(Closed) bleep. i feel more like my husband’s sister than his wife (vent)

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Was your sex life good before marriage?

Post # 4
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I don’t see how gaining 5 lbs. would make you any less attractive. Did you ask him why he doesn’t feel close to you? So when you initiate, what does he say? Does he blow you off? Did this just start, or has it been like this since right after the wedding 2 months ago?

Post # 5
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh hon, 5 pounds isn’t going to make someone suddenly not attracted to you! Don’t beat yourself up!

Does he/you have a lot of stress going on right now? Stress definitely effects our frequency. Have you tried initiating things?

Post # 6
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

This might be a general newlywed thing? My husband and I actually went through the same phase a couple of months after our wedding. One suggestion I have would be to schedule a “date night” where you go out to dinner, a movie, or some other fun thing that you can do *out* of the house and together. My husband and I see and spend time with each other every day, but it’s not quality time when we’re both loafing on the couch or eating whatever for dinner. It is quality time when we get to be out and doing something special with each other. It’s worth the effort!

Also, “newlywed weight gain” is an actual thing (happened to us too…) I’m pretty sure it’s not the reason for your sex life dilemma. Don’t worry! You will be ok 🙂

Post # 7
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Have you asked him WHY he doesnt feel as close?  What has changed between you two other than the sex since you got married?  Everything from how much you talk, to the tone and topic of the conversations. How chores are split up, etc

Post # 8
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@iheartnerdyboys: How long have  you been together?

How often did you have sex before getting married?

How often are you having sex now?

Is he stressed at work? Stressed at home? Having issues with family?

Has he ever had issues with depression?

Post # 9
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it’s always easiest to jump to the conclusion of “I don’t look good enough” when there are issues in the bedroom.  There are so many more reasons that someone can have a reduced sex drive.  You need to sit down and have a serious talk about this.  Try not to be so down on yourself.

Post # 10
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

What do you mean when you say your sex life is dwindling?  How was it before you got married?  And you’ve only been married two months–so it’s not like this has been going on for ages.  Every relationship ebbs and flows, especially when it comes to sex.  I think you may be prematurely freaking out about this–it’s going to be okay!

Post # 11
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It’s hard when the sex slows down.  When Fiance first got together we were having sex every other day.  Now it’s more like 1 to 2 times a week (basically, just on the weekends.)  I had a really hard time with that at first because my ex was a borderline sex addict (hell, he could’ve been a bona fide sex addict for all I know), he’d demand it twice a day, every day so that was what I was used to.  I took anything less than that as meaning there must be something wrong with me.  Turns out, Fiance just (thankfully) has a much lower sex drive than my ex and it took a good year for him to be ok with only doing it as much as he felt like, vs. how much he thought I wanted it.  Once I got over the guilt, I found I enjoy only having sex a couple times a week (ok, I wouldn’t complain if we upped it to at least 3, but I’m alright for now.)

Are you sure this isn’t just a standard “lull”?  There can be a lot of peaks and valleys with the libido and it’s not necessarily a reflection on you.  How often did you used to have sex compared to now?

Post # 12
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

Take a deep breath. Now think about something honestly: is the problem that you want to be having more sex, or that you think you (or your husband) should want to be having more sex? I think one of the common misconceptions is that couples are doing it all the time. People tend to lie about how much they’re having it, trying to impress people or perhaps themselves. That said, the best way to tell if there’s an issue here is to compare it to what your sex life was like in months or years past. Sometimes there’s just a lull, you know? Maybe he’s just stressed because of work or the economy or everyday little things and it’s getting in the way of getting him in the mood. Things may very well get better in a little time.

And please don’t stress over the 5 lbs. Hell, this winter I’ve gained at least ten. It happens. I doubt very much that is the cause of this issue.

If I were you, I’d try to talk to him a bit more. Or take the opposite route: Go out for an intimate dinner to feel close again and then seduce him to spice things up. Sometimes shaking things up a little bit is all you need to kickstart it up again!

Best of luck!

Post # 13
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I’ve gained 20lbs so please don’t worry about 5!! And to be honest, my husband and I only make love about twice a week and like pp, usually only on weekends! Life is tiring and you all are adjusting to married life. Don’t worry! But I love the idea of date night as a bee above suggested!

Post # 14
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

5 pounds is basically nothing. It isn’t that. You need to get him to open up about the WHY behind what is going on, because it just isn’t possible it’s because of 5 pounds. (and if it is, i’d be wondering why I married him)

Post # 15
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Okay doll. Seriously forget about the 5 lbs. I bet he doesn’t even see this. It sounds like this is not a superficial problem, but more of an emotional one. I’d try to dig deeper into what it means that he doesn’t feel close to you.

Good luck. We’re here for you!

Post # 16
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i’m sorry, but your first sentence is ridiculous. there is no way on earth your husband possibly thinks that!

you need to communicate with him. have you talked about your sex life recently? have you told him that you don’t think he finds you attractive? sex and communication are super important parts of a marriage…start by having a talk about it.

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