BMs upset about dresses

posted 4 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
999 posts
Busy bee

Is it customary in Asian weddings for the bride to pay for bridesmaid dresses? Maybe they didn’t expect to pay if traditionally you would have footed the bill? I understand you were having a more American style wedding, but maybe culturally they expected you to pay, especially if they were tight on money? 

Post # 4
319 posts
Helper bee

Why do they think they can’t wear the dress again? Most people in India wear western clothes much of the time. Surely they will eventually have an occasion for it?

Post # 5
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

In hindsight you should have consulted with them and come up with an acceptable budget before choosing a $150 dress they will likely never wear again. I’ll also add that what they choose to do with their money apart from your wedding is seriously none of your business. If people tried to judge my life based on social media vacation posts they might think I was wealthy and able to travel at the drop of a dime. Reality is it takes months to save up enough for the type of travel we prefer and thats a choice we gladly make bc its worth it. A $150 dress I knew I would never wear again would not have been a choice I made for myself.

In further hindsight the bridesmaids could also have let you know they weren’t comfortable with the amount at the time. Although based on the tone of your post I’m thinking they may not have been comfortable bringing it up.

All the rest of the stuff you paid for was completely up to you.

Post # 6
13458 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Did you ever ask them a specific budget of what they would be comfortabe paying for the dress?  How they spend their money on other things is no concern of yours, and has no bearing on the situation.  They clearly were unhappy with what you expected them to pay.  Unless you had a frank conversation with them about budgets, you don’t really have a leg to stand on in my book.

Further, if your wedding was 5 months ago, it’s time to just let this go.  If they bring it up again, apologize for the situation and try to just change the subject because there’s no way to go back and change things thar are already done. 

Post # 8
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

 glutton :  I’m sorry! Did you have a traditional Indian wedding then?

I’m asian and it always irks me when people choose to go with whatever the cheaper culture will be. they are American, so bridesmaids buy dresses, pay for the shower, bachelorette…. suddenly they are Chinese and they want red envelopes (money).

I’m not saying that’s what you did, and why I ask how traditional was your wedding. Did you talk about budget when you asked them to be your bridesmaids? If you told them, “I’m going to have a traditional Indian wedding” they may have thought you would be paying, if that’s the Indian way.

Post # 9
2412 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I mean I personally think you shouldn’t accept a position such as a bridesmaid if you don’t know the expectations. Some people harp over the importance and “rank” they have in someone’s life when it comes to weddings but don’t want to pay the associated costs.  My best friend is getting married in June and I’m  a bridesmaid and knew I’d be paying for my dress and stuff and I’m totally okay with it. I told her I’m not willing to pay more than 200 for a dress and she agreed that she wouldn’t want any of us to either. So I think the onus is on your bridesmaids for agreeing and not having a clear understanding beforehand. 

Post # 12
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek

glutton : 😊 Understandable. I didn’t mean I would refuse to pay for the dress if that was the agreed budget and expectation for the wedding. I meant it wouldn’t be a choice I would ever make for myself so comparing it to something I actually want and choose to do like travel doesn’t really work thats all.

In any case its done now. If it was that big of a financial issue they should have made it clear or requested to not be involved in the wedding party if necessary. Its been months so I think its time for everyone to let it go.

Post # 14
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

ladyscorpion :  I agree w/this statement.  I was Bridesmaid or Best Man at a wedding and the bride picked out a super hideous dress, kinda pricey.  I was super unhappy w/the dress, but went w/it not to ruin her day.  The dress ended up going to the donation bin.  As someone who herself doesn’t buy expensive dresses, I was not happy spending money on a dress I didn’t even plan wearing anywhere else.  If the Bridesmaid or Best Man are paying for the dress, I’d respect their budget and style.

Post # 15
815 posts
Busy bee

Maybe part of the issue is that bridesmaid’s aren’t a thing in Southasian culture. So even though here in America it’s normal to be expected to pay for the dress, I wouldn’t be happy doing so (for a southasian wedding) since it’s not a part of our wedding traditions and is being done more for fun than the symbolic reason of having people stand up for you as neither a Hindu nor Muslim ceremony involves vows. The bridesmaids are ultimately just photo props on southasian weddings.

I have been a bridesmaid in a south Asian wedding and the bride got us all matching outfits for the Mayoun and that was it. We didn’t have to coordinate any other day nor were we expected to pay for anything. I feel like that worked well because mayoun outfits are cheaper so she could afford to pay and it’s normal for the brides closest friends and cousins to coordinate on the smaller events rather than the wedding itself. And in the end it was all just a fun photoshoot of all the bride’s friends. Nothing more than that.

I think your bridesmaids just didn’t realize what being a bridesmaid encompasses and honestly, no one like paying for a dress they don’t like. $150 is still a lot of money. But they agreed to buy a dress so they shouldn’t be complaining now. 

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