(Closed) Boss and Inappropriate comments. Not sure what to do anymore!!!

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

It started out as simple as how many guys I had “been” with before marrying my husband.

Ummm theres nothing ‘simple’ about that disgusting comment!! I would strongly advise you to go to HR immediatly, and let them know whats going on.

In my past experience working at a law firm, they took all employee complains very seriously because, being lawyers, they were always super afraid of being sued by employees and having to waste their billable hours representing themselves.

This guy sounds like the biggest creep! Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
2396 posts
Buzzing bee

You don’t need to worry about your job at all. Go to HR.

Your husband has no right to demand you quit a job because of another person’s behavior. That is victim blaming taken to the next level. Why should YOU leave a job that you enjoy and pays well because of a coworker’s inappropriate behavior?

Post # 6
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
beegoneanon115 :  Do you have an HR person that you could speak to about this? Thats really the go-to option I think. Please dont try to find a new job just becuase of this asshat. 

Post # 7
Member
7504 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You need to go to your HR department or talk to any manager/supervisor at the company. Even if they’re not your direct manager, they can help you. This is illegal and it’s so blatant. You don’t have to listen to that bullshit and you should not be made to feel like you need to find a new job. 

PS. No one has a right to touch you without your permission. If he touches you again, tell him politely to remove his hand. If he doesn’t, then punch him.

Post # 8
Member
475 posts
Helper bee

Lawyers are the worst.  I worked as a paralegal for a while just out of college, and had a lecherous partner that I had to work with some of the time.  You can try for humor…next time he says something appalling, you can say, “Wow, better not let HR hear you talking that way!”  That should be enough of a warning for him to back off, but if he doesn’t, then you go to HR.  Ideally, you should document when these things happen so you have a record, and make note if other people are around who might have heard what he has to say.  Other than that, you avoid him or meet with him only when someone else is around, like his admin or someone else. 

Post # 9
Member
1898 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
beegoneanon115 :  This is sexual harassment, and you need to report it to HR!!!! You should not have to find a new job because of a pig!

Post # 10
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would say something to the attorney when he makes those comments. Something along the lines of “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable with this discussion.” Then go to HR if he doesn’t stop.

If you want to keep your job there, give him the opportunity to stop by confronting him yourself. I know that this isn’t easy, but I think it’s the best way to handle it if you don’t want to leave. Going to HR will cause all kinds of awkwardness and will likely piss him off. If you give him the opportunity to remedy his comments first, and he doesn’t stop, that’s when I would go to HR.

And, I say the above coming from experience. I have had two extremely awkward situations. One right out of college. I was brand new to the company. This guy had known the owner of the company for 20 years and they were buddies. I sent him an e-mail and told him that I felt uncomfortable and that I wanted the relationship to remain focused only on work. He apologized and it stopped. The other was a client of mine that I sat on-site with (saw him every day). I had to navigate that one very carefully, as well, so waited for him to say something blatantly in writing (via messenger through the work computers) and told him that I was happily married and not interested. He was pretty damn embarassed and stopped right away. He actually asked me if I was going to go to HR with it and I told him no, as long as it stopped.

Good luck! I hate that men think it’s ok to put women in this type of situation at work. What a scum bag.

Post # 11
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I know it’s easier to sit on the other end of a computer screen than to be in the middle of the actual situation. So, here’s just my thoughts-your husband is going to be mad but not at you. If he asks you to quit it’s because he thinks you shouldn’t ever be put in that position again. But, I would let him know there are other steps to take before leaving. 

You do need to contact HR. If you don’t have someone trustworthy there, you should look up a local resource for someone to talk to. 

Also, from a girl to girl –while this shouldn’t happen to you, you need to also respond and stand up for yourself, too. This type of issue can drag on. And in the meantime, you need to plan ahead for things you will do or say. Or even if you need to go sit down and talk to this attorney one on one. You’re in the legal field. You all are aware how big a deal this could become.

Don’t laugh off comments anymore – say “That’s inappropriate and I’m not responding”, tell him “do not touch me”, and read him off the definition of sexual harassment from your employee handbook or an online resource. You could probably do it at a fairly low pressure level if you think this is a good guy otherwise – I’d confront him and say hey, this type of stuff makes me uncomfortable and as much as I enjoy working with you, I won’t put up with it.  I’m not interested in flirting with anyone or sexual conversations and will file a sexual harassment complaint if anything else comes up. 

It sounds like he’s flirting, trying to seduce you.  If he isn’t making threats about your job based on your responses, you may the opportunity to let him know you’ve had enough and still keep a positive work environment. It’s hard to say.

But you will have to be careful too – don’t joke about sex stuff, don’t use crude language, and don’t give him opportunity to say “oh she talks about dicks or sex all the time, I had no reason to know she’d be offended, etc. ”  You should NEVER have discussed an answer to his “how many guys have you been with thing”  but you did answer and now you need to do a bit of damage control because now he thinks this is okay conversation, you know. And don’t go on more walks with him-that is his excuse for “we’re not in the office so I can say what I want and we can have more personal time”.

my company has a zero tolerance policy, no vulgar jokes, no discussion of anything sexual at work, no bad language, etc. It’s great and there things that should protect you in your office, too. But people obviously break these rules a lot and you need to also enforce on a personal level that you aren’t okay with him making an exception for the rules when it comes to you. 

Post # 12
Member
2396 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
beegoneanon115 :  My point is you shouldn’t be pressured to feel AT ALL like you are responsible for “fixing” this situation, in any way. Period. You didn’t cause it, you shouldn’t be pressured to fix it by leaving. 

The amount of pressure you expect to receive from your husband is enough to make you want to hide this situation from him, and that’s worrying. He should be a source of support and solace, not jealousy and control. 

I’m not trying to bash your husband, I just think it’s problematic that he’s made you feel like you need to hide this from him out of fear of what his reaction could be…

Post # 13
Member
4500 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

THIS IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT. THIS BEHAVIOR IS INAPPROPRIATE AND UNACCEPTABLE!

Sorry to yell, but this makes my blood boil. This is not your problem; it is his. Go to HR immediately. Tell them everything you have told us. You are not the one who has to quit over this — HE will be dealt with. Not you.

Please, please, for your own sake and for the sake of other women, too, go to HR right away. 

Btw, I used to work at a law firm, too. If yours is anything like mine was, they will handle this very professionally and appropriately. 

Post # 14
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

you def need to report this to HR and be very careful around him. I think women should always trust their gut instinct. I feel like sometimes these sorts of things are a slow progression to where the person is gaging how far they can push things with you.

I once had a chiropractor who seemed nice enough and then over the years of me going to him he would sometimes hug me goodbye, then sometimes he would take my hand and kiss it and then one day he told me to look up a song and tell him what I thought of the lyrics and when I forgot to look up the song by my next visit he reminded me again. And then I looked it up and it was all about having sex and it was the final straw for me. I remember my face going bright red as I red the lyrics and promptly called and canceled my next appointment and never went back.

It’s too bad because he was a good doctor but there was something off I was picking up on and that final incident was enough to make me trust my gut and run for the hills.

Post # 15
Member
4227 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

Pardon my bluntness, but the thought of this guy makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit!

I had a boss like this before. I don’t want to go into all the details, but I cracked and quit after maybe six months…and part of the reason I dropped out of college was for that job! So it was a VERY hard decision to leave. It was a small business (he was the owner), so I had no HR department to go to, and no other bosses to really go to and complain. If you have these options for support, PLEASE use them! No sense in throwing away a good job over one pervert if you don’t have to.

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