Blindsided with a breakup

posted 11 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2015

So sorry to hear this. Its possible that he may come back after the stress is reduced but I wouldn’t plan for it. Also, you need to think about whether you’d really want to be with someone who’s response to stress is to leave you. This is not the only time in your lives that things will be stressful and those are the times when you really need to know that your partner is there for you not having to worry that he may do a runner at any point 

Post # 3
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

I agree I’d be very weary to want someone back who so blindsidedly called things off. But is there something that recently happened in his life that could cause a huge mental shift or even a mental breakdown? Guys hide their emotions so if he just lost his job and his kids’ mom is threatening him with back child support legal action then he may feel like it’s better to cut you loose than let you drown with him. Or he could be seeing someone else. I dont know. You may request a talk with him, he owes you that after breaking the engagement. See if there is something going on. Maybe he feels he can never give you a wedding. I dont know bee, but if it were me I’d want answers. 

Post # 4
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

While I do agree that he may or may not come back once his stress levels go down. I dont believe he is ready for a ligelong commitment such a marriage if being under high stress makes him leave you and break up an engagement with you. 

In a marriage there will be many situations with high stress level and you need to be with someone who is NOT going to just abandon you when the going gets tough. I am sorry but even if he were to come back around, I do not recommend you getting back together with him. 

He can think and he can deal with stress all while remaining in a telationship with you… there is absolutely no excuse in my opinion.

I am so sorry for the heartbrwak you must be going through.

Post # 5
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee

“Life is too complicated” is a classic break up line. 

 

Post # 6
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I once had some turd break up with me, he cited this gem: “I have too much going on in my life now, I have had to separate what I have no choice but to deal with, from things that I don’t need to deal with.”

Guess which group I fell into? You would think he was some captain of industry, with the weight of the world on his shoulders. No, just an ordinary not-that-special guy. He did me a favor.

Post # 7
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

anmar177 :  Ugh, I am soo sorry you’re going through this. Right now this will be hard to hear, but I think the main question is whether or not you want to take him back if he tries to get back together with you. Do you want a partner who is willing to dip out when there is stress? Being alone can be scary but there is so much growth that can happen when we learn to be comfortable alone. 

Post # 8
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve said that to men who in retrospect weren’t that important to me. I think I believed it at the time. 

Post # 9
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Do you really want to be with someone who can’t handle stress to the point that they’ll break up with someone they “love” because “life is too complicated”? What happens when you get married and life becomes “too complicated”? What happens when you have kids of your own and life gets “too complicated”?

Post # 10
Member
4568 posts
Honey bee

Is it possible?  Sure.  

But as PP pointed out, you need to decide if you want to be with a fair-weather fiance who bails when life gets tough.

Also, as PP pointed out, “complicated” is a line.  I’ve used that line.  Was life super busy and stressful at the time?  Sure was, although complicated may have been a stretch – it just helps shift the blame off me to make it seem like it’s out of my control.  But he was also pretty lackluster and just not someone I was willing to fit into my life cause I wasnt that into him.  But my current SO?  He’s my port in the storm.  Even when things are messy or hard, he’s worth rearranging the messy complicated parts to fit in because my life is better when he’s there.

So yeah, he may come back.  But you’d be accepting someone who didn’t think you were worth prioritizing in their life.

Post # 11
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

anmar177 :  Life is full of stress. As you age, it only gets bigger, worse, more dire, more frequent … stressors are everywhere. You do NOT deserve or need someone whose reaction to stress is to run for the hills! Let him go and count your blessings. Hugs to you. Find someone who WANTS to support you, and be supported by you, no matter what.

Post # 12
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

I won’t lie. I have said similar things to many guys that I was dating but knew they were not right for me… or they caught feelings as friends and I knew they wouldn’t stand for being friend zoned so I had to quit the friendship. Was never engaged though so… thats pretty messed up.

So no. I wouldn’t wait around. He isn’t that serious about you. Because life is only going to get harder and harder and the whole point of marriage is to have someone to go through life with the good and the bad. Not an “Oh I go bye bye for a while… ttyl”.

Post # 13
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Stress would be no reason to break off an engagement. Since he seems like the kind of person to not want to think things through, especially with a blindsided breakup like that, I’d be very cautious to take him back again and wouldn’t bet on him returning.

I’m sorry, Bee, that this has happened to you. But if a man is willing to let you go over stress not related to your relationship, then he’s not worth your time. He’s not willing to weather through the storms with you. 

Post # 14
Member
3528 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I agree with the others here that if his response to stress is to leave his partner, he is NOT a good choice for a life partner. Life is full of stresses and one of the main benefits of marriage is having a partner who is in it together with you no matter how hard it gets. 

If he does decide to come back, I would be very, very cautious in proceeding with him and I would absolutely NOT even consider marrying him until you have been through several rounds of couples counseling and you can be absolutely, 100% certain that he’s not just going to bail on you or shut down the next time you hit a rough patch in life. 

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