(Closed) Boundaries… with family

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

I have three options!

1. Don’t talk to them, “86” them from your life completely.

2. Kill em’ with kindness – always call to say Hi, be polite, smile constantly, etc. when you’re around them.

3. Call them out on their bull shit and allow them to get all their issues out in one meeting. Once it’s out, address it and move on. If they can’t move on, refer to option 1. 

Good luck, Bee! This sucks. Holidays are supposed to be with family 🙁

Post # 3
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think this will be a process for you to get to a point where you don’t care what they think anymore but I’m sure that day will come. Unfortunaley a lot  of people like this will choose to end the relationship before they can learn to respect boundries and they sound like they can’t be troubled with this concept.  Live your own life for you and good things will come to you 🙂 

Post # 4
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

I am currently estranged from my mother and my father is deceased so I know what you are going through. I came to a place 4 years ago that I was no longer going to let my mother treat me any way she pleases. I have had almost zero contact with her during that time. She writes letter and texts me occasionally basically telling me I need to “fix” this situation NO mention of anything she has done wrong. All I expect is an ” I’m sorry” and appparently that is too much to ask.

I really can’t give you much advise because besides cutting my mother out of my life I haven’t really come up with a solution. Sorry your family is being so crappy and you can PM me if you ever wanna talk.

Post # 6
Member
32 posts
Newbee

View original reply
devi514:  You sound very insightful to recognize the dysfunction in these relationships. Co-dependency is something that is taught to us and can be difficult to re-train ourselves to step out of. I strongly suggest that you see a therapist or social worker to help you personally work through these issues. They will have all the proper tools and information to take you to the next step. The bee is great for supportive comments, but there are also online communities tailored to these specific issues. 

Co-dependency does hinder one’s personal growth, it’s good to do some reading online to better understand what it entails. http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency

It sounds like (without diagnosing) that your parents may have mental health issues. Your mother in particular could have a cluster B personality, which can be very damaging growing up. I recommend you care for yourself in the way that your family never could. Research online in the meantime. Here’s another good website to start you off. http://www.lightshouse.org/#axzz3lM6wcnvA

Your family is very dysfunctional and I’m glad you recognize that. You may want to take a break with the holidays this year and to regroup your thoughts on how to move forward. You’ll have to put up some strong boundaries (which will meet a strong opposition when enforced), focus on rebuilding new healthy relationships, and to start building your self worth. When we are told by family our whole lives that we are no good, we start to believe it. You’re going to have to strip those beliefs down and replace them with better messages. You have struggled quite a bit, but there will be more that you’ll have to endure moving forward. I know you can do it because you are a very smart person to recognize all you have so far. Keep going ! 🙂 

If you ever want to talk more about this, you can PM me for more resources. 

Post # 8
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee

Yikes. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would echo the advice to go and speak to a psychologist or counsellor.

They will be able to help you disect your families behaviour and give you techniques and strategies for managing it. I have a couple of friends from dysfunctional families and have seen vast improvements since they sought professional help. I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change your mother, but you can improve your own mental health and how you deal with those stressful situations.

I think it’s amazing that you can recognize so many of the issues and are trying to address them. I think if I was in your place I’d just cut off all contact and then feel guilty about it forever. So not healthy. Kudos to you!!

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