(Closed) Blindsided. DH wants a divorce

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Im so sorry youre dealing with this. It is unfair of him to be angry you didnt read his mind. Come on, he has to communicate if his needs arent being met. 

I would definitely suggest trying to get him to go to counseling to work through this. It sounds like you guys still love eachother but there was a break in connection somewhere that he is yearning for. 

Also in the meantime I would focus on trying to reconnect. Dont phrase it as that, but maybe find a cool activity or event to go to. Try to talk and engage him. He may not be receptive (counseling may be needed to get him to open up), but even if he isnt – making an effort will show you care and sincerely heard his concerns. 

Post # 3
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

Oh Bee, your pain is so clear. It’s not you, it’s him.

It sounds like he never communicated that his needs weren’t being met. That he needed more quality time?

Instead, childishly, he just let that anger & resentment build until it got to this point – and then tried to blame it on you? No.

 

Don’t take that. Marriage doesn’t make us mind-readers. 

Healthy partners communicate unmet needs & expectations before they turn to resentment.

Post # 4
Member
6093 posts
Bee Keeper

Propose counselling before jumping to a lawyer. Book an appointment right now, for like tomorrow. Maybe he’s willing to work on the issues, maybe he’s totally done. If he IS done, there isn’t much else you can do though. You may never get a clear answer =\ 

Post # 5
Member
409 posts
Helper bee

That is very strange…being so “out of the blue”. Could he have met someone?  

Post # 6
Hostess
8206 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Oh wow. I am so sorry bee. It doesn’t sound like he has given you any warning or is up for change at all. I hope he will allow you to both try counselling first before jumping to divorce. 

The fact it all seems out of the blue also made me think maybe he is having an affair.

Post # 7
Member
3782 posts
Honey bee

Oh, please. What a load of crap. Dig deeper. He’s either seeing someone else or he has his eye on her. Men do not break up for the reasons he listed. Those are excuses that will hopefully sound more palatable to your ears than “I’ve met someone else “.

Post # 8
Member
38 posts
Newbee

Sorry you are going through this bee. The fact that he just blindsided you with this is so strange. If feeling left out or second fiddle was bothering him so much in the past year, I’m sure you would’ve picked up on some signs. People don’t just suggest something as serious as divorce just because they feel left out of things. I feel like there is something more than just that, whether it’s an affair or something else. Like others have suggested, see if he’s willing to try counseling. If he’s not even open to that or to trying, then he’s already checked out of the relationship mentally.

Post # 9
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry to hear that. Listen you didn’t cause this and it’s not your fault. Perhaps he met someone as other posters have state? I find it weird that this just came out of the blue. And seriously, he needs to learn that no one is a mind reader and for a healthy marriage there needs to be communication. See if he is willing to go to counselling, but if not, then you know your answer..he has checked out of the relationship a long time ago. 

I’m really sorry you are going through this. Hugs.

Post # 10
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee

what a steaming load of bullshit. if anything, this shows his lack of willingness to actually resolve his perceived problems in your relationship, and he’d rather just throw it away because that’s easier for him. do you want to be with a man who thinks it’s easy to just leave you? it shows that he doesn’t care at all, and likely hasn’t for some time now.

i agree with Sunburn, there’s likely more to the story than he’s letting on, and wants to make you the bad guy/reason the relationship has failed to ease his own conscience…

Post # 11
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

I think maybe you should try to get to the real reason. I’m so sorry. I really think there’s a hidden agenda here and it’s even less pretty. I also agree he’s probably seeing someone else or has something going on behind your back. I would try counseling but if he has been seeing someone else, you probably want out of that. 

Post # 13
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Unless you were obviously being cruel to your husband or neglecting him in obvious and severe ways, he was in the wrong for keeping all this to himself to the point where he thinks the relationship has no hope. It is not up to you to read his mind and then meet his needs perfectly without a word from him. He is not living up to his end of the marriage despite the fact that he is blaming you for all of this. Please don’t assume that you are at fault and that it is now up to you alone to fix the marriage or beg him to stay. Ask him to go to counseling to address your mutual communication issues. If he refuses, citing your sins, know that it is he who is not interested in the marriage, not you.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Something very similar happend to me. After 10 years of marriage, my husband came to me, also out of the blue, and said that he was “just not the marrying type” and wanted a divorce (of course, he is now remarried…). I asked for counseling and he agreed, but only to appease me. He never had any intention of fixing the marriage. It was a very painful time. I was still very much in love with him and desperately wanted the marriage to work. However, I adjusted surprisingly quickly and met the love of my life a year later. We were married in October.

My advice would be to work on the marriage if you are both willing, but please don’t beg for his love. You are better than that.

 

Post # 14
Member
9338 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well if he’s done he’s done.

If you want to try and salvage the relationship I would suggest counseling and see if he agrees. But you can’t make someone stay.

Post # 15
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

I think you might drive yourself crazy looking for the “real reason” here. Try taking him at face value first, and maybe tell him that if the problem really is that he doesn’t feel able to communicate with you and that you don’t spend enough time with each other, the two of you should go to therapy to address that. Make it clear that you want to fix the problem. If he still demands a divorce, then it might be time to consider that there may be something he isn’t saying.

I say this because I have a friend like this. He never says anything is bothering him at the time, but then like a year later he explodes for apparently no reason and cuts people off. He’s been through rigorous therapy at this point, and has been able to identify that he was just never taught how to deal with conflict, that there was middle ground between swallowing dissatisfactions and disagreements and boiling over with anger.

Some people get into marriages thinking that they are just automatically supposed to be the center of the other person’s universe and never have to ask to have their needs met effortlessly while singing cartoon birds hang up their laundry. It sounds to me like your husband needs to learn what being in a real long-term partnership actually means.

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