Post # 1
Hi guys, I’m hoping you all can give me some advice on a situation that is likely to arise in my future. Apologies in advance for the frustrated/bitter tone if it comes out.
So my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years, and we have been discussing marriage for quite some time now. From what I gather he is planning to propose sometime before the end of summer.
Insert boyfriend’s brother (I’ll call him Todd) and his fiancée (I’ll call her Anne) – they are very recently engaged. I don’t have a great relationship with either of them, as they have made judgements about me and acted passive aggressively towards me in the past. First of all, I am annoyed because they rushed their engagement process when they got word of my Boyfriend or Best Friend preparing to propose (they couldn’t stand being beaten to the “finish line” in their minds).
I strongly believe that Todd & Anne are going to want to have their wedding/honeymoon early next summer, but that’s the timeframe the Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been hoping for all along because it will be right after we finish our grad programs. We are wanting an early summer wedding, and a lengthy honeymoon as neither of us have taken a long trip before.
I know that my Boyfriend or Best Friend is going to want Todd as his best man, but I genuinely don’t want to have to bend over backwards and change our plans to work around Todd and Anne’s schedule preferences (for example, cutting the honeymoon short to be here for their wedding), even though I know they will expect this out of the situation because they have to get their way in all things it seems. I understand that a lot of my worries are operating on what may be viewed as things that haven’t occurred, but I know how these people operate, and it’s always in their own favor.
Thanks for reading this lengthy post. I would appreciate your words of advice for if/when this happens!
Post # 2
You seem to be making a lot of assumption about why they intend to marry and got engaged when they did. I know it’s something you see and it’s your perception, but perception doesn’t always match reality.
Regardless, i would try not to let is get to you and continue planning the honeymoon and wedding you want, although if you are doing a multiple month honeymoon, I do feel you can take a weekend to go back home and celebrate their marriage. If your fi is close enough to his brother that you think he’d want to ask him to be in your wedding, your fi would probably like to see his brother married too.
Post # 3
Um. Aren’t you hoping everything works out “your way”? Isn’t that human nature?
You seem to think that this other couple should not have the wedding they want because it will interfere with your wedding… even though you aren’t engaged yet?
I highly doubt that this couple are choreographing their lives & every relationship move based on what you & your bf are doing or might do. The world doesn’t revolve around you.
Post # 4
I think you might be over-thinking it Bee. But I do believe you should make their wedding a priority when it’s announced – it’s their big day and you should be there.
I can weigh into this – my Future Sister-In-Law is a total cow and has been openly nasty to me in the past. She and her partner got engaged shortly after us, and chances are they’ll have their wedding just after ours as well. Much an all as I would rather skip her wedding altogether (as it’ll likely be a destination wedding 4000ks away from us), I acknowledge she’s going to be family and will suck it up for FI’s sake. But the timeline puts a huge ring of uncertainty around our own honeymoon, which we have been excited about for ages.
We decided: hold off planning honeymoon until they tell us the date, then fly for their wedding, and then on to our honeymoon in the pacific (rather than South East Asia) – as it’s cheaper from Australia east coast. Fiji is SO much nicer than bali anyway
So yeah. Just work around it. It’s easy enough.
Besides girl you don’t even have the ring yet so chill haha.
Post # 5
beachyoutoit32 : I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a long honeymoon. But you can cross this bridge when he proposes. When he does, tell them that the long trip is important to you and you want to plan so that it can happen.
Bear in mind, this might mean everything isn’t perfectly your way, as this is his brother and you need to support his relationship and presense at his brother’s wedding. But there will be a way to work it out if you put your heads together.
Post # 6
If you are so set on when your wedding & honeymoon need to happen, why are you waiting to get engaged? A lot of grief could be avoided if you move up the engagement and book the plans you want now. Otherwise, you don’t get dibs on a season or a date just because you have had it in your mind that you wanted it for a while. It’s sorta lame that your future BIL and SIL’s wedding might coincide with when you wanted to vacation, but they aren’t doing it to spite you and you should make the effort to be there.
Post # 7
beachyoutoit32 : What’s the story behind the constant use of “Boyfriend or Best Friend”?
Post # 8
sunnyland : Weddingbee seems to have added a feature where it automatically spells out abbreviations. But some like B F could stand for multiple things and it ends up kinda weird.
OP – sounds like if you turn the perspective around your future BIL and SIL could have written this post. After all, you want them to change their plans for you, no? And you’re not even engaged yet and they are, so you can’t complain that they’re setting a wedding date. Anyway, the dates might all work out for all you know so there’s no point worrying about it yet.
Post # 9
sunnyland : I think since Weddingbee started auto-converting abbreviations into longform, they’ve been making “BF” into “Boyfriend or Best Friend” because they don’t know which the person means: https://www.weddingbee.com/abbreviations/
Similar to how “std” capitalized now converts to “save the date cards” even when people are actually referring to sexually transmitted diseases, lol.
Post # 10
You aren’t even engaged yet lol. Slow your roll and cross that bridge when it happens.
Post # 11
You said in you’re post that you’re making assumptions and projecting. It happens. At least you’re aware of it. What I would do is work on that for yourself. Don’t assume. You really don’t know what the future holds (none of us do). Just plan your life and don’t worry about what they’re doing because it’s one day. Try to stop projecting and just worry about the ‘now’.
Good luck Bee!
Post # 12
” First of all, I am annoyed because they rushed their engagement process when they got word of my Boyfriend or Best Friend preparing to propose (they couldn’t stand being beaten to the “finish line” in their minds).”
That’s a pretty big assumption right there (and they’re the judgmental ones?) but I’ll move on.
So, your boyfriend’s brother and his fiance haven’t set a date yet, and you’re not even engaged, so I think it’s a little too early to stress over who “gets” the early summer date.
I think it’s somewhat presumptious to say, “hey brother, I’m not even engaged yet, and won’t be for another 2 months, but I plan to get married sometime in the early summer and take a long honeymoon, so maybe you should take May/June 2019 off the table if you want me involved. Maybe you better throw July in there too…I don’t want to have to rush back from my honeymoon. I’ll let you know around Sept when the exact dates will be so you can make your own plans. Hope that’s enough time to plan on your side. “
Honestly, why wouldn’t you just wait until they set a date, and then pick your own timeline based on that? If they haven’t set a date by the time you’re engaged, then you get to pick the date and they’re the jerks if they schedule their wedding when you’ve planned a vacation and expect you to cancel.
Post # 13
So your boyfriend’s brother got engaged first and you’re mad that they might have a date that doesn’t work perfectly for you, even though you’re not engaged?
Better yet, you’re referring to your future family as “these people?”
You say that you’re worried because of things that “may be viewed as things that haven’t occurred” – sorry, these things HAVEN’T occured. The only person that sounds to me as trying to get things to “always in their own favor” is you – chill out and wait until you’re engaged to start being bitter over other peoples’ happiness.
Post # 14
I’ve seen “DD” (dear daughter) convert to dirty delete 😂😂
Post # 15
I wouldn’t worry about any of this untiil you’re actually engaged. Until then, you don’t have anything solid.