Bored in marriage?

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
8389 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You’ve been debating divorce for 3 years. It doesnt sound like YOU are even that invested.

Post # 3
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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daisy8812 :  Yeah… this sounds like a really unfair position for the poor guy. 

Post # 4
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee

Marriage sure has it’s ups downs and sideways doesn’t it?  Hey gal, I’ve been married for 22 years now.  Is there boredom, sure there is.  One thing that helps, is we did both have the same dream, in our case, being homesteaders (being as self-sufficient as we can and debt free).  For us this included dairy animals, HUGE gardens (like, 5,000 square feet plus gardens and we did all the work), chickens, etc.  Lots of work, and lots of fun and lots of reward and it never gets old. 

We got old though (I turned 60 just recently.  Whoever said “60 is the new 40” was obviously 40.) 

So we look at that now as, ok, we’re heading into older age, wow, how did THAT happen?  We love the time with our grandchild.  We love just watching tv on a Saturday, we do big country breakfasts Sat and Sun.  We have our “us” things. 

But it does get a bit boring – esp. for him as I have a health issue that pretty much keeps me homebound.  So going out somewhere, doesn’t happen anymore.  But he putters around, has his things he likes to do, and between that and (he works full time) keeping up the place, we are okay!

Sexual passion, not so much, bodies lose a lot of that when you’re our age.  But when we were younger, yeah, it was on more often than not.  But it got boring too.  I remember I told him one night I was bored, and I was going to give him a bj every night for 7 nights.  A simple thing, but what a fabulous reaction, a closeness, it was great.  Just try to keep things moving, going, sharing. 

Do your best with each other.

But I do feel, yeah, sometimes you’re just not that person’s person anymore.  You’re either someone’s Lobster or you’re not.  He’s my Lobster, but Bee, I went thru a LOT of seafood before I found him.

Don’t give up.

Post # 5
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

Dearest Bee, If you don’t mind me asking (and, hopefully, my question isn’t offenssive)- what’s your life like besides your married life? (e.g. work, family, friends, hobbies, etc.). I think many of us often make the mistake of assuming our partner should be the one who makes us happy instead of realizing that being happy is our own job. We need to work on being happy by ourselves in spite of who we’re with. I hope that makes sense. 

For example, my husband and I had very different lives when we met. We both worked in very different fields, came from very different backgrounds, and we don’t really have any hobbies we both enjoy. In spite of that, we love each other and are very happy together. I think, for me, the fact that he was so different from me was what attracted me to him. We live together so we get to experience a lot of things together, but the hobbies I have that he doesn’t share with me, I get to experience with my friends/family and I’m happy with that. In the end, I love him because of his heart/soul and not because of whether or not he enjoys the same shows I do, and etc. 

 

Post # 6
Member
3007 posts
Sugar bee

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is102017 :  Yes that’s a great question to ask! 

I am a firm believer that your husband should not be your everything. What I mean by that is that he shouldn’t replace other relationships in your life. You still need a girlfriend, parents, siblings, coworker relationships to keep you fulfilled. It’s unfair to expect someone to be all of these things. 

And from everything you wrote, to me it seems like you aren’t necesarily unhappy with him as much as with life in general. Are you satisfied in other areas of life? If you aren’t, I think it’s normal for that to cross into your personal and married life. 

Post # 7
Member
2927 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2006

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20sparklingyears :  This got me teary eyed! Marriages are hard, and sometimes boring, lol. And sometimes exhausting and sometimes they just plain SUCK. But I’ve been married for 12+ years and been through the fire and come out stronger on the other side! I hope to be 60 and feel the same way I do now 😊 

To the OP, I think sometimes we expect the fairy tale to never end and the grass is always greener. I say a lot of soul searching and self reflection would help. Is it really the marriage or something else? Can you find new things to do together that you both enjoy? Hubby loves to fish, I hate it. I don’t have many hobbies besides cooking/baking (it’s my heart light to feed people, lol) but we love to cuddle and watch our shows and hang out while he’s in the garage and I laugh at his horrible dance moves and gripe when he leaves his beard hair all over the bathroom sink. He thinks I’m moody and selfish and don’t know when to shut up, haha! But he loves me and is my rock and talks me down from the ledge when I’m being neurotic. It’s give and take, and yes sometimes boring. We still have a spark, but it’s different than those “just dating butterflies” because it turns into real life. That’s why so many people cheat! It’s new and exciting and they miss that. Sad, but oh so true. You just have to find ways to get it back. It’s a full time job, but leaving isn’t always the answer especially if it’s just because you’ve both become complacent. Abuse, cheating etc, that’s another story. But you said he loves you and he’s caring so why throw that away? 

Post # 9
Member
4329 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You cheated before you even married him. Obviously something was missing. 

I’m not bringing it up to say you’re bad. I’m bringing it up to say you obviously weren’t fulfilled by this relationship before you got married, and that has never changed. It’s clear you aren’t compatible, and you’re putting so much effort into fitting a square peg into a round hole…for what? You have felt this way for years, it’s not going away.

Stop wasting both of your lives.

Post # 10
Member
3940 posts
Honey bee

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daisy8812 :  you’ve been asking this question since before you got married.  It’s time to get divorced and let your H find someone who truly loves him.

Post # 11
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

i would be straight up with my husband ” like sometimes i wonder about our future because i feel the intimacy is gone. can we do something about it?” you should be able to ask your husband for anything. if you have to write it down in thec calendar about cuddling and taking turns spooning and even sex then do it. 

i cant see myself starting over and getting to know someone new. i love my husband and when things get icky and i remeber all the great things i want to do together and how awkward it would be to be without him. you have to spice things up, the relationship is always new. take a vacation fall in love again. but tell him what you expect ! men are dumb. tell him what you want

Post # 12
Member
535 posts
Busy bee

You married the poor dude after shagging someone else for a year.  Just ovary up already and file for divorce.

Post # 13
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I looked back on some of your earlier posts and I have to agree with pp – you should just get a divorce. You have been ambivalent about this relationship since day 1. You even said you had a horrible gut feeling throughout your engagement. Nothing is going to change at this point. It’s time to own your shit and do what you should have done years ago…free both yourself and your husband to live a more fulfilling life. Or you could just continue in this pattern of ambivalence for another 5 yrs and see where that gets you, but my guess is it will be right back on weddingbee asking what to do about a boring marriage.

Post # 14
Member
5133 posts
Bee Keeper

Bad things tend to happen when you marry someone while having an affair with someone else during your engagement. I’m surprised your marriage has lasted as long as it did.

Post # 15
Member
7760 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

The previous posts really put things in a different light. I’m of the opinion that if two people had love and passion and fun early in their marriage and there isn’t an issue with the three As (abuse, addiction, adultery), then being “bored” is NOT a reason to leave a marriage. Things don’t stay at full-watt passion continuously for decades, and it is normal for passion to ebb and flow and for life to get in the way sometimes.

However, if you weren’t sure before you married him, you had an affair on him before you married and you were NEVER happy with your sex life? Why did you marry him in the first place? All the red flags seemed to be there, flapping in the wind, but you chose to ignore them and intentionally make what you knew was a bad decision.

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