- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I have major body image issues and I believe that it is really starting to be the main reason I cannot find a wedding dress. Let me start from the beginning….
I was a normal weight kid until my parents divorced and I had to move to the other side of town. Over the summer between the end of 3rd grade and the beginning of 4th I ballooned up to about 125lbs. That is huge for kid under 10 years old. I pretty much at my feelings which is not unusual for a kid who had their entire life turned around.
I continued to gain weight and when I graduated high school I was 250lbs and 5’6 feet tall. I was fat. There is no other word for it. I was fat. I stayed inside most days, exercising was a joke, I sat and watched alot of TV and constantly ate food. Not junk food, that was never in our house, but lots of carbs, cereal, cheese, breads, etc… I was wearing mens jeans, they were the only ones that would fit, XL shirts, and my prom dress was a size 24.
Then I went to college. Most people gain the “freshman 15lbs” their first year. I lost weight and alot of it…around 50lbs. I did not do it on purpose or in a specifically healthy way. I just did not eat as much. I went to school in Iowa, and the summers were hot and the winters were cold, and the fridge in the dorm was small so there was never a bunch of food to just snack on and if I wanted more I had to either brave the freezing cold and the humid hot, and I decided that I really did not need ot munch all the time.
I went to some formals for my sorority that year and I was in dresses that were size 14 and even 12. I had to buy a whole new waredrobe my after my freshman year because literally nothing fit me anymore.
I kept dropping weight and got down to about 175lbs and I was good. I got lazy and moved into a house and got back up to 200lbs and I was not happy. I started to watch what I ate and that helped. I got back down to about 180lbs.
I began to work out and now I am 153lbs and a size 8 in most pants and a 4 or 6 in dresses. I eat healthy and run alot. I normally run about 3 miles 3 times a week. I am not in great shape and I have a lot of lose skin and flab, but it is so tough to get rid of.
However, even though I am so much smaller than I was 11 years ago, I still look in the mirror and see a fat girl. I see how big my hips are and my thighs are huge and I just hate it. My arms are flabby and gross as well. My stomach has a bunch of lose skin (about 2 inches) and it just sucks.
I have been trying on dresses that cover and hide my hips and thighs becuase I just focus on that area so much, but I have not found a dress that I like. I want more of a fitted one because I kinda like my curves and I really don’t want to hide them under a big ballgown dress (I have never really liked ballgown dresses on me, even for formals or proms). I am constatly looking at how my hips and thighs look in dresses and it just makes me sad.
I am curvy, I get that (I might not like it, but I do understand that is just my body type) but I just don’t know what to do about it. I am hoping with more working out and even more watching what I eat (I know I need to up my protein) that I will look a little better in my dress (whenever I find it).
I just wish I had a really good body image, that would help alot. I am also scared stupid of being lifted up in a chair for the hora (traditional Jewish wedding thing) and the boys not being able to support me. I know this is silly becuase my fiance has a good 20lbs on me and I know they will be able to life him with no problem. I love it when logic is completely taken over by fears 🙁
Is anyone else struggling with this? The bad body image thing? If so, how are you dealing with it?