(Closed) Bouandries in marriage

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

I think each couple has their own ideas about this, and it’s important that you figure it out and come to an agreement. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions that he’s hiding something from you, though. Maybe he just values privacy. It is strange to me that his mom had the info and you didn’t, though…

Darling Husband and I share everything. I have all his passwords, he has mine. If either of us want to “snoop,” it’s totally fine. We have a full transparency agreement. Of course, we rarely do. But, it’s convenient. His email is linked to our Flikr account. We have Prime on my Amazon account, and it goes on. Honestly, I understand why some couples combine everything. It gets really confusing like this. But, I will say, we’re always open and honest with each other. DH’s birthday is next week, and I have all sorts of surprises for him, so he knows my email and amazon are off limits until after hit birthday. No worries, just good communication.

Post # 4
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ambereyez:    Hmmmm.  I understand why you feel yucky.  If I were you I would ask him why he feels the way he does about not sharing passwords. 

He has a right not to, and it’s not wrong of him to want privacy. Then, again, in my case I could have all of my FI’s passwords, etc., and he could have mine, if we wanted to, because we’ve discussed it.  Neither of us has anything to hide from the other, we trust each other completely.  But neither of us snoops or ever has.  The thing that’s different from your situation is when I first asked my Fiance about this topic – boundaries in marriage, as you said – he was open and honest and completely agreed with me about it, that neither of us has secrets from the other.

It depends on your FI’s reason for not wanting to share his passwords with you.  It could be that perhaps in the past someone violated his privacy and used something innocent against him and he has a bad taste in his mouth.  It hopefully doesn’t have anything to do with you not being able to trust him.  If you both demonstrate consistent trust and respect in your relationship you should be able to bring this up again.  Talk to him calmly, find out his reason and respect his feelings.  He may have a valid reason that will be understandable to you.

I hope so. 

In the meantime, try not to feel too yucky.  I’m sure I would feel the same way but it could be just a personal peeve of his and nothing against you. 


Post # 5
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’d definitely ask him what that was about. 

Since we started dating I’ve had passwords to my husband’s voicemail, email, facebook, etc.  Not because I demand them, but they’re mostly the same, and he’s had me get stuff for him on occasion.  🙂  He has his email set up in outlook on the laptop we share, so I can look anytime.  And he doesn’t care if I look at his iPhone. 

Some people are just more private.  We aren’t.  I don’t overshare with the world (most of the time) but I don’t have anything I’d care if he saw (other than maybe an email about his birthday present…).  It could be he just doesn’t want to share with anyone, but then it’s weird that he had his mom get it.  He could have given it to you and then changed it right away.   

So I guess I don’t feel like I NEED to have access to my husband’s stuff, but it’s nice to know that he doesn’t care if I do.  Because I can get at it, I rarely look.  Only if I’m looking for something particular and then I usually ask him. 

Post # 6
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

We live together, and it’s funny how over time those boundaries seem to loosen over time.  When we first got together, we each would hover over debit machines at the store, now if one of us wanted to see the other’s pin it’s NBD.  Same with checking accounts, savings…  We haven’t discussed PWs, but I imagine in the future we will be having some sort of joint savings/checking.  As far as personal stuff we respect the other’s need for privacy not to need to know.

Post # 7
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@ambereyez:  If this is bothering you, you need to talk to you Fiance about this. I know some people are more protective about their stuff than others, and that’s ok, I guess.

My guy and I both have each other’s email passwords, and I even have his email account on my iPhone. Neither of us care if the other checks it. Same w. Facebook.

Neither of us have anything to hide.

ETA: He does my finances so I log into my online banking for him so he can move money around etc. So we really have nothing to hide from each other since we budget together etc.

Post # 8
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

I think it’s pretty weird that in a situation where he really needed information, he was that unwilling to give you his password.  However, if he had anything to hide, giving your mom your password is probably not a good idea either?  And maybe he really did forget his password; these days it’s so easy to just tell your browser to save your password for every time you log in.

To answer your question, I don’t think privacy in anything is really necessary, especially after marriage, however Fiance and I don’t go into each other’s emails and stuff (unless it’s requested) because we keep all kinds of shipping info on presents for each other in our inboxes.

Post # 9
585 posts
Busy bee

We have a transparency agreement as well. It just kind of evolved that way. Sometimes we need stuff from each other (for bills, or to forward emails, etc). I feel comfortable that way, it feels more open. 

There’s nothing I won’t tell him. It’s hard for me to be that way because naturally I’m reclusive, but he is worthy of my trust and I am sharing my life with him. Doesn’t make sense for us to have boundary areas that are off-limits with my future husband.

Post # 10
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

We know most of each other’s passwords, but he has one for his computer/bills that he has never let me know. I used to just use one password for everything but changed that now and have multiple ones that means he probably couldn’t get into my credit cards. We share bank accounts so he has that. 

It used to bother me a bit that I didn’t know his and he (at that time) knew mine. But he likes to have a little privacy so it wasn’t that big of a deal. I would be a bit peeved though, if his mom had that info and I didn’t. 

Post # 12
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ambereyez:   That is a little strange. 

Is there a special occasion or your b-day coming up soon?  Maybe he has a surprise planned for you that he doesn’t want to spoil.  Just brainstorming his possible reasons.

If I were you I would ask him (right now) so you don’t have to keep feeling yucky.  It honestly sounds as though he has nothing to hide, so I wonder why he wouldn’t let you check – kinda odd.

Post # 13
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Honestly, it would weird me out of my Fiance had a problem giving me his password in a situation like that where he needed information, and it would weird me out even more if he gave it to his mother (to avoid giving it to me?). Not trying to upset you, but that is my reaction. We don’t really have a specific policy about this but there have been times when I’ve needed his password for something and he’s given it to me. I’m an instinctively private person for no particular reason — like if I’m calling someone on the phone I always have to be in my own “space,” away from Fiance, and it’s not because I’m talking about anything private or talking about him; that’s just the way I am. So my instinct is no, you don’t need to share these things, but when I think about it, there’s no good reason to actively keep this information from the other person.

Post # 14
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@ambereyez:  If I’m not mistaken, it sounds like in this situation with the hotel it wasn’t that he didn’t want to give it to you, its that he couldn’t remeber, right? Or, did he say “I don’t want you to have it” when you were trying to help him out? 

I don’t know my husband’s passwords and he doesn’t know mine, its a non issue because I have no desire to go through his emails, texts, whatever. I am not a snooper and wouldn’t want thim going through my emails/texts either becasue there is just no reason to do so. 

On the other hand, if we did need to know a password, we would give it – because once again the whole situation is not a big deal. However, if he were to find out that I had snooped with said password & vice versa, this would upset us both very much. 

Post # 15
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

My husband is extremely protective of his passwords. NOBODY else has them. I respect that. I have never had need to look into any of his accounts. We do not share finances outside of a joint account that we both pay into and have access to for bills, so I don’t need access to any of his personal stuff.

Post # 16
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I always forward my travel itineraries to Darling Husband (and often leave a printed copy) before I go anywhere; and I ask that he does the same for me.  It’s so much easier for us if we don’t have to access each other’s email – mine sure isn’t organized!

My husband and I haven’t explicitly shared email passwords, but since we both use gmail, and have it set up to stay signed in, it certainly wouldn’t be reasonable to think that I’m keeping him out of my email, or he’s keeping me out of his.  We also use each other’s phones (and iPad) regularly.  We respect each other, and maintain the illusion of privacy – i.e. we don’t snoop – but we both know that there’s not really a reason to think that the other won’t happen to see our email (or texts).

I’ve used the same email account since college.  I have email burried in there from several ex-boyfriends.  They don’t mean anything to me now, but it’s a pain to sort through and delete that crap…  I would feel bad if Darling Husband stubled across one of those and thought that maybe I was saving it for sentimental reasons (instead of out of pure laziness).  I know he has plenty of old email, and probably some “adult website” newsletters too… He doesn’t particularly like to admit that though – he tries to shield me from knowing what exactly he likes to look at when he’s away from me for a few days.  (I choose to be a bit sheltered in that area!)

Your FI’s reluctance to share his password could be as simple as being embarrassed about a porn-type spam, he might really have forgotten his password, or he might have been worried that you would laugh at his password… (maybe it’s something silly like the name of a favorite stuffed toy when he was little?  or an ex-gf’s name – just because it always has been?)  If it really bothers you, you could ask him about what his expectations of privacy are… but I don’t know that this would raise red flags for me, unless there were other little things that didn’t seem quite right.

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