Post # 1
So, my SO and I have been dating for 5 years, we’re both early 30s, live together, and have a child together.
Last year, we talked about getting married and he bought my engagement ring. We had initially talked about getting married in August of this year and I told him I needed at least a year to plan it, so the ring was bought and arrived late July of 2018 (I know when it came, because I tried it on to make sure it fit right when it arrived – with his permission). He said he still wanted to have an actual proposal, so I waited. And waited. And waited.
During the waiting time, I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, went through surgery and treatment, but we won’t know if I’m in remission for a few more months
It’s now been a year since the ring has been sitting in a drawer at home. I’ve asked him about it and he still “doesn’t know when” he’s going to. He basically says with this hectic of a year for us, the whole engagement thing can be put off until “later” (with no definition of what “later” means after waiting a full year). I get that argument, and understand where he’s coming from, but he also had nearly 6 months prior to my diagnosis that he did nothing with. I told him truthfully that I’m sick of waiting around for him to decide to do what we agreed on over a year ago, especially with the fact that my life might be cut short I don’t have the time to just continually wait for him to propose.
At this point, I feel like he waiting too long and I don’t want to wait for him anymore. It doesn’t help that last month he referred to me as his fiancé for a job-related purpose, but still kept me in limbo with the ring in his drawer. Even if he proposed today, I don’t see happiness in that ring anymore. I see a year of disappointment and his inability to commit.
This is mostly a rant, but I’d appreciate support. This has been a shit year.
Post # 2
Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances.
While I personally would want it to happen ASAP too, maybe he wants you to focus on your health a bit. It sucks a LOT for him to wait so long when you’ve clearly let him know you are ready, and your lives are already so deeply intertwined. I guess you also need to ask yourself if you want this to happen now or if you want to focus on your recovery first, and then jump into the whole cycle of planning and spending $$ on a wedding?
Best wishes in your recovery, bee!
Post # 3
I am so sorry and wish you healing and hope you get the best news in the months ahead.
Maybe he is looking at this from a financial standpoint, and maybe he is waiting perhaps for when you get the good news about remission, there’s no knowing reallynwhat his plans were/are, maybe he had planned a proposal then you were diagnosed and maybe he thought it wasn’t the best time, I mean there’s not real way to know exactly what his plan is/was, I really feel for you as far as your disappointment goes, I am sorry that you’re struggling with this and hope that you can find happiness moving forward, just keep your head up!
wishing you all the best!
Post # 4
I’m really sorry for everything you’re going through, bee.
I think it makes it even worse that when faced with a serious life-threatening illness, he still couldn’t propose to you. Usually such serious situations like that make you realize how short life is and you would think that would have inspired him to take action.
Even worse, he sat on the ring for 6 months before you got sick.
I don’t think I could look at him the same way again. I’m sorry bee
Post # 5
I realize not everyone would feel this way, but I would be absoliutely livid that a severe health issue (such as your cancer diagnosis) didn’t cause an immediate proposal and even a couirthouse wedding, with plans to have a proper reception later.
Post # 6
Thank you. It is really hard to look at him the same. In the time before my diagnosis, he’s had my birthday, multiple date nights, and major holidays he could have chosen to propose, but didn’t. Then uses my health issue as a reason (excuse IMO) to not get engaged. I even told him I would understand having a long engagement and putting the wedding off, but it’s an asshole thing to refer to me as your fiancé to your boss but not actually propose to me and to make me wait over a year for still a “later” with zero clarification as to when later might be.
Post # 7
Exactly. Especially if things do decline, being legally married would greatly benefit him and give him protections. Right now if I died, everything would default to my dad who I have barely had a relationship with my entire life, not the person I’ve built a life with. He suggested we just go to a lawyer and draft a will for me naming him, but why when we had already talked about getting MARRIED and we could literally just do what we already agreed to.
I’m incredibly pissed at him for continually putting this off, but I’m mostly pissed at myself for sticking around with someone who just will not propose. I used to love the ring he got and I literally can’t even look at it without being sad, angry, and bitter.
Post # 8
Tell him to knock it the fuck off and get engaged already. I dont know why women tolerate this ki d of crap from men. If someone thought it was A-OK to mess with my emotions like this I’d be out of there so fast. I certainly wouldn’t have his child. OP, if he doesnt give you the ring (because really what is a proposal after all this time, but a mere formality) you need to leave. Never, ever allow someone to treat you like this. It shows they have no respect for you and that you will tolerate it.
And a big fuck you to getting a lawyer to draft anything up. He’s really walking all over you.
Post # 9
I’m sorry for the circumstance you’re going through! You’ve been dealt a shitty hand medically and emotionally apparently. I wouldn’t stand for this type of treatment either if we’re in your shoes. It seems like he’s using your illness as a trial run to see if want to do this forever with you. Which is shitty considering you guys had talked marriage seriously in the past even before you got sick, so far as to even pick and purchase a ring.
I’d have a serious talk with him and how’s it’s affecting you. Are you prepared to walk away if he still feels the same wishy-washy way after this talk? Even if you guys did all the couples and individual counseling in the world he still might not want to marry you and I think you need to have several back up plans in place. I mean you guys may be able to overcome the waiting resentment but now it’s going far deeper and idk if that’s something you could personally let go of. It will take a lot of work from both ends of it does.
Personally I’d be done, after you guys have gone through hell, and he knows marriage is important to you and he hasn’t even proposed. I wouldn’t want a partner that clearly disregards my feelings. And then uses my illness against me as an excuse.
Good luck and hoping for the best for you OP! (Hopefully we’re all wrong and he’s just trying to throw you off…)
Post # 10
Ok so I am going to be the Debbie Downer and please forgive me if this comes off harshly because that is not my intention and I do hope that you are in remission and life a long, happy, healthy life.
Depending on state laws, your spouse could be liable for medical bills after your death. This would be absolutely overwhelming to have to deal with on top of burial cost and the complete heartbreak of losing ones life partner. While I do understand the fact that he should have shown you how much you mean to him way before the diagnosis, maybe he is holding off because the future is so unknown? I do think that drafting a will is needed, my husband I both have done it but we have a small child so that is different.
I want to say that while I am not siding with him in his delay of the proposal but maybe there is more to it that he just doesn’t feel its appropriate to discuss because it would make him sound selfish or a half in/half out of the relationship. I think you need to focus on the fact that he is standing by you during this time of hardship and honestly that matters so much more than getting married, just having a partner be with you during sickness w/o commitment is huge. I’ve seen people leave their spouse for less and it is very sad.
Post # 11
Oh wow. So he will happily take all your money and benefits but he won’t even marry you to do that?! When he already bought a ring and the intent was already there?
He is literally going out of his way to show you he will never marry you.
That is one of the lowest things I think I’ve ever seen
Post # 12
So sorry for you bee. With everything you’ve been through, he keeps you waiting on a proposal. How can he do this? I’d hate his guts.
I wish I could offer better advice, I just had to let you know you have my very best wishes for a full recovery. You deserve better.
Post # 13
I also was pretty flabbergasted to read that the OP’s boyfriend is willing to be named as her beneficiary in her will, but unwilling or hesitant to propose to her. From the outside, this action looks quite cold and calculating.
I’m really sorry about your diagnosis and what you have been through with your health.
As far as your relationship goes – 5 years and a child together is a lot of commitment, especially for a couple in their 30s. It’s very reasonable and timeous to expect serious movement towards marriage. A year is more than long enough for you to have been kept in suspense about his intentions.
I’d say you need to sit him down and get a clear answer about what his plans are for the ring and proposing and he needs to tell you whether he intends to marry you or not, and when. Don’t let him get away with “later” or fobbing you off. You deserve to know the truth. Just be prepared for it to be something you might not want to hear. If he doesn’t plan to propose or plans to put it off for another few years, you deserve to know that too.
Post # 14
I’m so sorry about your circumstances. I do not intent what I am about to say to be hurtful to you ( I am a former cancer survivor too and I wish you the best!!) but I can’t help but wonder if he isn’t proposing because he doesn’t want to marry someone sick? Cancer is very scary and some people just can’t handle or don’t want to be caregivers. I feel like him saying: let’s wait until your remission is confirmed, is the definition of conditional love. You are going through a horrible situation and you deserve someone who will be there for you no matter what. Even if he is scared or whatever, knowing that you are suffering and this will make you happy should be enough of a reason for him to propose. You deserve way better!
Post # 15
I don’t know why you even want to marry him after all of this. It’s pretty clear he doesn’t want to marry you. He didn’t when you were healthy, he didn’t when you were sick, and he doesn’t now.
Definitely do not sign a will or anything to him.