Post # 1
Okay so my oldest cousin is my Maid/Matron of Honor. She is one of my closest friends. She was with me when I met the Fiance and was there the afternoon when he proposed last year. So of course I want her with me on this next milestone of ours.
Well when we went shopping for Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses back in September she didn’t want to go but did. She tried on dresses and didn’t even come out of the changing room to show her’s. I understood because she is uncomfortable about her weight. But she always looks good so I wasn’t worried about what her dress looked like.
She got pregnant (unplanned) in January. So last month she was complaining that her dress probably won’t fit come April. To not put her in the program. I told her not to worry that we would just have to wait and see. She said she was more worried about her boobs falling out the top. So I made some suggestions and said don’t worry you’ll have to wait to see how fast you change.
I have 2 showers coming up next weekend and she told me last week that she was only going to come to 1 because two is way too much for her to do now that she is pregnant. And my step-mom would be at one of them and she doesn’t like her. I told her that I understood. In fact I sent an email to all the BMs and told them not to feel obligated to make it to both showers. I’d be happy if I had a few of them at each.
She then tells me that she is only going to stay for the ceremony and pictures that it is such a long drive home that she would need to leave early. And since she can’t drink, then it won’t be as much fun for her to stay and dance. Now don’t get me wrong, but I think that’s just silly/rude. We have family coming in town that we see a few times a year. She doesn’t want to hang out with them?
Yesterday I met her for lunch. She had a doctor’s appointment that morning. Her placenta has dropped and she is having to go to a specialst to see what they want her to do. She then tells me not to put her name in the program because more then likely she will be placed on bedrest and can’t make the wedding.
I’m trying to be nice and understanding. But it just seems like to me that she is trying to find any excuse to not be at the wedding at all. I want the baby to be okay but I think she already had it in her head pre-pregnancy that she didn’t want to be apart of the wedding.
What do I say to her? Wedding is in 36 days.
Post # 3
That is a tough one! To be honest, she sounds like she is being a baby about it all! At 4 months pregant, with your first one especially, you usually aren’t even showing or had any big changes with any part of your body. It is scary that her placenta dropped, and I can understand while she would want to take it easy. If I were you, I would sit down and talk to her about it all. Tell her that you feel like she never has wanted to be apart of your wedding, and if that is the case, to just be honest and tell you. If she truelly does want to be apart of it, but is worried about the baby, then tell her that until they know anything more, she can stay apart and you will adjust accordingly when you get more info. Hope it all works out!!!!!
Post # 4
I think being on bed rest is a pretty good reason to drop out of the wedding! I think you are making assumptions about her motivations and should try to figure out what’s really going on. If she never wanted to be in the wedding in the first place, there has to be a reason for that. If you talk to her in a non-confrontational manner, maybe you could get down to the bottom of it. (“I completely understand if you can’t make it because you’ll be on bed rest, but I feel like there might be something else going on. It felt like you didn’t 100% want to be in the wedding since way before your pregnancy – is there another reason you didn’t want to share with me? I’d much rather know the whole story”)
Maybe she was actually thinking of getting pregnant this whole time and didn’t want to be in the wedding because of that? Or, what I think is most likely – the weight issues: if she wasn’t comfortable with you seeing her in the dress BEFORE she was pregnant, how could she be comfortable with all the wedding guests seeing her in it?
Post # 5
I think right now she is preoccupied with her unexpected pregnancy and probably going through a gamut of worries and emotions. Being a Bridesmaid or Best Man seems to be causing her stress, even before the unexpected pregnancy. I would let her make the decisions here – she knows that you want her to stand with you at the wedding, and you have reassured her multiple times. If it’s going to completely stress her out that’s not good for her or the baby, so I would just let her make her decision and go with it.
Sorry that you are going through this. 🙁
Post # 6
@girlwitharing- She hasn’t been placed on bed rest yet. And if they do put her on it then by all means yes, don’t come to the wedding. But to be asking me to take her off the program now without knowing is just jumping the gun here. And I know that she has some issues with being in the spot light. She has always made drama about this type of stuff, not coming to this family function or that because of this reason or that. But then when it comes to the actual event she is forced by family to come and she is the center/life of the party.
I just don’t know how to approach her with this. First she wanted to throw the shower, then didn’t then did then didn’t. So it isn’t just the actual wedding. I just don’t know how to help her.
Post # 7
I’ve never been pregnant myself, but I am an oldest sibling and I can remember my mom when she was pregnant with my 3 younger brothers and sisters and her emotions were all over the freakin place. If you cousin has self esteem issues (kind of sounded like it when you mentioned the dress thing) maybe the hormones from the pregnancy are just making her feel even more on edge. And while she hasn’t been put on bed rest yet, I think it was pretty cool of her to let you know in advance…However, I can see why you are irked b/c it seems like this is just another item in a long list of reasons why she can’t be in the wedding. It sounds like she has some concerns but just doesn’t have the courage to actually blurt out the words “I don’t feel comfortable being in your wedding” to you. I guess the only thing you can do is just be the bigger person and take the high road and let her bow out if she feels the need. I know it will hurt. My BFF of 20 years had to drop out of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. My wedding was in December and beings her Fiance will be deployed next December she chose to stay w/ him so they could be together this Christmas. Sucky yes, but totally understandable. Sometimes you just have to let things slide.
Post # 8
Why don’t you reserve decision making until they know if she’s got previa for sure. I can say (from some experience) that people can feel absolutely awful in the first couple of months of pregnancy. It sounds like this may be the case for your cousin.
I’m sorry that it feels like you are getting jerked around a little bit, but she’s probably on a crazy roller coaster right now too…
She may actually feel way more comfortable with things by the time your wedding rolls around, so open communication is going to be key in the next little while.