(Closed) BM question (I’m in someone else’s wedding)

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Hmm,  honestly, because it’s still so far out, you could drop out if you feel like it’s the best decision, and no one would have reason to be devastated over it. Things happen, life changes, and you need to look out for you.

Typically, I’m the kind of person that thinks once you committ to being in the wedding, you committ, including all costs (travel, dress, shoes, showers, b’ette parties, etc.). but if it gets to the point where the bride is insisting you buy shoes a year out, and you simply can’t afford it, and she doesn’t understand, it could get worse.

I don’t know for sure, of course, but I would  think about how this friend means to you, and if it’s worth it. Maybe sit her down and really be serious about the shoes, and see what she says. If you think it’s all too overwhelming with the new job, just say as much as you’d love to stand up with her on her wedding day, you simply can’t, and you’re really sorry that life events changed, but that you’ll definitely want to attend as a guest and support her along the way.

Post # 4
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Bee hugs!  I’ve kinda got the same thing going on.  I’m a bridesmaid in two weddings about 4 months before mine, and they’re also in my wedding.  I agree with smirerva21 on some parts; I think when you commit, you commit.  And I had all my bridesmaids be ordered and pay their half of the deposit for the bridesmaid dresses (the last one did it today) and I’m an Oct. 2010 bride.  But, I can definitely see how it can be a problem for you.  I think you should try talking to her about it, and finding out if there are any alternatives, like can you put your shoes on layaway?  I hope all this works out for you and doesn’t add to YOUR wedding stresses too much!

Post # 5
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I don’t think anyone here can tell you whether dropping out is the right thing to do. 

On one hand, if you were to drop out, now would be the time, so it doesn’t muddler her plans as the day gets closer. Definitely would be the time.  On the flipside though, she feels close enough to you to ask you to stand for her on her big day, so dropping out should be a last resort in mho.  Is she a Bridesmaid or Best Man in your wedding the month eariler?

She was engaged first, you chose to have your wedding earlier than hers, it sounds like there’s a little bit of a competition happening (ideas for the wedding being stolen- at least yours is first?) , and maybe you’re looking for excused to leave (if it really comes down to a financial decision re: puchasing the dress and shoes, you need to let her know bc maybe you will find she would be willing to help you out with their purchase, or buy them for you and you can pay her back gradually). 

I think you really need to think things through as to the real reason you want out of the wedding and make a decision from there. 

Post # 6
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

DROP OUT.  It doesn’t sound like you are making any sacrifices to make things happen (if the shoes are really that inexpensive, I’m sorry, you could figure out a way to get them.)

Just tell your friend that you were so excited and touched that she asked you to be part of her wedding, but after taking a realistic look at your finances and availability, you need to respectfully bow out.

Do it sooner than later, so she can have someone fill that spot, if she is dead set on having 8 BM’s.

And, I’m kind of curious what elements of decor she’s ‘stolen’.   

Post # 7
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

The bride is probably correct about you needing to get the shoes now, since a style of shoe is usually only available for one season. If you just can’t afford it right now, can you ask her to buy them for you and promise to pay her back on a certain date? I wouldn’t mind to do that for a bridesmaid.

Post # 9
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I would drop out if I were you. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, but as a bride I’d be pretty upset to have my bridesmaids complaining about costs if I was already trying to keep them low. Might be better for both of you to back out!

Post # 10
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I think the issue of finances is the bottom of the barrel here. I think the more important factor, is that with our wedding (beit finances or planning) and seeing how she’ll have a tendency to channel her inner bridezilla, I think it might be best for your friendship, if you drop out.

As for stealing your food and invitations, well your wedding is first, so most of the stealing isn’t going to look that way since hers is after.  I’m sure you want to just stand alone, and have your wedding lokk unique.  But at least it will seem original when your guests experience it at your wedding.

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