(Closed) Blowout with cousin over me coming out of the closet

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t know what to say other than that I’m sooo sorry your going through this. 🙁

ETD: It certainly doesn’t sound like you need to apologize! You are owed an apology, for sure.

Post # 4
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@jacinda10: No. It is NOT okay to be homophobic nor should you try to understand. Your mom sounds like she just wants you to make peace so she doesn’t have to confront anyone about their rudeness. Do not apologize, not for your words, and certainly not for being a lesbian.

These people are your family and they above all should respect you and swallow any homophobia that they may be harboring.

Post # 5
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Do not apologize for being you.  Your mom is trying to play peacemaker, but perhaps instead she should try to make sure her daughter is okay. 

Post # 6
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Can I ask, how old are you? 

Personally, I would not apologize to your cousin. She is being an ass, and if anything, needs to apologize to you. I’m sorry she acted this way. Have you gotten a reaction from your Gramma yet? I am glad that your aunt seems to be unfazed my this, and hopefully, will be able to help your cousin see the error in her ways.

Unfortunately, your mom is partly right. You do need to grow a thick skin because of the backlash you will get from some people, but you do not have to “get used to it” or apologize to your cousin

Post # 7
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

@strawberryavalanche: Ditto. I’ve been dealing with a homophobic family now (FI’s family) for 5 years, and now that we are marrying, they can get over it or get out of our lives. DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

You will never be able to bend over backwards enough for bigots. Trust me on this. They either learn to accept it and move on, or continue being self-righteous and judgmental. Apologizing will only give your cousin more reason to continue thinking you are making a “lifestyle choice”.

Post # 8
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I wouldn’t apologize personally.

Sorry you are dealing with this Frown

Post # 9
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

This cousin’s hurtful words and actions are beyond childish–don’t feel like you need apologize for her hurting you (!!) to keep the peace. Any harsh words you used to your cousin sound like they were more than justified. Your mom’s words are hurtful as well and you shouldn’t take stock in them (would she tell someone to “just get over” racist treatment, too?!).

Any disturbance in this family is your cousin’s problem. She wants to spread lies and stay out of family events because of her own issues, let her. She wants to make a stink and not come to your wedding because she is wildly intolerant, let her. People see through that stuff quickly enough.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I really don’t even know how people can justify bigotry, its just so assanine in my opinion.  I hope your cousin comes around, but NEVER apologize for who you are!!

Post # 11
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.  An engagement announcement should be received with celebration, not with negativity, as you’ve experienced.

Bottom line: your cousin owes you a huge apology. Your mother owes you a huge apology. If your aunt has involved herself in any of this, she also owes you an apology.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your cousin is the one who really needs to grow up and it may take her a long time (if ever) to realize she has done something incredibly hurtful. I sincerely hope she can see the error of her ways and apologize to you.  You deserve it!

By the way, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT!!!

Post # 12
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I really don’t think you should feel like you have to apologize!  You were totoally in the right in confronting your cousin’s heterosexist rantings.  I also don’t think you should have to go out of your way to explain yourself to your aunt.  Let her approach you if she feels the need, and explain then. 

You certainly do not need to “get used” to homophobia and intolerance.  To me, it sounds like you reacted to it in a reasonable way by confronting her about her offensive language etc.  

 

Post # 13
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I wouldn’t apologize. But your mother is right on the token you ARE going to have to get used to homophobes. Sad fact of life, I like tons of folks support gay marraige and all that jazz but there are tons of folks who don’t you will need to get used to it. But that just means you have to continue to act as you did.

Although I don’t think you should have even responded to your cousin in the first place. Just straight up ignore her entirely.

Post # 15
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

My husband proposed to me when I was 23, so I don’t think you are too young, especially with the fact that you are a PhD student (congrats on that – what an interesting career path. sounds like a lot of fun to me).

I think your partner hit the nail on the head – your cousin is showing jealousy. I don’t think your mom should discount what you have said, not sure why she is trying to make it any less than what it is. Does she think you would lie about what was said?

((HUGS)) I hope you get positive vibes from your Gramma. Maybe then, your cousin will cool down some

Post # 16
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

Your grandma might surprise you. My Fiance came out to her grandma by sending her our save the date. My FI’s cousin said she was talking about wanting to come (unfortunately she passed a few months ago).

It’ll all work out, and I agree with PP that this is your cousin’s problem. I’d ignore her and let her get over it. 🙂

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