(Closed) Boundaries with the opposite sex..friends..whats your no no?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@TexasSpringBride:  I think you are 100 percent right and justified in what you said to your Darling Husband. You can’t fix problems in your marriage without going to the source – your spouse. Fiance and I are notoriously private and we don’t tell anyone anything about our relationship. In our view, it’s none of their business, and some things need to remain private.

So many of my girlfriends complain at length about their partners, and then happily reunite with them. Sure, I understand venting but don’t people realize that if all you tell me about your partner are the negative things then it will taint my view of him/her? I stopped discussing my relationships in high school.

With an opposite sex friend, it’s even worse and in my view counts as an emotional affair. I’d be devestated by a physical affair, but an emotional one is just as bad. My Fiance and I generally hang around other couples. While he is friends with my female friends, he doesn’t hang out with them one on one and he certainly doesn’t discuss me or our relationship with them.

It seems wrong and juvenile to me, and it also seems like asking for trouble.

Post # 4
Member
4337 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My two best friends are male, and sometimes when I was dating Darling Husband and we ran into problems, I would talk to them, but these “problems” were minor and mostly I just needed a guy’s perspective – it wasn’t a vent session and I never put him down in from of them.

That said, we’re married now and both guys really like Darling Husband. If we ever have real problems, I would not turn to them. I trust them uniquivocally, but any marriage issues are between Darling Husband and me (and, if we choose to work with one, a counselor).

Short answer: I think the gender of the friend is irrelevant. Discussing personal marriage issues with friends is not appropriate – unless you truly need their help to escape an abusive/toxic relationship.  Discussing issues with a friend who doesn’t approve of your spouse just makes it worse – they may try to twist your thinking.

 

Post # 5
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well my closest friends have always been menm so of couse i’d talk to them about problems in my relationship, they confide in me too– would it be any different if they were talking over coffee in a resteraunt or just because they were in a hotel room?

Post # 8
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What if it was a same sex friend? Would you feel the same way?  If the answer is yes than I think your point of view is justified.  If it’s no, I don’t necessarily think it is because I don’t think gender of friend should really matter.  I generally agree that relationship matters should not be talked about outside of the relationship, but I think there are times when it is okay and appropriate to confide in a friend about something and gender shouldn’t/doesn’t matter for us.  For us, I guess certain topics of conversation would be overstepping boundaires, but the gender of the person would not matter to us, as long as it was a topic that wasn’t outside of the boundaries we have.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@TexasSpringBride:  

I guess then the couple needs to establish the boundaries of discussion between friends– the severity of the “problems” that they are allowed to share with close friends— ex, obviously venting about Darling Husband leaving dirty socks everywhere is OK. I guess I’m just more lax/open about everything– if I was talking with a close friend and vented my frusturation about something serious (personal example– Darling Husband wants to stay in our current city and I want to move abroad for grad school, soon), that is something we fight a lot about and it seems natural (to me, in my realationship) to talk about it with a close friend, sibling, etc.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with you. It’s one thing if you’re asking for advice on a minor or silly issue because you just need a guy’s perspective, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for an opposite sex friend to be someone you vent to about your relationship and if you’re unhappy with your SO. Really, I think you should watch how you talk about your SO to your friends in general opposite sex or not – some things are just private and there needs to be a balance between having the need to vent and not oversharing on private moments between you and your SO. Where that line is seems to vary from person to person.

 

 

Darling Husband really doesn’t have any female friends – he works in a male-dominated industry and pretty much his only hobby he has time for outside work and family is his cover band, which is also a bunch of guys. I, on the other hand, also work in a male-dominated industry, I’m actually the only female in the department, so I do have male co-workers who have become close friends. We’ll go out sometimes outside work to see a ball game or hang out at the bar, grab a bite after work, whatever. Darling Husband is always welcome to come along but usually doesn’t since where I work is a significant commute from where we live. But he has met all of them at some point or another, which I think helps him to be comfortable with it. I have crossed the line once though, I’m not proud to admit it but there was one night last summer where we were invited to go to a baseball game and then out to a bar with my co-workers. Darling Husband couldn’t go because he had a late band practice but told me to have a good time…well, I’m a lightweight who never drinks, typically I’m at the bar more for conversing than drinking. But that night everyone kept doing rounds of shots, and I ended up totally drunk and falling asleep at the apartment of a guy friend who lives across the street from the bar. Not my finest moment, but I immediately owned up to it, apologized, and promised it would never happen again -which it hasn’t. So my Darling Husband really didn’t make an issue out of it, he knew I was sincere and already knew I screwed up.

 

Post # 11
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I totally disagree with you. A friend is a friend, regardless of their gender. If I’d talk to my best female friend about marital problems then I’d do the same to my closest male friend. (Although honestly both my closest male and female friends are as likely to tell me that I’m being crazy as they are to tell me my husband is an ass). I think friends are good to talk to problems about because sometimes you just need to vent to get over something. And sometimes you need to know if you’re being crazy or not. (and with me its like 50/50 lol). 

I do think some boundaries changed with my close male friend once I was with my husband but they were more in a physical sense. I’ve been friends w/ this guy since high school through various boyfriends (and girlfriends on his part) and we have never dated. When we were both single we would hang out, spend weekends at each others’ apartments (we used to live in different cities), and sleep in the same bed. Basically the same as I’d do with a girl friend who had a queen size bed and no guest room. Once I met my husband we did stop sleeping in the same bed out of respect for our partners because that seemed to be crossing a line to us– but I still used to go visit him at his apartment alone and sleep on the couch. And now he lives near us and we hang out alone if our spouses aren’t around and its fine. 

So I guess in terms of boundaries– what we talk about is still the same as always. The amount we hang out is the same as always. The only new boundaries are just to avoid things that might make our partners uncomfortable like sleeping in the same bed and the like. 

Post # 13
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@fiver:  I agree.  I don’t really see a problem with this.

 

Me venting about Darling Husband leaving his clothes around the house isn’t going to taint my friends’ views about him.  And sometimes when two people are having an arguement (I’ll steal your moving vs staying example) and are both invested in their “side” of the discussion, it can be helpful to get some outside perspective from someone who isn’t so emotionally invested in the outcome.

Post # 15
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@TexasSpringBride:  I don’t care.  So long as he is also talking to me, I’m not going to be upset if he talks to her too.  Perspective can be a helpful thing.  Maybe he isn’t sure how to bring it up and wants advice.  Maybe he wants to make sure he isn’t being crazy to avoid causing tension when there isn’t truely a problem.

 

Besides, if she already doesn’t like me, it isn’t like her opinion of me will change in any way.  I don’t really get how this whole “already doesn’t like the SO” thing even matters here.

Post # 16
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think confiding on a deep level to another person, male or female is out of bounds.  You should be discussing things like that with your spouse or with a counselor.

Here and there stuff, yeah, okay.  But problems in your marriage – no.

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