(Closed) Bomb has been dropped

posted 5 years ago in Wellness
Post # 3
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My dad quit drinking well after I was grown, and it completely changed him as a person.

Kudos to your brother for admitting this right now.  I hope that your family gets through this difficult time — there will be a day where it is much, much better.

Post # 5
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@heyyo:  Yeah sometimes people hide some weird stuff… I mean I don’t think anyone is like “yeah, I am proud to be an addict.”

I think it takes an incredible amount of strength to admit something like that, and he must love you so much to come to you.  All you can do is be supportive… it is a very long journey, but so worthwhile!

Post # 6
Member
945 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Oh sweetie, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have much experience with this so I can’t weigh in much.  On the bright side, your brother has admitted to needing help – its a great step in the right direction. Hang in there. *hugs!*

Post # 7
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

All I can I say is, the worst is over. Now, you know what you are dealing with, there are no more secrets and your family is working together. I truly believe you will all come stronger and healthier at the other end.

Post # 8
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your poor mom and brother.  Your mom probably thinks your brother got his tendencies from her, and she may be right.  I know that addiction stuff can be genetic.   I would jsut try to support your brother and let your mom know that you are so impressed by her braveness and dont think any less of her.  Good luck to you

Post # 9
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s amazing and super, super good news that he came to this realization himself and is seeking treatment. I think it’s also really important for your parents and you, if possible, to seek counseling with a specialist in this area. I grew up with alcoholic parents, and it’s very much a family disease (ie it effects all of you, no matter who in the family has the issue). It’s really important that your mom understand how people get this disease, so she can stop blaming herself. It’s important for all of you to learn how to deal with him through treatment and to know how to put up appropriate emotional boundaries throughout the process. Are you lucky enough to have Kaiser Permanente insurance? They have a really great family support program.

Post # 10
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@heyyo:  I’m so sorry to hear your story. My older brother was in and out of jail and prison from when I was in middle school due to drug and alcohol addiction. Always short stints. Each time he came out he would say he was doing better and we would believe him, but the day always came when I would listen to my mom say, “well, your brother got arrested yesterday.”

 

I feel so bad for you and your family, because I’ve been through this. I can’t tell you how many times me mom would say through tears that it was her fault. The only times I’ve seen my dad cry is when he was talking to me about my brother. This went on for YEARS – about 15 to be exact. I always hear stories from people saying, ‘oh, yeah, my (brother/uncle/friend) was the same way, but they grew out of it’. I got sick of hearing it because it just wasn’t changing and I was tired of the emotional rollercoaster.

 

There’s a good end to this story, I promise 🙂

 

The last time my brother was in prison I would write to him all the time. I sent him money all the time. We talked about how when he got out he would come live with me and Fiance (pre engagement) and we would help him get a job and get his life together. Then one day he called me (from a cell phone that had been smuggled in – I swear I had just seen that on Locked Up) and told me he needed money (a decent amount) RIGHT THEN or he was going to be in big trouble, he was going to get beaten up. I flipped out. I told him that it wasn’t fair, I was tired of being used, the more I gave the more he took, now he was making me feel guilty for not being able to provide that amount of MY hard earned money on demand because of something stupid he did. I called my parents and told them (they ended up paying because they didn’t want him to get hurt). That was the first time I ever told my brother how I felt about his actions. Then I wrote him a letter telling him that he needed to get help. He needed to get professional help. Go to rehab. Stop hurting his family. He did. When he got out of prison he went to a 90-day program and once that was up he asked if he could stay another 90 days. After that he moved to a sober-living house. It’s been over 2 years now and he is a completely different person. He is happy, he is living life, he has so many great, supportive people around him who are in the same position as him. He has more friends than me!

 

I’m sorry this is so long, I just feel your pain and hope you know it can get better. One recommendation: look up a local Alanon meeting and sign your family up for it. It’s a support group for families of alcoholics. If your whole family can go to counseling together – including your brother – that would be very helpful as well.

 

Also, it’s not a short or easy process. Be proud of your brother for asking for help.

 

Hugs!! If you ever want to message me, do so! Again, sorry this is so long!

Post # 11
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

first of all, huge hug to you – what a crazy past few days!

my brother had a serious deteriorating mental health situation that necessitated him taking a leave from university. MANY advised against it (said he’d never go back/lose social group/would be aimless etc) but it was the best thing he did for himself. it gave him time to focus on what was important – his health and happiness – and make conscious decisions for his future instead of waywardly trying to ‘keep up’.

so – if your brother needs to leave university, let him. and if he needs to call you, answer – though you sound like a pretty great catch of a sister 🙂

the day shit hit the fan with my brother i was out partying for a friend’s birthday. he showed up at my apartment crying telling my roommate he needed me. i didn’t know until the next day and lost it completely – this was my big brother who knows EVERYTHING. it took me a long time to forgive myself for not being there – but he never blamed me. sorry this is longwinded, what i am trying to say is that there is no way he blames your mother, or you or anyone and he is probably incredibly grateful to have you in his life.

Post # 12
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Look for al Al-Anon or similar group in your area. It is support for the families of the addicts, almost always a free and anonymous group, most cities have meetings every day in one location or another (although you do not have to go daily). Your brother needs help to make his recovery and you need help in learning to help him. Don’t try to go this alone!

Post # 13
Hostess
11166 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

As a child of an alcoholic /drug addict I understand the numbness, believe me. All I can say is be there for your brother as best you can and support his path to recovery but do not enable him. You may have to learn the very definition of tough love during this process and while it is hard it is what you have to do to protect yourself.

I am so happy that he has admitted he has a problem, step #1. If you find yourself struggling with all of this I strongly recommend attending an Al-Anon meeting (it is for family members of addicts). They can offer a world of information and support that you and your family may need before this is all over.

I wish you and your family the best of luck with everything.

Post # 14
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@heyyo:  I don’t have any advice or personal stories to offer you. But I can offer my most sincere apologies that you have to go through this. I hope it gets better soon.

Post # 15
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

no judgement, just support.

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