(Closed) BM stepped down, asked to be hostess instead – should she be hated? PLEASE help!

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 62
127 posts
Blushing bee

Wow Kewii –  Being a bridesmaid is stating that you are willing to accompany the bride to the ceremony, in proper attire. Proper attire means something that is suitable for the wedding, which in turn is determined by the bride and groom, not by the bridesmaid herself, unless the bride gives her permission. Otherwise the bridesmaid shouldnt be there in the first place. As far as i can tell this is still a free country and no one holds a gun to someones head forcing them to wear certain clothes as a bridesmaid lol…she had the choice to say no to being a bridesmaid in the first place. 

 As a lesson to us all – no one should take it lightly nor be flippant when being asked to be a bridesmaid. It is an honor as a friend, but it requires some constraints also.

Post # 63
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

OP, I think you already know you made some mistakes. Did she overreact? Sure. Did you say some hurtful things? Sure. I think, however, your biggest mistake was your second offering to back down from being a bridesmaid. When you suggested this the first time, after the dress incident, the bride told you that she did not want you to step down. She wants you to be a bridesmaid. She adjusted the dress for you…and now you are saying you will back down again? I know to you, you’re trying to be accommodating (since you think you will be ruining her look). But trust me, this is probably way more stressful than any comments about shoes.

If she is the type of bride to want uniformity in dress/shoes, she likely wants uniformity on sides. If you drop out, will she need to find a replacement? You mention that your dress has not been altered yet for the sheer fabric. Why do you assume that she can find a replacement in your same size? Or, for that matter, that she wants a replacement. She asked you to be her bridesmaid. She wants you to be there by her side on her wedding day. She might not want to ask anyone else in your place. And at the root of it all, maybe she just feels like you’re trying to back out, is feeling like she is not as important to you as she thought, and that’s what’s really hurting her and not the stupid shoe argument.

I know both parties are hurt and confused right now over this misunderstanding. Be the bigger woman (because as a bride she is under a lot of stress right now) and give her an apology call. I know you’ve apologized before, but leave a message that is totally 100% clear: “I’m so sorry I said what I did. I will definitely wear whatever shoes you want, and I definitely do not want to back out. If you will let me, I want to be there by your side as a bridesmaid.” Good luck.

Post # 64
7571 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Kewii:  I tend to agree with you. If you really want someone to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man then shoes/dresses/hair/makeup etc houldn’t be an issue if they are uncomfortable in them. Would posters be saying to masculine lesbian (who dresses in mens clothing daily) that she should suck it up and wear a dress and high heels? Or a pregnant Bridesmaid or Best Man to wear a skin tight mini Bridesmaid or Best Man dress with 8 inch heels if she felt uncomfotable?

If my Bridesmaid or Best Man only felt comfortable in a pants/flats/stilettos/long sleeves/whatever then I would let her wear it because at the end of the day having her stand next to me is what would be important.

Post # 65
6580 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the PP covered what I wanted to say, but I think it’s a 50-50 fault here. I’m really glad that she was flexible with the dresses, as I can totally understand why you would be uncomfortable showing the scars.

Unfortunately, even though you meant no harm, an e-mail cannot express what you were trying to say. E-mails are very “to the point” and can’t express humour or emotion, so she immediately thought it to be offensive.

Give her a call and talk things out. Please don’t lose a valuable friendship over a misunderstanding.

Post # 66
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Agree to trying to accommodate you on the scar issue but no matter how many LOL’s are included, try not to say something is ugly or make a comment that could’ve been seen as not liking her taste. A gf of mine tried to nicely hint she didn’t like a certain dress I’m looking at & honestly it REALLY hurt. I had to wear a very expensive dress for her wedding & would have never said anything other than ok. Why? It’s her vision & taste. And it’s great. But we all have different taste.

Since its her affair just vent elsewhere & nod yes. I know. It’s annoying. 

I have heard of a house party. Is that what you meant about helping? 


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