(Closed) BM for my MOH

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I had a close friend as a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my wedding and I’m not a Bridesmaid or Best Man in hers…. I didn’t really think anything of it since I know she was more close to me in my group of friends, kinda like you, till I found out she’s having 6 BMs… I got kinda sad that I didn’t make the cut =(

I’m still happy for her, just a little eh about it all… So I feel your eh about it all

Post # 4
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I am sorry. That is hurtful.

I would just let it go. It will be nice not to have to play bridesmaid when your wedding is so close. And these things aren’t worth ruining your friendship over. Just be happy for her and be happy for you!

When in doubt, share the love!!

Post # 5
2701 posts
Sugar bee

I think the initial twinge of pain would go away eventually for me. Time changes everything, including relationships unfortunately. Also, a friendship one may covet, the other person think casually of. I am sorry that you’re a bit hurt, but I am glad you’re happy for her.

Post # 6
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Maybe she isn’t interested in having BMs or only wants a sibling?  Hopefully it isn’t like what happened to amnystik.  I think if she is having a large party and doesn’t ask you to be in it that would be a little dissapointing.  Just try to stay excited for her and enjoy having somebody to plan with the best that you can.

Post # 9
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Well I know I won’t be in my MOH’s wedding at all because she has 4 sisters, but it’s all good.  I would probably be a little put out if she added a bunch of friends because i’m not one of them though.

Post # 10
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I know I would certainly be hurt:(  because when something like that happens it can feel like you care more about the friendship than she does… I am not saying that is your case or anything but that is how I would feel personally.

But maybe she hasn’t even made a choice yet?  how far off is the wedding?  Is there still time?  What makes you think that she may not ask you?  (wow, I have alot of questions LOL) 

but yea, I think for me, I would definitely be hurt.  for sure! 



Post # 11
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would wait and see who she asks. As PP have mentioned maybe she’s going to have her family, or even her FI’s family, which is totally understandable. If she asks a bunch of friends and you’r enot included, then I do think it’s totally reasonable to be hurt.

Post # 12
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I understand you being hurt, but I’m actually in the opposite position.  I was the Maid/Matron of Honor in a friend’s wedding 4 years ago and was shocked and surprised back then that she even asked me (we were coworkers).  She came from a small town and didn’t have many friends so it was me, her sister and a college friend.

I’m now getting married and have two extremely close friends that I’ve known since childhood standing up for me, as well as my daughter as my Maid/Matron of Honor, my sister and FI’s sister.  The friend who had me as her Maid/Matron of Honor is a personal attendant.  I’m not sure if her feelings are hurt or not – I’ve tried to include her as best I can.

Until you know who is in the bridal party, there really isn’t much you can do.  If you’re close enough to her, I would probaby say something like, “I’m getting really excited for you wedding, have you decided who you’re having stand up with you yet?”  If you’re good friends, I’m surprised that conversation hasn’t already taken place.  Even my friends that aren’t in my wedding had asked early on who was going to be standing up for me.

Post # 13
3942 posts
Honey bee

I understand, and like the PP I am in the opposite situation. I was Maid/Matron of Honor in a friends wedding 3 years ago. Due to moves, life, work, etc. we have just drifted apart. She is very special to me but I am keeping my bridal party to just family. So she won’t be a part of it. I feel really bad but we just arent as close as we used to be.

Post # 14
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

There may be other factors other than her just not feeling that close to you.  My Maid/Matron of Honor got married a few weeks ago, and I was not in her bridal party, even though she had six bridesmaids.  I wasn’t offended, though, because she has four sisters, and her husband has a sister, too.  She only got to have one regular friend in her bridal party.  I don’t know that I would have been a bridesmaid if she had fewer sisters (though I like to think that I might have been), but I KNOW I wouldn’t have been Maid/Matron of Honor.  And that’s okay.  This is just how things turned out.

Your friend may have a large family that takes precedence over her friends in the bridal party, or her FI’s family may take some spots.  She may plan to have a very intimate wedding with very few bridesmaids or none at all.  She may be under pressure from another group to include all of them, and maybe she feels like she has to have that group in her party, even if she’d prefer to have some other people.  Who knows?

The important thing to remember, I think, is that she loves you and is there for you.  She accepted the role of Maid/Matron of Honor for you – and that’s a big role that requires a pretty hefty investment of her time and money.  She wouldn’t have decided to be your Maid/Matron of Honor if she didn’t want to work so hard for you.  She is probably honored to be your Maid/Matron of Honor – as she should be – but you should feel very honored that she accepted the position, too.  She may not be able to give you the same role in her wedding, but don’t let that make you think that your friendship means anything less.

I would talk to her and see if there’s anything else you can do to help her.  You may not be a bridesmaid, but you can still help make her big day be awesome, and I know she’ll appreciate it.  Maybe you can help with some simple DIY stuff, or perhaps you can talk about different vendors with her.  Look through magazines together to help her find ideas.  Find your own way to help add to her big day, and I promise she’ll feel as honored by your help as you should for her help as your Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 15
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mrstj2b: I’m actually in the same exact postion as you and completely understand how you feel. My very good friend and Maid/Matron of Honor got engaged after me and I just realized for the first time that she is most likely not going to have me in her wedding party. She is having a short engagement and would need to have chosen her bridesmaids by now. I know she is very close to her sister and FI’s sisters, so I’m assuming she is having a “family only” wedding party. Lately, it has made the wedding talk a little weird between us since I haven’t been asked to be in her wedding party and it’s like the pink elephant in the room. I’m not disappointed and never expected to ever be her Maid/Matron of Honor, but just a little sad that I won’t be able to be with her while she gets her hair/makeup done and steps into her big, white wedding dress for the very first time since we have talked about sharing these moments for many years! I guess a positive is that you won’t have to pay for a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, shoes, hair, etc lol! In the end, just know it’s nothing against you since I’m sure she just couldn’t accomodate everyone and you will still be there to support her marriage, but I also def understand being initially a little sad.

Post # 16
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Um…is it possible that she picked up on the fact that you were less than 100% excited when she got engaged? You wrote “I did sort of struggle with it at first, but I’m over it now.” Obviously I don’t know the circumstances or why you felt ambivalent, but if I were in her position and noticed that a good friend whom I was standing up with was less than thrilled about my engagement, I would seriously reconsider asking them to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, even if I had originally planned for them to be. Perhaps some of her other friends demonstrated more genuine happiness and excitement for her and her upcoming marriage, and she decided that they made more sense to include in her bridal party. Seems fair to me.

If I were you I’d try to worry less about whether or not you get asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and just concentrate on being a good, supportive friend to her. In some ways, being a Bridesmaid or Best Man means relatively little–sure, it’s nice to be asked and I can certainly understand feeling left out, but as the boards have taught all of us, lots of brides have mixed feelings about their Bridesmaid or Best Man choices by the time the wedding comes around. Try to take the long view. The friendship should matter more than the formality of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Do something sweet for her in the next week or two (bake cookies and take them to her; take her out to a movie…whatever) and just enjoy her company. If your relationship with her is what matters, finding ways to be fun and supportive is a much better way to channel your energy than feeling wounded about her choice of BMs and withdrawing. I know it’s hard and you will feel stung if she doesn’t end up picking you, but try to keep it to yourself and be there for her anyway. Who knows, you might be better friends for it in the long run.

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