- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
This is a bit of a long story, but I would really appreciate some advice.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years. I had told my Mom and immediate family about my gayness, but the news hadn’t trickled down to my Mom’s sisters and their kids etc. During the first year of our relationship, we weren’t really bringing the other one home for holidays, so it wasn’t a big deal “hiding” it. Anyway – we got more serious and started coming around eachother’s families for holidays. This past Christmas, my 30yr old cousin asked my 85 year old Grandmother if we were “roommates” or lesbians. My Grandma was horrified and said we were roommates. I ended up talking to my cousin afterwards and told her we were lesbians, and she was fine with it. She said she thought that telling my Gramma was a bad idea, and I agreed at the time.
Fast forward 6 months, and we got engaged, and were spending way more time with my family. My Mom desperately wanted me to tell my Gramma, but I kind of was putting it off because she is really old and I thought she might die before the wedding anyway, and she’s really Catholic – and my brother had some legal issues. So I just put it off. My mom and I decided that once the legal issues were done, I’d tell her – in a letter. So she could have the chance to process it herself. (I told her the gay and engaged news all at once. She knows my Fiance and loves her so I thought maybe that would help her accept it more).
I sent the letter last week, and my Mom mentioned it to her sister (the mom of the cousin from Christmas). The cousin FREAKED out. She called me, and some of her words were: “You’ve now ruined Gramma’s birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas”. “You did this all wrong, you should have spread out the news in intervals, over a 8 month period, avoiding all major holidays”. “You know, you are way too young to even get married – you have no life experience at all” “Why would you tell her about your wedding now? Your wedding is in a year – and who knows what could happen in the meantime” (implying that my Fiance and I would split). “I’m worried about this -are you being forced into this marriage? You’re practically a child bride.” “I don’t know if I agree with your LIFESTYLE CHOICE” “This isn’t something we should all be happy about for you”. Anyway – you get the point.
She attacked me for being gay – tons of homophobic comments, and also attacked me for the way that I came out.
I sent a FB message to her because on the phone, anytime I would make a comment that she would agree with, she would say “BUT…. You’re not even really gay (or a repeat of the comments above). So I wrote her a pretty long, carefully worded FB message saying that she has no right to comment on my relationship because she literally has no knowledge of it besides a 4 hour Christmas dinner. I also said she has no right to comment to me on the method of which I came out to my gramma, because it isn’t her concern. I also said I didn’t appreciate her “choice” talks, and if she is bothered by gay weddings, then she doesn’t have to come to my wedding if she doesn’t want to. (Which implies there will be a choice for her to attend – so she will be invited).
Anyway, she blocked and deleted me on FB and is trying to play innocent to her Mom. She said that I called her “a fucking stupid bitch” and said “you’re not invited to my wedding!” – she forwarded her Mom the message so I hope my Aunt was smart enough to see I didn’t write those things. But now my Mom is saying that my message was “explosive” and “un called for” and that “this is the first time you’ve encountered homophobia – you need to get used to it.” (WTF!)
My cousin is now refusing to come to my Gramma’s bday (the one that I’ve ruined). She has blocked me on facebook. My Mom keeps saying “What if your aunt and cousin don’t come to the wedding because of this?” – I FB chatted my aunt last night and we were normal, and she even told me she bought some milk glass for me recently. I think I’d be OKAY with my cousin not coming to the wedding, because of everything she said to me.
My mom says that it sounds like my cousin expects me to apologize to her – I really don’t think I need to.
What should I do? Apologize for the sake of keeping the peace? Try to contact her or her mom and let them know WHY I felt the need to stand up for myself, and how I will not tolerate people who are blatantly homophobic, and these people will not be in attendance to my wedding?
This is just so frustrating. My Mom agrees with me that what my cousin said was wrong, and that my message was “mostly” okay (she disagrees with some words I used like disgusting and utterly ridiculous etc etc). It just seems like she wants me to be the bigger person and say “Its okay if your homophobic – I understand.” UGH!