatile… and has unpredictable moods.  There is no knowing how she’ll be on the day of the Wedding

    8- Cassandra has verbally abused the MOB within the last year… this was extremely upsetting to the Family

    9- Cassandra is manipulative… she demanded that the OP’s Mother clean her house and take care of her children.  To keep the peace / mend a bridge, the MOB complied.

    10- Cassandra insulted the Bride today, over her religion.

    11- When the OP suggested they talk about it… she cussed out the Bride.

    12- The Bride is struggling with inviting Cassandra because she is so unpredictable.  Mostly moody, rude and selfish.  At times a hell-raiser.

    13- The Bride is worried about Cassandra making a scene and throwing a tantrum either with Thomas (the Bride’s Brother) or another Guest

    That is the list of concerns / reality that the Bride is faced with.

    I’ve read the OP’s post several times top to bottom, there are virtually NO positives that the OP has listed in regards to inviting Cassandra.

    And tons of reasons WHY NOT TO… Weddings can be filled with family drama to some extent anyhow… WHY would anyone want to invite more when they don’t really have to ?


    Post # 20
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    She sounds like the sort of person who would be really upset if she was not invited to your wedding.  You do love her, and you can seat her and Thomas at different tables.  Read them each the riot act prior to the wedding, tell them that arguements will not be tolerated.  

    Post # 21
    333 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    Does she have insight into her behaviors? Meaning can she articulate her diagnoses and understand how her behaviors lead to pretty significant interpersonal problems?

    Post # 22
    1853 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I wouldn’t invite her, and I would invite Thomas.

    If a confrontation arrived because she was not invited, I would just hold my ground. “You have been incredibly negative to me lately, and insulting my religion was too hurtful for me to embrace. If you can sincerely apologize for what you have said, and promise not to be negative at my wedding- I will reconsider this and add you to the guest list.”

    Or, “Cassanda, you know that my wedding is in 7 months. I am telling you now, ahead of time, that I will have no tolerance for any negative behavior or comments on that day. If you  are remotely confrontational with my guests, I will see to it that you are escorted away. Know that this behaviour on such an important day will likely cause an enormous strain in our relationship. I would love to have you there, but I need you to promise me that you will not cause any problems, or say anything hurtful to me.”

    Then, if she flips out at that- there’s your answer.


    Post # 23
    2874 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    View original reply
    @gangqinjia:  it sounds like youre leaning towards inviting her. i would then say, better to talk to your brother first – so hes not surprised by her presence. you may have to accept that your long estranged brother wont attend, or will leave if he sees her

    and have someone on hand to remove her if she turns into a raving nightmare and makes everyone miserable by being abusive

    im not emotionally invested in the situation so for me, i guess its easier to say not to invite her. but i keep thinking of all the worst case scenarios where fights (verbal if not physical) ensure and people that you love leave your wedding early because they wont tolerate being abused


    Post # 24
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I did not read all the PP’s advice but I say I would invite her.  She considers herself family.  You consider her family.  You say it’s a day for family.  Plus, she can sit on an opposite side of the room from your brother.  They don’t have to see each other. There may be some drama but just make sure it does not get to you and have someone else be in charge of brother/sister drama or just Cassandra drama.

    Post # 25
    7679 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @gangqinjia:  Will Cassandra’s husband remove her from the wedding-if she starts to “act” up?  Will Thomas be willing to “suck it up” for your day?

    Post # 26
    7768 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    First of all, I EMPATHIZE with you greatly.  Unfortunately, my entire immediate family is very much like Cassandra.  I have gone through periods of not speaking to them, periods of trying to help them.  It is not easy.

    I think I would invite her.  I don’t have all the answers.  I also think your concerns are very valid.  My sister has (diagnosed) bipolar disorder and it is …scarey.  To say the least.  Sometimes I think it is just not healthy for me to be around her, or any of them- because I never know when they are going to verbally abuse me, or over -what?  It could be ANYTHING.

    I think I would give C a chance and have a backup plan.  I am willing to bet she will be on her “best behavior.”  The hard part with my sister/ family is that they *like* to make people upset on purpose, so I can never trust them, but I am not sure that is the case with Cassandra (from what I have read.)  Again, I don’t have all the answers, but I understand all of your concerns and have to deal with much of the same things!  Glad to see you are thinking it through.  We just want the best for everyone, don’t we?

    Post # 27
    7768 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    View original reply
    @gangqinjia:  I just read your update and it sounds like you will, and I think you should- invite her.  I think she will be in a good mindset that day.  I know for instance, my sister has triggers- like stress- so with my sister I would not give her any “jobs” to do involving the wedding.  If C is simply coming as a guest, and has her kids/ husband for support, I think she’ll do alright.  I would try to keep Thomas away from her, and I would tell him to bit his tongue.

    Post # 29
    7286 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I would invite her!

    I think its important to love our enemies, family, strangers and everyone. She may not ever show it, but she may really be happy to go to your wedding or even be blessed by it!

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