(Closed) BM didn't ask me in return

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
1736 posts
Bumble bee

texaslemon:  I think you see taking it too personal. Being a Bridesmaid or Best Man doesn’t define your relationship unless you let it, so stop. If she has a large bridal party, it was probably hard for it to narrow the list down in the first place. Maybe she thinks she is giving you a break from wedding stuff, or that you two are already sharing a lot of wedding experiences together. She simply might be closer to some other girls. Who knows?!?! Basically, don’t let it get to you. Just because you asked her doesn’t mean that she is obligated to ask you the same. 

Post # 3
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I am sorry, but I do think you are taking it to personally. She has her reasons as to why she chose who she did, and you have your reasons you chose who you did. I understand being hurt, I have been there, but you need to let this go so it doesn’t ruin your friendship. Have you talked to her about this? Maybe she has a legitimate reason.

Post # 4
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’ve been in 4 weddings and I am recently engaged. I only reciprocated asking 1/4 of the girls whose weddings I was in. It’s not personal, if I included all the people I wanted I would’ve had a 10-12 person bridal party. No way. My friends whose weddings I was in were super amazing and understanding, which I was so grateful for. It showed they really cared about our friendship and not just the title. I would take a step back and look at it from your friends perspective. Cuts had to be made somewhere and it’s unfortunate it was with you, but by acting butt hurt you are just reinforcing her decision.  Try to be gracious about it. It was a hard decision for her to make and you aren’t making it any easier. 

Post # 6
12953 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yes, you’re taking it too personal. Being a bridesmaid is not a tit-for-tat thing.  You asked her because you love her and wanted her to stand next to you, not so she’d ask you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding.

In all honesty, it’s probably a blessing for you to not financially have to worry about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man while trying to pay for your own wedding at the same time.

Post # 7
995 posts
Busy bee

If it bugs you this much then why haven’t you talked to her about it? If you’ve been friends for ten years and you consider her a close friend, why can’t you ask her what her reasoning was?

Post # 8
2351 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

texaslemon:  Of COURSE you’re taking it personally – I don’t see how you couldn’t!  

If this is a friendship you plan to continue after your weddings and if you’re as close as you say, can’t you just ASK her out right?  There might be a perfectly logical explanation that you hadn’t considered b/c I agree with you, it seems strange.  

How actively involved has she been in your wedding party?  I’d imagine being in a wedding party within 2 months of my own wedding would be hell on earth – maybe she was avoiding that stress for you?     

Post # 9
177 posts
Blushing bee

It is not your place to judge how close she is with the one bridesmaid who you are questioning.  Maybe they have helped each other through a difficult time, or bonded very quickly in the short amount of time they have been close.  Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, because it is her wedding and her decision.  


I disagree very strongly with the PP who suggested you talk to her about it.   That is only going to result in an awkward conversation and more hurt feelings.  Just be happy for your friend on her wedding day, be happy she is standing up with you on yours, and let it go. 

Post # 10
6537 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

texaslemon:  I’m going to be hoenst, it’s things like this that makes the wedding process stressful for brides. I can understand your feelings being hurt, but you really have no idea what went into the decision process for your friend. I’m in a wedding coming up where there are 12 bridesmaids!!! 12!!!! To me that is the most insane number but the bride has been in so many weddings that she feels obligated to include them in her wedding because of opinions like yours. She doesn’t want anyone’s feelings hurt because they asked her and she didn’t ask them. Out of the 12, 10 of them she has been (or is going to be) in their weddings….and sadly enough, there are more that “didn’t make the cut”. She actually ended up at this number because there were are least two people who definitely would have made an issue out of not being included. I say cut your friend some slack and enjoy your own wedding.

Post # 11
4525 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’d be hurt too, since there doesn’t seem to be a reason. I didn’t ask the friend whose wedding I was in because she is based 3,000 miles away and deploys often. I figure if she can even make the wedding it’ll be a miracle. But, since there’s nothing like that here, of course I’d wonder why.

Post # 12
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am the kind of person that I would have asked her long ago.  I have three ladies in my wedding party. My sister and my two best friends. I have been in 10 weddings, not including my sister and one best friends and those 10 ladies all expected to be in my wedding.  It was a very difficult conversation to have and tell someone “they didn’t make the cut” (which is one of them put it!).  I would ask. If you love her enough to ask her to bein your wedding, you should be able to ask what’s up with not being in hers.

Post # 13
995 posts
Busy bee

junkbee:  Why shouldn’t she ask the bride, even if it may result in an awkward conversation? If they are friends enough for the OP to have her in her own wedding, then they are friends enough to discuss things like this. Avoidance of “icky” topics are why resentment and hurt feelings often cause a strain on any relationship And can be avoided if people communicated. 

Post # 14
177 posts
Blushing bee

Ckasnoff:  Because, in my opinion, it doesn’t need discussion.  The friend chose her bridal party and OP isn’t in it.  No one is obliged to choose anyone to be in their wedding – it doesn’t matter how close they are, or that the friend is one of texaslemon’s bridesmaids.   Instead of asking the friend why she is not a bridesmaid, OP should ask herself why she feels entitled to be in her friend’s wedding.  

Post # 15
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Simply put- her wedding her choice- your wedding your choice.

And FFS do not ask her why. How petty and high school is that? Honestly what are you going to do if she tells you something you don’t want to hear like she didn’t pick you because you behave like this?

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