Post # 1
My future fiancé and I are doing things about as ass-backwards as can be:
We’re picking the ring together and have an appointment later this week to do so (but wouldn’t have the ring until March (custom setting))…This got us talking about what kind of wedding we wanted and we realized that we couldn’t have an educated conversation about it without having a ballpark size…So then we made a rough guest list and realized how large it would be (about 400 guests — and yes, I swear, that’s a cut-down list)…which led us to doing some light researching to see what options are even available around us for something that big…Then we found it, the perfect venue. It’s in our budget and it meets (or we can meet with add-ons within budget) everything on our list.
We were thinking late September or October of 2020 but found out we would run into conflicts as one of my BM’s is getting married then, and another distant friend is getting married then too (we wouldn’t be invited, but some of my BM’s will be and would then have to choose). And then we found out they still have a couple of options for THIS September/October! Our photographer (who happens to be one of our close friends) is available, we know our immediate family’s schedules and they’re available, and we know we don’t have any major conflicts with our bridal parties.
Everything is just falling into place. We’ve been together a long time so we’re not worried about anything there. But knowing he won’t have the ring until late March and we’d have to send the save-the-dates by then…and I think it’d be weird for him to basically have to drop to one knee the day he gets the ring then send out save-the-dates the next? We’d rather that piece not feel so forced or rushed and just go with it…which means telling people before there’s a ring on my finger. Any recommendations on how to tell/explain this to our family + close friends, who we’d want to absolutely be there and therefore need to tell ASAP? How would you react if your family member/close friend told you to save a date before they were officially engaged?
Post # 2
Would you consider getting engaged without the ring?
Post # 3
As a follow-up, although it’s absolutely not our goal and literally every one of those 400 people is part of our core family (parents, siblings, aunts/uncles/cousins) or friends that we see/talk to often…I also realize it could have the added benefit of a slightly higher decline rate being sooner. Not the end of the world for something our size.
Post # 4
I would! This is where I philosophically get lost because… If we have a venue/date, are we actually, technically
engaged anyway? 😂 To me the ring is an added extra. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely particular about what it looks like (hence why we’re shopping together) but I don’t feel like I need it to be engaged. That said, I know my boyfriend does want the whole process of getting down on one knee and professing his undying love for me 😉. In all the ways we’re not traditional, this one, he wants to do.
He was even thinking of randomly surprising me with it sometime between when he gets it and our wedding date if we book it…I just don’t even know how we’d explain this to family in a way that anyone would get haha.
Post # 5
- Wedding: December 2019 - City, State
Yeah, this is where I land too. I’m biased, because I feel that you don’t need the ring to be engaged and I know opinions differ on that, but if you’re committed enough that you’re about to book a venue, I think you’re committed enough to call yourself engaged and go ahead and announce! 🙂
Post # 6
If you tell people your date, you are effectively announcing your engagement, and if you don’t want to do that before your BF proposes, then you need to wait. Because people won’t get excited twice for the same information, you know?
Is your wedding a destination wedding or will take a lot of planning for all or most of your guests? If not, I would have the propsal as planned with the ring and all that jazz in March, tell people the date ASAP (email is good for this! or use word of mouth), and then send out your formal invites 4 months before the wedding (instead of the usual 2-3 month lead time)
Post # 7
Thanks! I agree, I definitely don’t need the ring right now. In passing we even said he’d just randomly surprise me with it sometime between when he gets it and the wedding…we are just struggling with how we would go about explaining any of it to our family + close friends in a succint way they’ll understand.
“Hey, we found the perfect venue at the perfect time so we’re engaged now and oh by the way save the date for X, ring forthcoming so don’t ask about the proposal?!” 😂
Post # 8
This is more or less what my fiancé and I did. Decided to get married, picked a venue, booked it, got a ring and got engaged a few months later when it was ready.
Somebody will judge no matter what you do, so do what makes sense to you.
He can buy a cheap cubic ring and propose while y’all wait for your permanent ring. Then announce it and get busy planning.
Or no fake ring.. but I felt better wedding planning and talking to vendors with something on my finger.
Post # 9
It will be local (within an hour of all guests except out-of-town family) and I’m not worried about being able to plan in a short time. Even if we don’t tell all the guests right away, we’d definitely want probably a core 50 to know ASAP as we would absolutely want to give them ample notice (our prospective bridal parties and close friends, cousins we’re really, really tight with, etc.). Neither of us are on Facebook right now and if we were, I don’t think we’d announce it on there or anything ltoo public, regardless.
Post # 10
Nice to meet a fellow bee who went through the same thing! Thanks for your advice, this makes sense. How did you tell your family that you booked a venue without the engagement? I haven’t actually thought about if I’d want a ring on my ringer when talking to vendors, but I’ve got a topaz ring that will fit on my ring finger so maybe I’ll just rock that for now :).
Post # 11
My husband and I booked the venue before we were engaged. He proposed that next weekend, but still it’s awkward and I don’t recommend telling anyone unless you’re officially engaged and ready to announce that. It feels weird, people don’t understand, some will question if you’re delusional and if he’s actually going to propose, and yes, while we shouldn’t let other people’s opinions dictate our lives, it was annoying.
My recommendation is to choose 1 of 2 possibilities:
1. Book the venue and don’t tell anyone yet. When he proposes in March, announce your engagement, then send your save the dates in April (or even later this year). Save the dates are usually only sent 1 year in advance. September/October 2020 is a while away and you should be fine. If someone in your immediate family starts talking a vacation on that day, then tell them as a necessity, but it’s not likely. It’s rare, very rare, for people to plan 1 1/2 years in advance, unless they’re getting married.
2. Announce your engagement sans ring. I also have personal experience with this, and it also has its drawbacks. My ring was not ready, but my now-husband had a plan, and had already missed an opportunity he’d wanted to propose. So he proposed with a stand in, that I then had to send back to wait for another week for my ring to come in. All anyone wanted to do was see the ring and it got old fast. I only waited a little over a week; you’d be waiting months.
I’d go with option 1. You don’t need to send out save the dates over a year in advance.
Post # 12
Thanks! We’d actually be getting married this October 2019. We wanted to do 2020 but will have multiple conflicts with a close friend (including her own wedding) who I’d really like to be in mine, and vice versa. It turns out the two dates available for this
October (and one in Sept) work with our core crew and family. We haven’t asked them, we just know there are no major events or weddings in our extended group then.
We’ll likely end up doing #2 we’re just struggling with how to succintly explain this to the people who need to know right away about the date. I’m definitely worried about having to constantly combat the “where’s the ring” question hahaha but with everything else failling into place I think we’re going to go for it…just a matter of figuring out how to tell everyone.
Post # 13
If it’s the perfect venue and wedding date for you, I would jump on it and not let the logistics of telling people you’re engaged/not having a ring stop you.
You could have him propose with a stand in ring. Or just announce that you’re engaged, but you’re still waiting for the custom made ring (you can wear a stand in if you’d like, of course). He can still do a proposal with the actual ring when it comes in, but I’d say once you book the venue you’re engaged whether there’s a proposal or not. But I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing an official proposal after you’re already engaged (for instance, I’ve heard of couples where one person proposes and the other person proposes back at a later date). There’s also nothing wrong with forgoing the proposal entirely.
After you’ve sorted that out, just tell everyone the truth. You’re engaged, but you’re waiting on the actual engagement ring to come in because it’s being custom made. If they ask why you got engaged before the engagement ring came in, just tell them that you found the perfect venue that had an opening this year, and you had to jump on it so couldn’t wait for the ring. I don’t see people having an issue with that.
Post # 14
If you’ve decided on a venue and a date you’re already engaged as far as I’m concerned. And it is possible to be engaged without a ring ; I was, and we picked the ring out the following week. So far as “surprising” you with the ring you’ve already designed, that would all be for show and I don’t see the point – or the “surprise”.
Post # 15
I mean assuming most couples talk about marriage before they get engaged, it wouldn’t be surprising for a couple to plan the wedding when they’re talking about getting engaged – especially if the ring timeline is just because of the jeweler. I don’t think it would be weird. If you guys are comfortable with it, then do it. I can see how maybe you would’ve wanted to have a ring and a big moment with your family to announce your engagement. I think either way would work.