(Closed) BMs not wanting to adhere to specifics, is this the norm?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

It’s YOUR wedding, I told my Bridesmaid or Best Man what dress and what shoes to wear. I don’t care how they wear their hair, as long as they don’t have no crazy color in thier hair!  I just picked out the shoe and said this is what I decided on, if they can’t adhere to it, then they don’t need to be in the wedding.

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Quite honestly, all these little things seem like they matter when you are planning, but when the day comes, you’ll find you don’t care about them, because the only thing you  really care about is marrying your best friend.

Post # 5
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you might be being a little picky.  You can offer suggestions sure, but I think if you have sent them a lot of links then people are going to take you for a bride zilla.  So I would go easy on them and not worry about it.  I would worry more about things you can control then trying to dictate what others should wear.  Things like hair and shoes is whatever, if they said they wanted to severely alter the dress, wear 6 inch stripper stilettos or a 3 ft tall bright yellow mohawk or something like that I would be pissed.

Even then they would be the ones that looked like fools.  You would only look like a fool if you reacted badly to the situation.

Here’s another thread where someone is talking about being outshined by hair: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/who-decides-how-the-bridesmaids-will-wear-their-hair

Post # 6
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

If you want them to be identical, you have to tell them straight out. You can’t say “well, I’m thinking silver sandals…” or “I’m thinking of buns…” & expect them to think you want them to all wear the same shoes/hairstyle. You need to spell it out.

Post # 7
Member
8363 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@StuporDuck:  Agreed

Plus who actually notices the bridesmaids shoes unles they are unique?

IMO if you want a specific shoe and will not change your mind on it then you shoudl pay for it.

As for the bun I would probably work on the kid rather than the mother. On the day of the wedding point out to the child the other girls hair and how they are all the same etc etc- kids usually want what others have so it shouldn;t be too hard to get her to want her hair in a bun!

Post # 8
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’d say either tell them it’s important to you and be firm OR just let it go. Right now it seems like you’re riding the middle line – making small suggestions and then stressing over it in private. 

Post # 9
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@StuporDuck:  +1

 

OP, darling, I’m going to give it to you straight: the problem is not that you are being “overly particular”; the problem is that you are being passive-aggressive. And I’m willing to bet that you are probably not all that comfortable with being assertive or confrontational either (“My aunt and I decided…”–it should be YOU decided, even if auntie is acting as wedding coordinator). But this is your wedding and you have to start being comfortable with taking the reins–that doesn’t mean demanding, but it does mean figuring out what you want and then having the confidence to request it outright. You need to either tell your BMs/flower girls, straight up, what you want OR you can give them a rough guideline and then resolve to be okay with them choosing what they want within the guideline. And if that means some BMs in silver pumps and some in silver ballet flats and some in GRAY wedges–because “silver is ideal” is not the same as a straight-up “I’d like you to wear silver, please”–then so be it. But you cannot do both. You cannot give them a vague directive and then send them links and drop “hints.” That will irritate them, which is probably why you are getting chilly reception. 

I’m saying this so that you can apply this for posterity with other matters of your wedding. With these two specific issues, it’s probably too late to have given them the freedom and then come back and say, “on second thought, I really mean these strappy silver sandals from Kate Spade, and here’s the link” or whatever. But the silver lining (ha!) is as JulesSchnooks said: these details seem to matter a lot now; you probably won’t even remember them on the big day anyway. So pick your battles.

Post # 10
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m all for giving guidelines on what you what them in, saying silver shoes is fine, telling them they have to purchase these specific shoes is bridezilla territory, and you should pay for the shoes if you want something uniform and specific. As for the hair, requesting some sort of updo is fine, requesting a specific style is not. Guidelines are ok, demands are not, these are not your own personal slaves to be ordered around, they are family and close friends that you want to continue to have a relationship after the wedding is done. The only thing you should get full say in is the dresses and their bouquets, anything else should be left to their discretion.

Post # 12
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly I think your over planning. What matters is the environment you create and that def includes a happy bridal party. Truthfully these things seem like big things but really won’t be noticed on the day. Let them be comfortable with the way they look. By the way buns on little girls would drive them nuts!

Post # 13
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I guess I’m slightly a bridezilla….lol. I gave my Bridesmaid or Best Man three options for shoes and told them they could pick for the three shoes, they don’t have to be all alike, but one of the three shoes. I think if they don’t want to wear what YOU pick out then they can say, hey I don’t want to be in the wedding and that would have been fine with me. I wouldn’t have gotten upset, I just think it’s your wedding and you do what you want. I agree that you shouldn’t tell them to pick out a shoe and then say oh, this what I want you to wear.

Post # 15
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I was in a wedding last weekend and I couldn’t even begin to tell you what shoes the other bridesmaids were wearing, just saying.

Post # 16
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Leemarie:  Yay! I’m glad you didn’t let this upset you too much.  Thank goodness for the bee, for venting and getting an outside perspective!  

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