- 4 years ago
This isn’t really an issue, I just am curious if other people think this situation is weird because I do.
SO lived with two other guys last year, and one of them has a girlfriend who essentially lived with them as well against the others’ wishes. She would show up unannounced, would just be there when her boyfriend wasn’t, and stayed over 4-6 times a week. She even went over at 11pm on a school night after she planned to stay at her own apartment a couple of times because she couldn’t sleep by herself. Her boyfriend never said no, even when he didn’t want her there. It caused a lot of issues for literally the entire school year. I avoided them for a while after the year was over because I was so sick of dealing with it, and I didn’t live with them. She’s the kind of person who really inserts herself into conversations and took away “guy time” because she was always there and talking or nagging or complaining.
Now SO and the other guy are living alone and this couple both live separately. They’re all cool with each other now, kind of quasi friends. However, they are both often over at the house, and now that the boyfriend is out of town, the girlfriend is still coming over! It’s not a situation where either guy living in the house actively wants her to be there, but I feel like they’re so used to her that there are no boundaries.
Yesterday, she texted my SO around 7 to see what he was up to. He knew that she was trying to come over and we were just hanging out and watching a movie, so he didn’t respond. She texted him about an hour later asking if he was home, again trying to invite herself over. He ignored that as well. Then at 11pm, she texts him seemingly annoyed, saying that she was planning on picking up some of her boyfriend’s things that day. There was no actual plan for that to happen that my SO knew of. I told him I thought it was rude for her to text 3 different times trying to ask to come over and that he shouldn’t let her walk over him like she did to her boyfriend at their last house. She’s not a threat or anything, and she’s a nice girl, but that just strikes me as so rude! I’m pretty sure all of SO’s friends like me way more than they like her, but I would never dream of inviting myself to their houses when SO was not around. After I left, he gave in and said she could come over. He said he played video games and tried to pretend she wasn’t there.
Tonight, we came back to his house after dinner and she was there, sitting on the couch with SO’s roommate and his girlfriend. When SO saw her car in the driveway, he goes “…awesome, I get to hang out with her again.” He’s already annoyed about it. We went upstairs to hang out, and when we came back down the couple was gone but this girl was sitting there in her sweats on her computer just chilling. Apparently the couple had gone to get a movie so it wasn’t too weird that she was there alone, but HER BOYFRIEND DOES NOT LIVE THERE!! AND HE IS OUT OF TOWN FOR TWO WEEKS! Like I said, the guys don’t mind her and like her more than they used to, but if she did not invite herself over they would not ask her to hang out.
And a couple of nights ago, she walked back to SO’s house with us after going out and tried to hang out – I had to drive her home about 10 minutes later because SO didn’t want her to walk home alone and I had to go home. Her apartment was literally on the way back to SO’s house and she could have gone home when we were walking back.
She’s clearly very insecure and lonely which I understand, but IMO imposing your presence on your boyfriend’s friends is not the way to go. If we are just hanging out, SO will not let her interfere with our time, but she is often there if we get back late. He and his roommate both feel like they have no reason to say no, so they just let her come over and seemingly feel obligated. I don’t know, I just don’t operate like that. If I don’t feel like seeing someone, I don’t. Wanting to be alone or not actively wanting to see someone is a good enough reason for me to say no.
It doesn’t affect my life so I’m not going to bother with it or get too upset in real life, but does anyone else think she has crazy boundary issues? There’s no jealousy on my side or anything, but she’s been the root of a lot of issues in the past year and I think it’s incredibly rude to invite yourself over like that!! We’re all in college and the guys are pretty chill so it’s not the biggest breach of ettiquite, but I think she needs to find other things to do with her time. I just want to shake my SO and say “She is not your girlfriend! You have no obligation to her! Don’t let her walk all over you and your time, because she is not your girlfriend!”
Anyway. What are your thoughts? Sorry this was so long!!