Post # 1
Here is the deal, bees. My wedding was supposed to be this past summer and we had to change it to this coming summer (09). When we changed the date, instead of moving in with my Fiance (we didn’t want to live together until we were married), I moved in with one of my best friends, who I asked to be in the original wedding over a year and a half ago when we first got engaged. Now, like many friend-roommate situations, we are having D-R-A-M-A! It’s awful! At this point we could go either way (getting along fine or having a total fall-out). I’m really worried for what will happen if we have a big fall-out and I need to prevent that from happening! If we end up having a major problem, I don’t know what will happen with the wedding. I’m pretty sure no matter what I still have to have her in the wedding, right? Or is it a new wedding, new wedding party? Although then I’d have to change it majorly and they all bought their dresses! Ahh! Any thoughts?
PS- A word of advice- Don’t live with one of your bridesmaids unless you already know you are good living partners!!!
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
I’d probably have a heart to heart with her and ask her what she wants. Perhaps she doesnt want to be a part of your wedding party anymore… in which case you’re off the hook! But if she really wants to be a part of your WParty, she probably wants your friendship to survive and it might be the first step to reconcilliation… i realize it’s risky… asking HER what she wants to do (rather than just doing what you want) but if you can’t honestly make a decision in your own mind, perhaps it’s best for you both to sit down and decide what to do next.
However, if your heart says you just don’t want her in your party… and you’re really fighting… I’d probably be OK with letting her off the hook… and she will probably be OK with it too. Good luck! Please keep us updated with how it all goes!
Post # 4
It would be very hurtful to take her out of the wedding. That’s a deal breaker. I think penguin’s advice is best, see if she wants to salvage the relationship. Talking face to face is best, this is a delicate situation!
Post # 5
I think the key here is to focus on your friendship. It seems like you’re saying right now it could go either way, so maybe talk with her about the problems you are having and how you can become better living partners in order to have a better friendship.
And I agree with MightySapphire, telling someone they are no longer in your wedding is a big deal, and possibly the end of a friendship. After the wedding – you will be living with your husband, and you and she can go back to being friends who aren’t roommates. If it’s just living together that is causing the tension, that will be over post-wedding, and you may still want your friend.
Post # 6
Living with friends can be so great, or it can turn out like your situation. I think we’ve all been there before. I think you should talk to your friend and see if you guys can come up with a solution to whatever the problem is that’s causing the drama. Maybe set up a rule too that if something is bugging one of you that the other is doing, tell the other person so they know any can work on it, don’t hold it all in until you explode.
If that doesn’t work, I would consider moving out. You don’t want to ruin your friendship over stupid things. Sometimes friends just can’t live together. And if you want to keep her as a friend then it may be the only solution.
That being said, I don’t think you should un-invite her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in the wedding if she still wants to be a part of it. You’re going through a slump right now in your friendship and will most likely get over it at some point. Has she already bought the dress/shoes/set up appts for hair/make-up? it may be harder to un-invite someone if they have already done these things.
Good luck working things out with your friend.
Post # 7
Try, try try, to reconcile with your friend. If you can work it out without moving out that would be great. She might take moving out as a sign of you dumping the friendship. But if moving out is the only way, try to make sure she knows you aren’t doing it to simply distance yourself. That you are doing it because keeping her friendship is that important to you.
I bet what you really want is to get bak to right with her and have her in the wedding. Trust me I know, if you don’t have her in your wedding because of a fight, that will stick with you for a long time.
Post # 8
I think that generally, unless your friend does something AWFUL you should keep her in the wedding 🙂
Post # 9
Thanks for the advice, ladies. The story is complicated and doesn’t really have to do with like, not sharing household duties or anything. She wasn’t honest with me about some things and I’m pretty upset about the way she handled a recent situation. (she didn’t have sex with my Fiance or anything, but still handled something badly!).
I also am questioning whether she really wants to be in the wedding. I have asked her so many times to try on her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress bc I want to see what it looks like on someone besides me (I tried on my other friends whose was shipped to me b/c she was in the process of moving). She won’t try it on and avoids the issue. She also complains a lot about how our other friends wedding is now the wknd before mine and how much it will suck to have back to back weddings. I told her she didn’t have to be in mine since we changed the date from last august to this august, and this august could be different for her, but she said it was fine.
I know I should talk to her about it but every time I bring anything up she says "no, it’s fine!"- everything is always fine. I just hate the thought of having someone in my wedding that is likely trash talking me all the way to the altar!
Post # 10
If you are unsure of having her in your wedding, there is nothing wrong with having a nice serious chat with her about it. And after that chat, go with your gut. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind about the bridal party. It may be a difficult conversation for you to have, but your peace of mind will make it all worth it!
Post # 11
wow… i’m so sorry you’re going through this! i personally know how seriously crappy this kind of situation this is. i’m so much in a similar boat… unfortunately, my Bridesmaid or Best Man has decided to not only bow out of my wedding, but to also bow out of our friendship.
my advice and 2 cents… have a real heart to heart talk with your friend. but remember… it’s YOUR wedding and it should be however you and your fiance want it to be! i lost sight of that because i really wanted my BMs to feel as excited as i was… what a mistake. and also, make sure you’re not going into the heart to heart talk angry. if you go into it with one inch of anger, you’ll seriously end up saying things that you’ll look back and toss and turn over.
i wish you the very best of luck with this. if you need an ear to listen, don’t hesitate to message me! *hugs*
Post # 12
I really feel for you! Just talk to her, and if you do have a falling out, then so be it. If what she did was really that bad, then maybe you should cut ties anyway. There’s no sense in you walking on eggshells till your wedding day and having this stress in your life. Planning a wedding is stressful enough!!!