Post # 1
Has anyone out there ever been blamed by their significant other for him not proposing?
I am currently separated from my boyfriend who I live with for this very issue. We have been dating on and off for nearly 7 years. We met while in college at the start of my graduate school studies for a very difficult doctoral program. My boyfriend graduated at year 3 of our courtship I at year 4. I became aware of significant school debts that my boyfriend acquired due to some pretty significant poor choices the summer of our 5 year dating when I got a tearful phone call on the way home from work that he needed to tell me that he was worried I’d leave him because he was so much in debt that he felt he could not propose by the end of that year with any type of ring. I calmed him down told him it didn’t have to be the end of the year and how much time did he feel he needed. He felt a full year to hit the following summer. I felt this was appropriate so I didn’t argue. About a month later it became more apparent to me that this new timeline was also never going to work. I should mention I was working the whole time two jobs, one full time week long job and one weekend job 2 x a month. I made a good salary at my full time but felt it responsible to take on a second job to help with my own student debt that was reasonable for my degree/profession. My boyfriend had a full time job in IT and a part time gig cutting my grandma’s grass for pay. However, boyfriend not great about regularly showing up to cut grass as requested by grandma and so lost out on a lot of extra money to help his dire financial situation. So back to new realization I was not getting proposed to in a years time I broke things off. I realized this man could not get his act together to take on extra jobs to get out from under all his debt and that I must not mean enough to him to serve as any sort of motivation.
But unfortunately, I loved this man. So after about a month of a break I called him. But he wanted nothing to do with me. “I’m so much happier now” he said. He suggested the stress from worrying about finances and worrying about my reaction was gone and he was free to do anything he wanted. He still had his debt but now no one was suggesting he do something about it. I was crushed. I fell into a deep depression. I was severely sick for 8 months. I cried every night and wondered why i wanted him but he didnt’ want me despite him having all the problems and causing me so much stress. I’ll admitt I begged him several times to come back and give us another chance. I conceded to everything he wanted, us to move in together, stop harassing him about his finances, stop suggesting he get a second job, pay off some debts. Eventually after 10 long months he agreed to give us another chance.
So to present day. The one thing I asked for when we resumed our relationship that we be engaged as soon as possible that he would work to pay down credit card debt and start looking at rings. Well the first sign of trouble was I had to suggest looking at rings 6 months after we got back together. We looked he seemed to be interested wrote everything the woman said down. He asked her about financing, etc. I felt much better like this was really going to happen! It was the first time I even began to get excited about this possibility. I dared to consider what kind of wedding I might actually want for the first time. Now around this time we were living in my grandmas home who had recently passed away. Because of my boyfriends finances we talked about buying the home which was on the smaller side. I felt this would be good to help him feel less stressed about his bills once we got married if we had a smaller mortgage payment. So upon much discussion we decided to buy home. I was excited again, felt we were well on our way to building a life together. But things went south quickly, the first problem he had no money to help me cover any downpayment, closing costs, nothing. So I realized I was financing this project, but I still wanted him involved so I asked him to come to bank with me to talk about loans. Well he was resistant to this idea “they don’t need me there.” So I went by myself. Well as most of you know buying a home is expensive so quickly I realized I was in over my head. I began to panick and was depressed and grumpy because I felt I was failing everyone. My boyfriend was useless, he didn’t have any suggestions to help, he didn’t want to hear me wine about how stressed out I was. He told me I was making him unhappy and I told him I was unhappy all the time because I had no commitment from him, worked all the time including weekends and was expected to handle everything with house but not bitch about anything to him. He said we should be happy before I propose “I don’t wan to feel like I have a gun to my head.” During our fight that evening he also mentioned that “at this point it is not like I don’t have the money to get engaged to you”. I was crushed to say the least. I felt I was being blamed for stress that I felt he caused a lot of and that was why I could not get the proposal I felt I more than deserved and waited for.
So here we are I have asked him for a separation at this time to step back. I don’t think it is fair to commit all my attention to some guy that is not commited. But I am still heartbroken;(
Post # 2
It sounds like the relationship’s been doomed for a while.
Seriously, don’t waste your time with him. You’re trying to mold him into something he’s not going to become.
Post # 3
I am not trying to sound mean but I have to say… This guy made you beg for 10 months to give your relationship another try? Sweetie, absolutely no chance in hell would I want a marriage with someone that would make me beg! I think you need to seriously think about how your life will be if you marry this man. I can’t imagine it’ll be good since he tells you not to talk to him about any life issues. He’s supposed to be your biggest support sysyem. lets forget about the engagement for a second and look at the fact that he doesn’t even support your emotional needs. I have no advice to give other then walk away before he completely destroys your self worth.
Post # 4
Yeah, end it. Honestly, it sounds like both of you are trying to live a life like he has no debts, eventhough he does. He will only get back together wiht you if you don;t bring up his debts. You want to go ring shopping (which he needs financing for), and buy a house (which he doesn’t have the money for). You broke up because he couldn’t get his act together financially, and now that you are back together, absolutely nothing has changed except for the fact that you’re trying to ignore a problem that can’t be ignored.
It’s really clear that you both have very different expectations/timelines, but instead of aknowledging this, you want to just steamroll over it and go ahead with the plans you have in your head.
If you stay with him, you will either still not be engaged, or will be engaged with even more debt.
Post # 5
this is not the right man for you, that’s my advice! cut him out of your life completely and push yourself to date other men, find an ambitious man who wants thesame future you invision
Post # 6
I’m going to be blunt here, so I’d like to apologize in advance if any of this is offensive to you. That guy does not and has never wanted to marry you.
Your solving his every problem so he would did not help the situation..
You can definitely do better. By “better” I mean someone who actually wants a future with you and who will go the distance to make that future a reality.
I’m sorry Bee, I know ending a 7 year on and off relationship sucks ass, I’ve been there myself. Just know that one day you WILL look back on this and say “I’m glad that happened. It freed me up to live my life and love others.”
Post # 7
Leave him…you deserve better, and I think you already know that my dear.
Everything will work out for you because you seem to have a good head on you shoulders. A man such as yours will not change. Debt is a serious issue and one of the main reasons for divorce. He seems to not want to get out of this position, can you imagine if you were actually married? This would be crippling to you financially, emotionally, and physically (depression hurts).
You will find someone who understands the importance of commitment to you and the importance of taking care of your finances, especially in this day and age.
Post # 8
Its easy to become obsessed with the idea of someone and to lose sight of the bad things when they aren’t in front of your face.
My advice is that you shouldn’t have begged for reconcilliation. You aren’t on the same page with this guy and there really are lots of fish in the sea. My advice is to break up from this guy, to step aside from the house purchase for now if you can’t afford it and build a life on your own. You need to start looking forward and stop looking back. Don’t call this a separation, the only way to get happy and move on is a break up and cutting off contact.
Post # 9
Read your post and pretend like you do not know yourself.
Don’t take this the hard way but honestly you’re doing it to yourself. He’s a puppy who can’t get his act together and doesn’t want to get his act together and since you want him to stay so bad, he’s staying around.
He didn’t even want his name on the house. That should say enough right there.
Kick the puppy to the curb and get a real man.
Post # 10
waitingandwaiting: Please leave this guy and find someone who is reliable and financially responsible. He has shown you who he is, and he isn’t worthy of you. This guy will just keep tearing you down.
Someone out there is worthy of you and of your love, please free yourself to find him. A good relationship brings strength and comfort. You deserve the best.
Post # 11
waitingandwaiting: This guy is a Loser !! You sound like a hard working woman that knows what she wants. Throw him out, hopefully you didnt put his name on the house and find a real man who knows how to treat a great woman like you properly.
Dont ever beg a man for anything. You dont need anyone that bad.
Post # 12
waitingandwaiting: You are educated, driven, and responsible. I’m failing to see what it is you see in him??? Your partner should lift you up, be there to support you during the bad times. Not only is he NOT doing this, he’s also being downright mean and disrespectful. Honestly, and I hate to admit it, but your guy sounds like me in my previous relationship. And you know what- it was because I didn’t respect him or even want to be with him but I didn’t have the courage to end it and move on. I wanted all the perks of a relationship without actually doing any of the work. RUN!
Post # 13
- Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery
This guy doesn’t respect you, your goals, anyone’s finances or responsibilites (including his own). Ending a long-term relationship is horrible. If feels like the worst thing that could or will happen. But it’s not. And you’ll find someone who will be your equal and share your goals and responsibilities. Take care of yourself first and foremost and get out of this unhealthy situation.
Post # 14
You can do better. Like other bees have said before – it’s just really honestly not supposed to be that hard. If someone wants to marry you, they’ll skip the ring and the ceremony and take you to the courthouse! Sounds like you two aren’t in a healthy relationship and you’re not on the same page. I wish you the best of luck.
Post # 15
Honestly, I agree with the previous posters. You can’t make someone into something they’re not. If you had to beg for you guya to get back together, especially when you guys separated because of HIS debt and HIS problems, then you might love this guy but he doesnt necessarily love you in the way you deserve. Please think about what you want in life before you proceed. Then make a decision and stick to it, no crawling back to someone who doesnt deserve the love you’re giving.