Post # 46
Many people, including Dear Abby, not sure if it was the mother or daughter, believe the landscape on this subject has changed because of STDs and that the person being cheated on has a right to know and should be told on the principle that it’s a risk to his life and health.
I would never react on the basis of second hand gossip that may or may not be true. But no doubt I’d also have a hard time if it were a best friend with an abusive and controlling spouse making this revelation. What I would not stand for is being used as an excuse. Regardless, it sounds to me as if Bridesmaid or Best Man is looking for a way out and wanted on some level to be caught. So stupid on her part,because now, instead of him looking like the guilty party, she does.
No one in this situation behaved too well and chances are there will be one less bridesmaid.
Post # 46
No. You could’ve gotten it off your chest with this message board filled with a bunch on anonymous strangers. You didn’t feel guilty … you just had some juicy gossip that you were supposed to keep confidential and busting to tell someone. That someone was your husband. Unfortunately, you chose the wrong person to confide in since he continued the blabbing. I am sorry but if I confided in you, I would TRUST you to keep my secret and NOT blab it to anyone.
It’s the fact that she told someone who blabbed even further. OP’s husband should’ve kept his mouth shut, too. The husband is just as wrong as the OP for splling the beans.
Post # 48
Exactly. We don’t know why she cheated on her husband. If he is as bad as you say, well, sometimes people do hurtful things to spite people who hurt them. But like Ellicott said, you being able to spread gossip was more important to you than respecting your friend. Wanting to be see someone caught in a lie, wanting to spread maliciousness, betraying people you supposedly care about – those are all cruel and selfish things to do. What happens to your friend now? Who are you – who are any of us – to decide she deserves exposure and punishment? You are not the wronged part here.
Post # 50
Honestly I tell my husband everything and I mean EVERYTHING. I don’t see why others are giving you a hard time. It sucks that he told someone else; especially when he knew his Best Man knew someone who was related to the husband. However ultimately this is on your friend since she’s the cheater. Even if her husband is an asshole she had the opportunity to leave him before she started the affair. Even if things just got out of hand she’s been in this affair for 6 months, that’s plenty of time to get up the courage to walk out. Clearly she likes having her cake and eating it too. This situation wasn’t fair to the husband and he deserves to know even if it does not come from her.
Post # 49
In the old thread you said:
“I also do not particularly like her husband, he is very mean and controlling of her. He controls her money, her friends, everything. She has to ask permission to hang out with me (or anyone for that matter).” Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-moh-is-cheating-on-her-husband/#ixzz2x7NFcn24
So I think you should warn her. You and your fiance are responsible for letting the secret out, so I think therefore you owe it to her to warn her.
This will not be pretty for you, but it is better to hear from you than to hear from someone else, that your fiance blabbed. p.s. I can’t believe what you Fiance did – it was just off the Richter scale in terms of stupidity.
Post # 51
Actually no, I felt like I needed to get it off my chest to my fiance. I felt like I was lying to him by keeping this information, ESPECIALLY after she used me as an excuse/coverup. That was when I drew the line and had to tell him. Anyways, I don’t see how I am the bad guy when she is the one who is fucking another man in her own bed.
Yep I tell my Fiance everything too. I couldn’t believe he told his best man either! I was so mad at him for that. But like I said, it’s too late now!
I agree that I should warn her. I am actually getting ready to call her. I talked it over with my Fiance and he agrees that as a man, he would rather hear it from me than from an outsider.
Post # 52
I side with those that are wondering why people are jumping on you for telling your Fiance. I couldnt imagine keeping something like that from mine! Honesty is super important to us, and we’re there to listen to any issues the other person may be going through.
And so your Fiance made a mistake by telling others-so what? I’ve let things slip every now and then that I wasn’t supposed to, so has my Fiance. People slip up some times. I feel that if you tell one half of a couple something, you’re also telling the other half. And really, if you tell anyone a secret, you have to know that there’s a chance it will come out. I feel bad for the people that don’t feel okay to share things that are weighing on their minds with their partner.
Dont beat yourself up about this-it’s her mess that she likely wanted to blow up in her face so she could deal with the aftermath instead of hiding. Best of luck to you!
Post # 53
The minute you tell anyone a secret, it’s not a secret anymore. End of. This is what the Bridesmaid or Best Man set herself up for.
Anything you tell to me is told to my SO and in high school anything you told to me was being told to my sister and most importantly my mother. At least one responsible adult had to know what was going on in case someone needed serious help. Couples shouldn’t keep each other in the dark about things and no ones secret is more important than the openness and trust between my SO and I.
And as weddingmaven:
mentioned, in this world of rife STDs I don’t care how douchey the husband is, he does not deserve to be unknowingly exposed to diease. Even if she is being safe (and she can’t even be safe with her own secret) there is still a risk of exposure to HPV and other dieases which can live on the thighs and testicals. These are not being prevented by the condom.
I hope that something good comes from this, perhaps this was the bottom the couple needed to hit in order to improve or, if the relationship is unfixable, then perhaps this will be the kick they both need to move on.
Post # 55
I warned her that her husband was going to find out, she wasn’t mad at me for telling my Fiance, and her husband believed her when she made up a story about why she was hanging out with this guy. Now she is completely backtracking what she told me and says they never slept together. So either she lied and made up the affair, or she’s lying now. It’s pretty crazy!
Post # 56
she is lying now to cover her ass. Not someone i would want to be friends with. She has lost her moral compass.
Post # 58
I tell my DH everything, as he does the same. I can completely understand why you shared with him, as it is an upsetting situation, especially since she is dragging you into it by using you as a cover.
Whatever consequences fall on her, is her doing by cheating in the first place (it would be in no way your fault as some others may be telling you).
Post # 59
I would stay away from her now that she’s backtracking. I’d be worried about what other lies she’ll concoct to cover it up…