Post # 1
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
My fiancé lives with his parents, and he will be moving in with me after our wedding. His parents are very loving people, but they seem to have boundary issues as far as what is a “normal” way to treat their son. I don’t understand why they do some of the things they do.
For example, my future FIL opens my fiance’s mail all of the time (and just spoiled the surprise of his own Christmas present). I don’t think he is snooping, he just doesn’t seem to care at all that somebody else’s name is on the package. Fiance’s mom recently tried to buy Obamacare for him, on his behalf, without even asking him, or taking into consideration the fact that we will be married in a month and that I might need to be involved with health care decisions we are making. (Instead, she consulted my FSIL about the best plan for my fiancé.) Also, mom and dad both recently “cleaned out” his bedroom when he and I were away for a long weekend. I would have been furious if my parents basically re-organized all of my personal belongings without asking me.
I don’t feel like any of this is normal, but my fiancé doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, probably because they have treated him this way all of his life. I truly believe that they are doing these things out of love, and don’t really understand how weird it is. None of it is malicious and it’s not like I’m dealing with a “momma’s boy” situation with a mom who won’t let go – he is not emotionally attached and she is not creating drama on purpose. It’s just that they don’t give him the normal adult boundaries you would afford your 29 year old son, even if he is still living with you.
Does anybody else have experience with in-laws who have weird boundary issues, and has it carried over into your marriage?
Post # 3
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
If I were your FI, I would have all of my transferred to your house pronto. I have this weird thing about people opening my mail. It’s my mail. I don’t want anyone else opneing it. Same thing with the bedroom. It’s my bedroom, with my personal property. No one else needs to clean it.
Having said that, my FMIL is like this. She will go in and clean my FI’s room when we go away or he goes hunting, etc. Except she is trying to find things to yell at him for. The man is 24 years old and she treats him like he is 5.
Post # 4
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
I’m glad I’m not the only one. FMIL will go in and clean his room and if she finds articles of clothing (like underwear) of mine that I have accidentally left behind, she will wash them for me and give them to me the next time she sees me…not to make a scene but just because she is being nice. It is the weirdest thing. Most moms would just ignore that they ever saw the girlfriend’s panties on the floor.
Post # 5
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee
@marie_antoinette: Hmm, weird boundary stuff for us? Not really. But I agree that is pretty weird. I would flip my shit if my mom went rooting around in my bedroom or opened my mail. At least it sounds like they are not trying to over step. I think it will probably die down after he is no longer under their roof.
I said we didn’t really have any issues, but DH’s parents were/are way more involved with him than mine are with me. Certain things definitely changed after he moved out. (His mom stopped buying him cereal and shampoo. Stopped telling him to clean up, stuff like that.)
Post # 6
Member
2609 posts
Sugar bee
@marie_antoinette: Frankly, I’m shocked that a 29 year old man still lives at home. That is also not really normal in that most adults want and need to strike out on their own long before they’re almost 30!
While I agree his parents behavior is intrusive, they still treat him like a child because he allows it and because he kind of still is a child. He was raised this way, so it seems normal to him but then again, most kids reach a point long before 30 where they break away from their parents and insist on being treated like an adult and live like an adult.
Frankly, I think you might have some issues coming your way both with your FIL’s and a man-child who is accustomed to being babied.
Post # 7
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@Zhabeego: +1
At this point, if you want to TRY to help the issue, start having his mail forwarded to your house and have him start taking stuff to your place as well.
It’s weird, but his mom is used to this it sounds. I have a feeling you’re going to be dealing with boundary issues even once he starts living with you. Good luck. I feel your pain.
Post # 8
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
I agree with the previous posters, it’s their home and their boundaries.
Post # 9
Member
3072 posts
Sugar bee
@marie_antoinette: Normal adult boundaries usually happen when the adult moves out of the home…He still lives there so he has to deal with it. Their house their rules.
All of these issues would go away if he moved out…
Post # 10
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
@marie_antoinette: If I stay at his parents house, I am not allowed to sleep in his room with him (even though he stays with me all of the time and his mom knows that we have had sex) so I’m glad I will never have to go through the embarassment of her having found my underwear in his room.
Post # 11
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
@marie_antoinette: I could see this not being a problem at all once he moves out OR it could transform into other issues. If he’s used to his parents doing things for him (laundry, cleaning/organizing, taking care of stuff like insurance) does he understand that he needs to do all this on his own after moving in with you? Or will he expect you to do it? Does he have the skills to take care of himself but he just lets his parents care for him? Or does he really not know and needs them to do it? Does he know how to do other basic stuff like cooking, shopping, banking, repairs, etc? I don’t mean to be insulting to him in asking this, I can just see that an adult might miss out on learning how to do these things if they are living with parents who happily take care of everything.
Post # 12
Member
2809 posts
Sugar bee
i’m pretty sure it’s a federal offense to open someone else’s mail.
just saying.
Post # 13
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
@colorofmyheart: +1. It drives me crazy when people open someone else’s mail!
Post # 14
Member
5664 posts
Bee Keeper
My god this is how you treat a 10 year old not a 29 year old… I have no advice, sorry. But I hope that doesn’t continue and you don’t find yourself having some serious issues once he’s moved out and in with you.
Post # 15
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
@kenziemt: He does know how to do all of those basic skills, and when he stays with me, he takes care of himself and doesn’t expect me to cook/clean for him. So I think that part will be OK – It’s just that when he’s home, he lets his mom treat him this way.
Post # 16
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
@Zhabeego: I agree with you that most people should ideally be out of their parents’ house long before 29. But my fiance has been unable to do so up until this point because he does not make enough money to live on his own while paying off school loans simultaneously, like many other “boomerang kids” in today’s world. So, I am not concerned about him living at home until 29. Many of my other friends are doing the same thing. It’s not like they want to live at home, they just have to, for now.
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