(Closed) BM hassle

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

It sounds like you are being more than reasonable and not a zilla at all. Your BM’s tattoos sound downright offensive, this is from someone who also has tattoos.  I’m interested if she has a job, I can’t imagine many employers being thrilled about those tats. I would not want that word in any of my wedding photos, she is being unreasonable if she can’t see your POV about that. 

As for your friend who got upset about the pie table, I’d have told her to deal with it. Why do some guests have to make weddings all about them?!

Post # 3
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

You are most definitely NOT being too mean! It’s YOUR wedding! 

And definitely don’t cave to the pressure of inviting people you aren’t comfortable with (or even know!) to your wedding, especially given that you’ve had to exclude people who do matter to you.  She’s a grown up and she can deal with spending a single day with her family without a friend present. 

That being said, you need to decide how important it is to have your niece in your wedding party.  I went through a similar thing with my sister when she asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor, and then immediately started demanding that I dye my hair a certain color and that I couldn’t get any new tattoos from that point until her wedding (it was 18 months away and I was in the middle of a back piece).  What I told her (politely) was that it was her choice but she could either have the sister God gave her, or none at all in her wedding party.  I said I’d happily use spray dye on the day-of if my hair was an unnatural color, and I’d wear whatever dress she chose, so if she didn’t like my back tattoos, she’d just have to select a dress that covers them.  

i think all of your requests are quite reasonable, but she may not be adult enough to accept that it’s not all about her.  In that case, she can be a regular guest (without a damn date) and you can have a more peacful wedding without all her added stress. 

Post # 4
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Nothing you are demanding is over the top.  Your niece I think is the type that thrives off of being provocative and edgy.  While her decisions are her decisions, I would be willing to bet that she enjoys when someone takes offense to her tattoos.  It sounds to me like she wants your wedding to play into her normal political plat form.  Not saying that her platform is wrong, but alot of what she is doing/wants to do seems like she wants to stir up a gender roles/social justice issue debate at your wedding.  I would have a discussion with her that while you support what she is about, your wedding is not a forum for her view points. 

Post # 5
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

She sounds immature and doesn’t know that a wedding is for the bride and groom.. not the bridesmaid. Can another family member knock some sense into her? Her parents or grandparents maybe?

Post # 6
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 

View original reply
MissCompanion:  You’ve given up so much that YOU’VE wanted for YOUR wedding day just to make other people happy. You’re not being mean at all. If she can’t cover her extremely offensive tattoos, I’d tell her she can come as a guest, but expect to be asked to leave if you can see any of them. I have tattoos, Fiance has tattoos… but those, I wouldn’t want in my wedding. Second, I’d tell your sister if she wants cake, she can buy her own damn cake. If you want apple pie, have your apple pie!

This is the day YOU have to remember the rest of your life. Your family and friends don’t have to. Do whatever you have to do, to make it exactly how you want it.

You’re not being a bridezilla at all. But everyone else you’re dealing with, they’re being Zillas.

Post # 7
Member
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
MissCompanion:  normally I would say that you shouldn’t ask to cover tatoos but in this case I think it’s acceptable – I wouldn’t want swear words in all my pictures either.  I think you’ve given her 2 good options and it’s up to her to choose.

I understand you not wanting strangers at the wedding but I do tend to think that all members of the Bridal Party should be given a guest – all the same the guest will be on their own most of the day so if they know no one that could be awkward.  Perhaps if she has a steady(ish) Girlfriend come wedding time you can allow her a date?

Post # 8
Member
2563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

The only thing I agree with you is the tattoo part.  While I am all for tattoos and people not being forced to cover them for a wedding, that stops if there is something offensive about the tattoos.  Having the word “fuck” across her chest she shouldn’t be surprised she is being asked to cover it.

ETA: nevermind, miss read point number 2

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  .
Post # 10
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

View original reply
MissCompanion:  That’s my point precisely. Your requests are reasonable… my sister’s were not! With my unnatural hair and lots of tattoos, I wouldn’t want that kind of a tattoo in my wedding photos either! 

Post # 12
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Maybe I’ll get flack from this, but I’d consider if you want her in the bridal party. She sounds immature. The tattoo situation sounds like a nightmare, and I can’t believe she asked you to move your date. She sounds like she’s going to be quite the handful leading up to the wedding and possibly the day of. 

Post # 14
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I would never classify your actions as mean. Please do remember it is YOUR day and you need to stick to your guns about the things that matter to you, like not having offensive tattoos in the photos you (and your potential future children!) will reflect on for a lifetime! You are already acoommodating her preferences by allowing her to wear a coordinating outfit that she feels comfortable in, it is not unreasonable at all for her to compromise by keeping her shirt buttoned to the appropriate level (at the very least during the ceremony and photos). If I were in your position in no way would I allow her to bring a date, let alone one known for ruffling feathers in your family. You have cut your guest list significantly and she should understand your reasoning. I am so sad for you that you won’t have the pies you wanted because you chose to honor your sister’s preferences. I truly hope the people in your life appreciate your selfless choices. 

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