(Closed) BM going thru some things, but the justified flakiness is still stressing me out

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sure if you want to kick your friend while she’s down. If you kick her out say goodbye to that friendship.

Sorry but she’s not obligated to discuss your wedding or to be excited about it, especially with all of this other stuff going on in her life.

Post # 4
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

For her sake, keep her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man but don’t expect anything from her… she needs you now as a friend until this whole relationship mess is sorted out. I am sorry you are going through this, but see it from her side. She can’t be excited, she is a wreck. But letting her go as Bridesmaid or Best Man will bring her down even more…

Post # 5
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Her life is falling apart. Support her as much as you can. What would you expect her to do if the situation were reversed?

Post # 6
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Ms. Martian:  This.

You acknowledge everything she’s going through…how can you be at all surprised she’s not excited to talk about your wedding? I don’t think anyone in her position would be.

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Sure kick her out, I’m sure it will be the cherry on top of what sounds like a fantastic few months for her.

 

Post # 8
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Ms. Martian:  +1.  Sorry OP, but your BMs are not obligated to talk about your wedding even once if they don’t want to.  As long as she gets the dress and shows up on the day of your wedding she has done her part (it completely sucks, believe me I know, but the one thing I learned on the Bee is that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do).  You, however, as a friend, are obligated to be there for her during this tough time in her life.  To kick her out of your bridal party just because she’s preoccupied with her own issues is not what a “friend” should do.  JMHO.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

This post is completely disgusting. Your friend is going through some pretty fucked up shit and all you care about is your wedding and the fact that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Give me a break. If you want to kick her out, do it, but be prepared to lose a friend in the process. Frankly, if she knew you were more concerned with the menial details of your wedding day over helping her cope with all of the crap that she’s dealing with, she probably wouldn’t want anything to do with you anyway. 

Post # 10
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@UpstateCait:  Whoa!  While I agree with you, there’s no need to call the original post “disgusting”.  Dang! Tongue Out

Post # 11
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

OP, I know that you’re not trying to rub it in her face, but speaking as someone who a few years back was going through a terrible relationship breakup at the time my friend got engaged, this is what she hears when you talk about your wedding:

“Oh, your relationship sucks and it’s making your life suck?  Don’t care, listen to how happy I AM and how happy MY relationship is and how I’m getting something you want desperately but can’t have NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!”  

I know that’s not at all what you’re saying, but that’s what she hears when you bring up your wedding.  I know she’s your best friend, but you have other people to wedding gush to.  Go gush to them and just be supprotive to her.  

Post # 12
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@VegasSukie:  I call it like I see it. 

Exhibit A:

“Right before I got engaged she was pregnant for months and didnt know it, but a week after she found out she miscarried. Her bf is very abusive so I actually feel it was probably for the best.”

Exhibit B:

“Well after I got engaged she brought it up to her bf that she was ready to get married, and even though he was all for having a baby together, he told her he doesn’t want to marry her. So that was heartbreaking for her all in it’s own twisted way.”

Exhibit C:

“What she needs right now is a friend. But she doesn’t even have a bridesmaids dress…”

Exhibit D:

“UGH.. bottom line–I want her out, and it’s BECAUSE she’s going through hard times.”

I could go on…

While a wedding day is important, the relationship that you have with someone who has been in your life for 18+ years trumps it tenfold. This girl isn’t being an asshole and ignoring the wedding just because she doesn’t give a crap, she’s going through some pretty awful stuff right now and could really use a friend. The OP clearly doesn’t care about her “friends” issues if she’s more concerned with her wedding that’s still months away. 

Post # 13
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@UpstateCait:  Lol!  I totally get it…but still…we don’t want to scare the new bees away.  Eh!  Don’t mind me…I’ve been all flowers and sunshine since school ended and all my time can now be focused on my wedding (when I’m not at work). 

Post # 14
Member
13015 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

So let me get this straight.  She lost a child, she gets beaten up by her boyfriend, boyfriend says he doesn’t want to marry her…and you’re mad that she’s not all  sunshine and flowers about your wedding?  No offense, but you don’t sound like the type of “best friend” I’d want in a situation if I were in a rough place like this.

Your talking about your wedding with her probably upsets her more, because she does seem like she wants to get married.  On some level, she’s probably jealous.

If you care about this friendship at all, I’d stop talking about your wedding and how happy you are, and be a real friend to be by her side through this tough time.  On the other hand, if you’re ready to put the nail in the coffin so-to-speak, kick her out of the bridal party.  but say goodbye to your “best” friend.

Post # 15
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m sorry you have found yourself stressing out to the point of wanting to “kick her out.” if you really care about her though, you won’t make that choice. Like PPs have said, that will most definitely ruin your friendship. I would suggest either having a conversation with her, or just letting her be. If you decide to talk to her, empathize with her situation & then let her know that it sucks to have to talk about wedding stuff with her because it’s like rubbing salt in her wound. Ask her if you can help her with any of the wedding details (or another Bridesmaid or Best Man help her) during this hard time she’s having. If she says “No” (or if you decide to not to talk to her about it in the first place), you will have to trust her to figure out the dress & other details. Obviously she must know that she cannot show up to your wedding & expect to stand by your side wearing just any dress from her own closet. Good luck!

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