blended family disfunction

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
950 posts
Busy bee

senf27 :  I’m trying to figure out how your maternal instinct whent haywire, and decided this person would make good reproductive partner. Like others have mentioned, you need to re-read your post. 

Post # 32
Member
7097 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Like what in the actual hell did I just read? The OP’s updates get even worse! 

Start over from scratch with your own child? WTF? Seriously? I guess I get where you were going with that BUT HE IS A CRAPPY PARENT AND IT’S NOT GOING TO CHANCE WITH A “NEW” BABY. Do I need to say it again for the people in the back? NO, JUST NO. Do NOT have a baby with this guy. 

Post # 33
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Not being a parent and entering a relationship with someone who has a child is very difficult. The role of step-parents is a super tricky one and many times the relationship ends up not working because of it. 

It sounds like you and your partner do not have shared values. I can tell you from experience that you are going to drive yourself insane trying to come in between his relationship with his daughter. Another bee mentioned that a step-parent is basically like an aunt/uncle..you can have discussions about his child with him but it is up to him to implement rules and decide how he wants to raise his kid.

I am usually not the type to just say end the relationship…but I think you are fighting a losing battle. You should move on especially since you guys are not married nor have children of your own. You will be happy you did in the long run. 

 

Post # 34
Member
6884 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

senf27 :  I’m in a blended family situation, and when I came along, my stepson was 5.  My now-husband treated him similarly to how your partner treats his daughter… No chores, no bed time, even when my stepson was sent to his room, he would come out seconds later asking for something, and my now-husband would say, “Oh, he just forgot.”

I had a conversation with him very early on about how he doesn’t hold his son accountable and he’s too easy on him, too relaxed.  He replied, “My mom says that too.”  So I knew my observations weren’t from being naive about what it takes to raise a child.  6 months into our relationship, I started driving my stepson to school because my now-husband’s work schedule changed.  My stepson never had a bedtime at our house.  My now-husband would just say, “It’s getting late, bud,” anywhere from 10-11pm on a school night to 11-1am on the weekend.  My stepson was so miserable in the mornings, I told him we had to start enforcing bedtimes.  It took years to get to a good point, but we got there…. And to this day, my stepson’s mom THANKS me for it.  Because, lo and behold, the problem’s at his dad’s house were coming back to her house even worse.

Furthermore, my stepson had a lot of outbursts, but this didn’t turn out to be just a behavioral issue, but a mental health issue.  He was diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia, and anxiety.  It took us years to get him on track to being able to handle his emotions.  He’s now 12 and starting puberty, so it’s a whole new struggle, but much more contained.

However, in your situation, it seems that your partner doesn’t want to act like a partner.  You can’t seem to be on the same page for how to raise your children.  Have you tried talking to his daughter’s mother?  Have you tried asking how she is at her house?  If she has chores and what chores she has?  If she’s dependent on her to wash her hair?  If it’s the exact same at her mom’s, I would say that she has some issues and probably needs testing.  As you know, a 9 year old shouldn’t be getting her hair washed and teeth cleaned by her parents.  However, if she is different at her mom’s, I think you all need to have a sit down conversation on how to better co-parent and have a level playing field across both houses…..

And this is all IF you plan to stay with this man.  If you care about both of them, put the TTC on hold and focus on this.  But if he protests to talking to her and figuring this out, leave.  He sounds emotionally unstable and unwilling to change or get help.

FWIW, my husband has clinical anxiety, but he was always willing to change and make things better when I came around.  The amount he changed for our relationship and future was astronomical.  In the first year, he got his credit together to buy us a house, he’s changed jobs to better support the family we wanted, he went on medication so his kids didn’t have to see him at his worst, he actively enforces bedtime and chores, while still being a great, loving father.  I’m not saying this to brag, I’m saying this because even people with mental health issues can change if they feel motivated enough… he wasn’t motivated before.  My husband was stuck.

ETA – I just read your updates, and his daughter needs therapy STAT.  My Mother-In-Law is a narcissist, and it’s seriously f’d up her kids.  He can’t improve things with his daughter unless he gives her the help she needs.

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