(Closed) BM stepped down, asked to be hostess instead – should she be hated? PLEASE help!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Brides are tempramental about their choices.  She probably saw your comment about the shoes as more of an attack of her choice again, and resented that. Hoenstly if one of my bridesmaids told me she’d never be a Bridesmaid or Best Man again after my wedding, I’d be upset too, whether the comment was made in jest or not.  It’s a hurtful thing to say regardless.  I think there has been wrongdoings on both sides here, and you both need to apologize to each other. 

Also, to be honest, I’ve never heard of a wedding hostess…  the hosts are the parents and the couple, who are paying for the event.  Saying you’re a hostess kind of steals their thunder… (at least, in my opinion).

Post # 4
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@tgltgl:  Honestly I think you both are at fault.  You over-stepped your boundaries by being too choosy with shoes and dress; she over-reacted about the seriousness of it.  I definitely think it’s best that you not be a bridesmaid at this point, for both of you.  Just leave her be – you’ve offered to help, she’ll let you know if she wants it.  Until then, just let her be.  Your friendship might have hit a hiccup but I’m sure it’ll go back to normal.

Post # 5
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I don’t think you’re being too choosy on the dress (I have a similar issue, and I hate it), but I think you should have just went with her shoe choice.. She obviously really wants you in her wedding, so unless you’re just not feeling it anymore, I’d just wear the shoes she picks and tell her you’re sorry for making comments about it. 

Post # 6
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s hard to know all the facts from one side, but it sounds like she was accomodating with the dress and was pushed over the edge by your email about the shoes (even if you didn’t mean for it to be taken badly). Hearing that criticism from a friend, for whom she has already made concessions, while she is in the midst of wedding planning, might have been too much.

If I cared about the bride and wanted to salvage the friendship, in your shoes, I would probably call her, apologize for complaining about the shoes, let her know you really want to be a part of her day and would like to forget about the whole thing.

 

Post # 8
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@tgltgl:   then sent an email to the bride joking saying that I enjoyed being her Bridesmaid or Best Man, but I would never be a Bridesmaid or Best Man again because people make you wear things that aren’t flattering.  I made it clear to her that I wouldnt dare ask her to change the shoe, because she had already addressed my scar issue, but that I didn’t like the shoe. 

 

I think you lost her right where I bolded.  As a bride, I’m honestly trying my best to make choices that I think everyone will like, will look good in, and can afford (or I can afford!), and I can honestly say it’s been one of the more stressful aspects of planning.  It’s TRYING when you’re balancing 4 women of all shapes, sizes, and preferences.  Hearing something like that could very well have sent me into a tailspin if you hit me on the right day.  Hopefully this will blow over and you two can get back on track.

Also, having some alternatives offered to me would have lessened the blow in hearing that you didn’t like any of the shoes.  Just a thought.

Post # 9
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sounds like typical wedding drama. I wouldn’t be in anyones but look at the positive side, you don’t have to deal with anymore drama from her. I’d take it easier on your bridesmaids.

Post # 10
Member
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I can understand your views on the dress, and she accomodated you.  But I believe that Bridesmaids should go along with what the bride wants.  If she sends you 3 shoes and asks you to pick one, just pick one.  Even if you don’t like them.  When I have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man, this is the rule I followed.  The dress, shoes, etc, may not have been what I would have chosen, but it’s not about me.  My BMs acted the same way.  They were totally agreeable to any and all things that I liked or wanted.  I would have been annoyed if any of them would have given me pushback – even if it was under the guise of a joke.  I would apologize to her and walk a fine line from here on out.  She clearly wants you be at her side on her wedding day, so be there for her.  This is not about fat feet or your feelings about having to wear things you don’t like.  This is about her getting married and wanting you to be there for her.

I would have actually been appalled if one of my BMs had commented that they would never be a Bridesmaid or Best Man again because brides make them wear things that are unflattering.  Totally appalled!  Therefore I don’t think her response was “out of nowhere” as you said.  I think it was necessary.

Post # 11
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like there’s a lot of stress going on in the lives of the bride and groom.  You made a joke about something that they might laugh about at another point in their lives, but right now, this wedding IS A HUGE DEAL.  It is what they’re planning every moment they aren’t sleeping or working.  (I may be exagerating, I don’t know this couple, but you get the idea.)

In their minds, this wedding *is going to be perfect* – so even though you were trying to be funny, it might not have been a topic they can handle joking about.  Plus, we all know that emails and texts (you mention that you wrote these things) aren’t always clear ways to communicate.  It’s easy to assume that something is meant to be offensive, when the writer really didn’t mean anything by the statement at all.  Humans communicate so much by body language and tone of voice, we miss all of that when we write.

I’m not sure that your dress was the issue here.  I think the issue was your joke “I’ll never be a bridesmaid again! lol” – Even if you intended that as a harmless joke, a harried bride COULD have heard “I’m never doing this crap again, look at all these ridiculous hoops you’re making me jump through, and the ugly things I have to wear! Gee, why can’t you think about me!”  (Now I am not say that you meant this, or thought this, but if the bride was having a stressful day, and you made a joke about not wanting to be a bridesmaid again; she may have thought it meant you didn’t want to be one NOW, either.)

Oh, I don’t think the response was warranted.  And I’m certainly very sorry that you’ve been cut out, and hurt. 

I don’t think that you will be the hostess.  I don’t think you want the role of hostess.  The hostess PAYS for the party.  She sends all the invitations, she greets all the guests as they arrive, she is responsible for the seating charts, she makes sure that the food is served on time.  The hostess watches to see that Uncle Jack doesn’t get tipsy, and if he does, a cab is descreetly called to get him home/back to the hotel safely.  The hostess stays and makes sure that everything is ok with the vendors at the end of the night, she collects any gifts or cards that are brought to the reception and makes sure they are held for the bride and groom until the couple returns from the honeymoon.  This is why the host/hostess of the wedding is/are almost always the parent(s) of the couple.  Or the couple themselves.

Perhaps you could host a shower or party?  Or offer to be a silent maid, one who doesn’t stand up?

 

Post # 12
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@tgltgl:  It’s sweet of you to want to help, but there really isn’t a job title for these responsibilities.  At this point your friend might also just want some space from you since you’ve been so vocal already.  Why should she give you more things to do when you’ll just give your opinion, you know?  There’s so much that goes into this whole process that the last thing brides want is other people’s involvement sometimes.  I’m a control freak myself – my Future Mother-In-Law keeps asking what she can do to help, and the short answer is:  the thing you can do to help the most is stop asking me what you can do to help.

 

Just leave her be, enjoy her wedding, and be as supportive as you can but let her come to you.

Post # 14
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I get where you are coming from but I would have let her have the shoes. Maybe if she saw the shoes on your foot and if indeed you did end up with “fat foot” maybe she would re-evaluate the shoes on her own. 

Post # 15
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@tgltgl:  It’s only a friendship-ender if you make it one.  Approach her and calmly explain your side – tell her you made a bad joke, you liked the shoes, and you appreciate the accomodation of your shoulder sensitivities.  Tell her you want to be part of her day, but understand if she wants you to step back.  Be the bigger person and apologize, and then let her decide what she wants to do from here.  Just show her you’re there to support her any way you can, whether that’s being a Bridesmaid or Best Man, or hosting a shower, or watching quietly from the audience on the wedding day.  Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think your message was kind of passive agressive and you weren’t really joking. She is probably stressed and you adding to that with a comment like that, which is a “joke” but seems to kind of feel and come off as you really feeling that way. I think the way they handled the dress issue was insensitive but they did fixed it. I also think she thinks you are a good friend and she seems to really want you to be there.

 I am one of those people who think brides shouldn’t demand to much of their bridesmaid, but sometimes for your friend you show up, close your mouth, and wear whatever, as long as it’s doesn’t cause you pain, or a great discomfort, I don’t think it’s asking too much. That comment was insensetive and really not funny, if I were you I would apologize for it. If any of my bridesmaid made a comment like that it would make me feel really badly and question if they wanted to even be in the wedding.

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