(Closed) BM’s bad boyfriend – need advice (long)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ah!  That’s rough stuff.  I actually really feel bad for M, she’s in an awful situation.  That being said, I do think you should talk to her about your concerns.  You have every right to worry about his conduct at your wedding.  She should know how you feel, and hopefully she responds with understanding.  Its one thing to support her decision to stay with him, but to expect you to have what would basically be blind faith in him not to act up at your wedding, is entirely different.  I wouldn’t risk it.  But make sure your friend knows that you’re there for her.  Also, maybe seek some info on support groups for her in your area. 

Post # 4
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I sort of dealt with this, but instead of a friend’s loser boyfriend (and this guy does sound like a loser) it’s my FI’s sisters.

I decided to talk to him about it, our wedding is in a small town, and while I abhor drug use anyway, it would be bad for my parents if their guests in this tiny town got caught with drugs.

Fiance said he would handle it, that I wouldn’t worry, and that if any of them brought anything, he would have no problem removing them from the property himself.  And that’s the most assurance I can get.

While I agree you should be there for your friend, I don’t think you have to support her relationship.  You can support her without supporting what she’s doing, and although that may hurt her feelings, it shows how seriously you feel about this.  Sort of an “I love you, but I don’t love what you’re doing”.  And I agree about support materials, leaving a bad situation can be so overwhelming, just because you don’t know what to do first, so maybe try to point her in the right direction?

Post # 5
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

How far away is your wedding?

If it’s 4+ months, there’s always the chance that your friend will wise-up before then and kick him out/move out. If your wedding is quickly approaching, then I’d address the issue. Maybe tell your friend that he’s not welcome if he’s still doing drugs or something?

Post # 7
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Wow! I am so sorry you are in this situation. I do not know what I would do. I personally am known for being very honest. I had a situation where I hated my friends long term boyfriend. He use to be so horrible to her. I straight out did not want her to invite him and nicely talked to her about it. She understood and was not offended. She also knew I was already having problems with the guest list. She also knows how I am. It depends on how your friend would react to you if you should say something or just suck it up.   GOOD LUCK!

Post # 8
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Ahh so sorry for your friend! You’re being very empathetic to her situation, and non judgemental, kudos to you.

I would wait a bit to see if she leaves or not. If she stays with him, and you do not want him at your wedding, I would speak to her.

I know you don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her you don’t like her SO, but from what I hear, this is not the case. You like the guy, but not his actions of the last while. Even if you would have liked to have him at your wedding, you are not willing to have him under the influence of drugs, which right now, have the best of him. If he is willing to put drugs before his girlfriend, why would he not put them before being his best self at your wedding? Tell her you want the best for her and for him, but that you can not spend your wedding day worrying about him and his substance abuse.

Good luck

Post # 9
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow! First off, I think you’re being a wonderful friend for supporting her decision. I’ve learned early on that no matter how much you tell a friend that she is making a mistake and her knowing that he is bad for her, words can only do so much. She needs to truly realize how healthy or unhealthy her relationship is before she can really make a decision for herself.

If they are together in September, I would approach her and be open with her. Explain to her what an important event this is for you and your future husband and that you do not want any drama. Tell her directly but in a supportive way. She may be upset but in the end, your friendship should be strong enough that you can be open with one another.

Stay strong.

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