(Closed) Blindsided. DH wants a divorce

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 136
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

zzar45 :   indigobee :  I agree with both of you. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. That’s why I keep asking OP about what happened the time her husband actually did seriously raise this issue before, even if was only twice. Was there a compromise proposed then? Does he not like any of her friends? Did OP never try to integrate him into her new life back at home? Because it seems like OP also thinks it’s either all or nothing and it’s so weird! 

Post # 137
Member
5185 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

llevinso :  Personally I think it is telling that OP isn’t running back to tell us all the ways she tried to include her husband into her ‘old life’ when they moved back to her hometown. 

Post # 138
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

zzar45 :  Well she could also be trying to talk and work things out with her husband. At least that’s my hope!

She does seem very caught up in her newfound popularity, which I can kind of get in a way. I remember when I moved back to my hometown years ago and suddenly it was like I had all these friends who wanted to hang out again. Ha. That was well over a decade ago and I think I only see one or two of them with any sort of regularity anymore. But it was very flattering in the beginning. I was also in my early 20s and still in the partying and single phase of my life. So there’s that.

OP, are your friends also married or are they single?

Post # 139
Member
292 posts
Helper bee

The thing is, while you’re out 3-4 nights a week with your friends who you know and love, he’s totally alone in a new town with nowhere to go and nobody to hang out with except for you. It also sounds like this is a fairly recent development – from his perspective, you went from spending most of your time with him, to spending half of your time including weekends out and about without him.

I think it’s really a double standard here – if a woman posted, “I moved to my husband’s hometown to live with him, but ever since we moved here he goes out with his buddies 3-4 nights a week and leaves me home alone. I’ve brought it up to him seriously and directly on at least two occasions over the past year and asked him to at least spend both weekend days with me as a compromise, but he doesn’t listen. My resentment and pain has grown to the point where I find myself making comments every time he goes out. I feel abaondoned and am contemplating divorce.” We would be much more sympathetic to the spouse left at home, and agree that she had communicated her needs rather than “complained.”

It doesn’t really sound from your posts that you’re really willing to fight for this relationship, what compromises are you willing to make? What are you willing to do to show him that you care?

Post # 141
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Is he willing to work on the marriage? Or change his mind about counseling? 

Post # 142
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee

I relate to your husband’s perspective a lot. My husband is a social butterfly and if he could go out with friends 7 nights a week, he would. I prefer to be home alone with him. I tend to interpret his desire to be out and about as wanting to be out and about away from me and our homelife. 

It’s been rough trying to compromise bc essentially there is no “good” compromise for either side on this…you want to go out and he wants to stay in. The only real way you’ll make this work is if you cut down on your time away from him. That may mean including him more or staying home more. 

I’ll be honest from my perspective (which is similar to your husband’s):

Your spouse wanting to socialize away from you makes you feel very alone. I’m guessing that you are neglecting not only your husband but also your homelife with this newfound popularity. Has he been picking up the slack a lot with household chores? My resentment for my hsuband stemmed a lot from that. He’d come and go and I’d be stuck doing the cooking, cleaning and all errands on top of working fulltime. It sucked and I got very resentful very quickly. 

If you want to make this work, take a vacation from your social life for a while and focus on your marriage. You don’t necessarily need counseling to do that.

Post # 143
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

zeniy :  So you moved back home and friends and family want to see you because they haven’t seen in a while, so you go out with them 3 times a week. But your not on vacation so it’s not like your going anywhere. I could see if you were in town for 2 weeks and had to see everyone before you left but you moved back there. Going out 3 times a week to see family and friends and while your husband is at home in my opinion is selfish. Damn go out with a group of them (you said it was a small town I am sure everyone knows everyone) once a week. Do you and your husband ever go to dinner together? 

Post # 144
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

I don’t see why so many people are being so hard on OP. 

First off, you don’t just come home and say you want a divorce over issues like this. There is a huge gap between bringing something up a few times and letting your partner know that this is a huge, potentially dealbreaking issue the two of you need to tackle seriously. If this had been the real cause surely he would have initiated serious discussion about this I’ve been feeling this way for a year and you haven’t noticed is incredibly passive aggressive, not to mention a way to deflect blame onto OP. 

Sorry OP, but I’m inclined to agree with those who think he’s found himself a ‘soft place to land’. I think there has been someone else in the picture for awhile now and either his feelings for her have grown more serious or she’s becoming increasingly vocal about remaining his side piece. His unusual coldness toward you and the finalness of asking for a divorce as opposed to counselling or separation suggests that this is something he’s braced himself to do, to ‘rip off the bandaid’ and get it out in the open. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is openly with someone else after a suspiciously short time. 

As for OP going out since some people seem fixated on this- I see this as an introvert/ extrovert thing. My husband is definitely a social butterfly whereas I’m an ‘extroverted introvert’ (lol I didn’t know this was a thing but it fits). I’m not shy and I occasionally like to socialize, but I also love my alone time and more solitary pursuits. As with OP and her husband, I’m certainly welcome to join him but if I sometimes do and often don’t, this is my choice. The only difference is, I’m happy with this choice and OP’s husband doesn’t seem to be. But why is OP the one expected to make all the changes? She stays home and watches movies with him 3 nights a week and he wants her to spend 6 or 7 nights doing this? Where is his compromise in all of this? OP has tried to include him and he doesn’t care to socialize with her friends or her family very much. He wants OP beside him on the sofa, just the two of them, and she’s the one being unfair?!

Post # 145
Member
3782 posts
Honey bee

crustyoldbee :  Absolutely agree, as I said earlier. 

I’m pretty disgusted by how this all turned around on the OP. But there are those who will insist on believing everything they’re told, which in this case is the OP’s husband is leaving because they don’t spend enough time together. The thing is, PEOPLE LIE, particularly when they know they’re at fault and it’s a messy situation. 

And for the poster saying that she left her partner for the same reason only proves my point, that not spending enough time together is a reason a woman would leave a relationship, not a man. It just doesn’t pass the sniff test, particularly when you factor in that he’s grown colder toward the OP. 

Post # 147
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee

What evidence do you have from the OP that her husband is cheating? 

Men can feel lonely and not go off to find someone else. Men can feel neglected. As many have pointed out, this is likely an introvert/extrovert issue that has evolved into a big communication breakdown. Stereotypes do nothing to help the OP here.

sunburn :   crustyoldbee :  

Post # 148
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

I find this whole “he must be cheating because men don’t leve unless they have a soft place to land” argument incredibly offensive, not to mention irrelevant. OFFENSIVE because generalizations like this don’t and shouldn’t fly when men make them about women and the same is true of when women make them about men. Aside from this kind of conclusion reinforcing sexist thinking, it’s just too simplistic, a blanket statement that absolves the “injured party” of any responsibility. Not saying (like some are) that the OP is entirely to blame, but writing this guy off as a cheating bastard is an awfully convenient way of avoiding self-examination. IRRELEVANT because there’s no way to confirm whether this is the truth. As sunburn :  implied, if confronted about this he will most likely lie, right? So the OP can assume that he’s cheating regardless of what he tells her or take his word for it that he is simply done with the marriage for a variety of other reasons. It doesn’t make the outcome any different either way.  

Post # 149
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree, I was initially convinced he.had found someone because divorce or separation doesn’t happen in a vacuum, but the more the OP posts the more sure I am that she’s been more concerned about her needs in their short marriage than his and their needs..    ecrisrien :  

Post # 150
Member
4058 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

crustyoldbee :  but your situation is different because you are admittedly happy to be home alone. Op’s husband obviously is not, and has expressed that. 

I don’t think it’s about going out or not, it’s about the fact that he has made his needs clear ,and she’s not able or willing to meet them.

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