(Closed) Boycotting my ceremony but attending my reception?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: I would...
    Not invite them, period, despite the family drama it may cause. : (170 votes)
    47 %
    Invite them with the stipulation that they either attend both events or none at all. : (88 votes)
    24 %
    Invite them and say nothing. : (100 votes)
    28 %
    Other, explain in comments. : (5 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 106
    Member
    7750 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Ugh I can sadly relate to this. I am Greek Orthodox and we’re having a secular wedding outside the church that will incorporate elements of my tradition as well as my fiance’s Jewish tradition. I am so anxious that some of my really observant GO family members and friends will feel uncomfortable at the ceremony and make a comment to me about it afterward. I haven’t had anyone flat out refuse to come yet but it’s still a ways off so anything could happen.

    I’m really not sure what the best move is for you here, but I don’t think dictating that they come to all or nothing is it. I kind of think you should rise above, invite them to the wedding, and try to cross this off the list of things to worry about. Easier said than done, I totally get it. 

    Post # 107
    Member
    1148 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    This is tricky because they are family but a reception is a thank you to guests for attending the ceremony. It’s meant for people who recognize and celebrate this marriage. What are they there for if they don’t see you as married? If they don’t support the way you are getting married? Overly religious people like this make my blood boil. Practice whatever religion you want, make whatever choices you want, but don’t push your choices onto others -_-

    Post # 108
    Member
    1272 posts
    Bumble bee

    Don’t invite them. If they (or attending family) make a fuss, just say you didn’t see a point in inviting them to celebrate something they don’t believe is real. It’s like an atheist going to Easter Mass for the egg hunt afterwards. Do they plan on not calling you by his last name or declaring your future children bastards as well (assuming you take his name/want kids, of course)? Their response to come to the reception but not the ceremony is hypocritical at best, and greedy at worst.

    Post # 109
    Member
    458 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    This was a long time ago, and was probably specific to the church/congregation not the Catholic church as a whole, but my mother’s family left the Catholic church over a family member’s wedding.

    My great-aunt (grandpa’s sister) was Catholic, and married a Methodist man in his Methodist church. My great-grandparents (her parents) and the entire family attended the wedding. When my great-grandparents passed away, the children were told they could not be buried in the Catholic cemetary because they had attended a Methodist wedding. Their own child’s wedding. That’s when my grandpa said goodbye to the Catholic church.

    I was raised Catholic (my mom converted back when she married my dad because he was Catholic) and I’d never heard of this, so perhaps it was an old rule done away with or again, specific to that church but there are some strange rules out there about weddings. I married a Jewish man and had a secular wedding outside of a church with a few culturally Jewish elements and luckily none of my family members objected. If they had, they could fume about it from the comfort of their own homes. 🙂

    Post # 110
    Member
    7371 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I admit I didn’t even read the OPs post first. Regardless I say,  Nope. Nyet. Get of of here.

    Just stay your ass home then. Okay. I’ll go read it now. 

    Post # 111
    Member
    862 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - historical mansion

    This is a tough one! do you like them? Would having them at the reception make the party more fun? Other consideration, I know this is harsh, but do you know what they have given for gifts in the past? If they are stingy with the gift and inviting them is going to end up costing you money, then I’d be inclined not to invite them.

    Post # 112
    Member
    139 posts
    Blushing bee

    As a practicing Catholic, I can affirm that not attending an invalid wedding (if you were baptized Catholic, this family sees you as Catholic, regardless of whether you practice) is indeed Church teaching. However, the guidance for these situations is that the Catholic party neither attend the ceremony nor celebrate the wedding, so the idea that it’s okay to not go to your ceremony but then eat free food and “celebrate” a marriage they won’t even recognize is utter b.s. They really have no business being there if they don’t support the union; you should be surrounded by people that are happy for you. I don’t think you should invite them, and if there are protests, merely say, “I know your beliefs on the matter and I didn’t want to put you in a position where you would be tempted to do something contrary to Church teaching.” 🙂 That should get the point across.

    Post # 113
    Member
    994 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    nope, no invite for them!

    My friend was married in the catholic church, and her uncle who is VERY athiest doesn’t feel comfortable being in a church

    but he loves her, so he stood in the lobby and stared through the glass and watched her get married from “outside” the church. He told her ahead of time that this was his plan and she was okay with it

    but someone saying “your union isn’t real, we’ll just be there for the food booze and cake!” is not someone who deserves an invite

    Post # 114
    Member
    1883 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I would not invite these people. I agree that it seems extremely hypocritical that they don’t support your marriage or choice of spouse, and don’t believe the marriage to be valid, yet want to come eat and drink on your dime and “celebrate” something they don’t actually support. It’s not like you’re asking them to convert or participate in religious rites – all they have to do is sit there. 

    Post # 115
    Member
    466 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    That’s like . . . the opposite of the Catholic view on marriage.  We invalidate our own marriages left and right if someone muffs up the form even just a bit, but honor everyone else’s marriages until multiple tribunals have reviewed the case and maybe decided something was suspect after the application to open a petition is approved by committee.  Maybe link them to the appropriate catechism sections concerning validity of marriage and invite them again. 🙂

    Post # 116
    Member
    3771 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    I was raised in a strict catholic household. My Darling Husband was not and was not comfotable getting married in the church. We had several family members decline our invitation due to this. It is a belief that you are witnessing a false union. I am gussing as a previous poster said- they might not agree with your choice of ceeremony but wnat to support you as people.

    Anyways, OP you had your mind made up before you even posted. You have poor opinions of these people anyways so either don’t invite them or invite them and follow up with them when they RSVP that it makes you uncomfortbale that they don’t support your marriage and would prefer that they not attend the reception if they don’t truely support your marriage.

    Post # 117
    Member
    155 posts
    Blushing bee

    Uhh no. You are not about to disrespect me AND eat my food. Stahhhp

    Post # 118
    Member
    17 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    Their loss for missing your beautiful ceremony. I would invite them regardless to save family stress. Anyone they tell their reason to that doesn’t think the same way will think they are ridiculous. Hopefully they send you presentation.

    Post # 120
    Member
    11 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I saw don’t invite them. Save the invites for someone who truly love and respect you. I’m in a similiar boat. I’m Pagan, my family isn’t. Not only don’t they want to come to my ceremony, they want to use it to tell me all the ways I’m going to Hell.

    ~Kellie

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