Post # 1
I need advice. My boyfriend (of two years) and I broke up two months ago. In the beginning of our relationship, we lived an hour apart, then we moved in together. Then he got a job in another state, so we were long distance for 4 months before we broke up. The distance was really hard, along with the fact that he said he feels he needs to date before he settles down. For reference, I was only the second girl he’s dated (and second relationship) and he is pushing 30 years old. I am 25, but had my opportunity to date before I met him. He is my best friend, and I am devastated without him. We still talk everyday, but it’s not quite the same. We still love each other, but he feels he has to date and get rid of his doubts before he can commit and settle down for good with me. He says there might be a future for us, but we won’t get an unlimited number of chances to get it right, so if he comes back he wants it to be for good. I can’t even really consider dating anyone else right now with how I still feel about him.
I guess my question is, anyone been in a similar situation. Did it work out for you?
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I would never wait around for a 30 year old who “needs” to date.
The fact that he is stringing you along PROVES he’s a jerk. Stop talking to him and move on.
Post # 3
Hesconfused: I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. However, I don’t think it should be necessary to date to get rid of doubts. I have been with my SO for 6 years and we’re planning a wedding for next year. I am his first and only girlfriend. He didn’t have a lot of experience before me and he never had doubts about us. The fact that your ex is approaching 30 is even worse. He is a grown man and life experience should be enough. I think he’s stringing you along and that’s what makes him a jerk. You deserve a man who will commit to you without doubts and the need to date other women.
I know you are looking for people who are or have been in a similar situation, but I just wanted to comment because I think you can do better. Again, I know it’s hard but it doesn’t seem like he’s the one for you.
Post # 4
Thanks for the responses!
Just to clarify above, he has never asked me to wait for him. He has actually encouraged me to live my life, and make decisions as I feel are right. We should be in the same region again in about 6 months, and that’s when he said he had most hope of us working our relationship out. The long distance put a big strain on us.
Post # 5
I’m sorry but if a guy who was in his 30’s told me that he needed to date before settling down…i would have dropped him faster than a hot potato. This means he wants to run around like he is in college still and sleep with as many women as he can get his hands on.
You are better off realizing he is a jerk and break all connection with him.
Post # 6
I would not put myself on hold for a 30 yr old who “needs to date”. He’s had at least 14 years to do that already.
Stop talking with him every day, and start leading your own life. If you end up back in the same area in 6 months and you are both available, then you can see what happens.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Honestly, I would cut all ties. I know you’re losing your best friend, and that sucks. But you’re drawing this out by continuing to speak to him.
Post # 8
Honestly, I would wait the six months and then see where the two of you are. It’s a little weird for someone his age to be so flighty about commitment/marriage, but it’s not unheard of. I went through a similar period after my FI told me he wanted to marry me; I felt like I was being crushed by the commitment and I couldn’t stop thinking about all the experiences I would be missing. I say wait six months, live your life however you want, let him sow his wild oats, and then reevaluate when you’re in the same place again.
Post # 9
I would stop all communication.
Like Citysparkle, I am my SO’s first and only girlfriend and he has no doubt that I’m who he wants to end up with. He too didn’t have a lot of experience with other girls (two prior FWBs).
If you keep up communication you are not giving yourself a chance to move on. It doesn’t sound like he is even remotly close to settling down and making a commitment. I have been in your position before and it sucked. When I finally let him go and let myself move on and give up the dreams of us getting married and growing old is when I met the right guy!!
Post # 10
Honestly, after the time you have already given to get rid of doubts, I would move forward with your life. I was in a similar situation when I was younger. We broke up after dating for almost two years, it turned into long distance, he said he needed time. We continued to talk almost daily and “get together” every now and then. I still loved him, but after about 8 months, I realized what I was doing showed I didn’t love or respect myself. I loved him, but I loved myself more and deserved better than what he could give me. So do you. I can honestly say almost 8 years later I still have a special place in my heart for him (as cheesy as that sounds). He wasn’t mean or cruel, he was honest and I couldn’t hold that against him, even though it broke my heart.
Moral of the story, you should respect yourself. If you know what you want and he doesn’t, then you have to move on to get it. I know how hard it is and it takes time, but I would consider cutting off your contact for awhile to allow yourself to heal. He needs time, you should give it to him and not allow yourself to be strung along in the process. Much easier said than done, but I hope you consider letting it go. It will get better.
Post # 11
Yes I’ve been in that situation: an ex BF in my early to mid 20s pulled the same stunt on me “oh I love you but I need to do things/date others before I can commit and marry you.” I was very much in love with him so I thought I could wait and frankly, the way I felt about him didn’t help since I wasn’t interested in anyone else. It took me about three years to truly get over that relationship and realize this: I loved him and would’ve waited for him, HE didn’t love me like that. HE didn’t love me enough to forsake all others for me, HE didn’t love me enough to not hurt me like that. Do you see? In this case, it’s not you, it’s him. And unless he proves himself worthy of you again I would very kindly and in the friendliest way possible tell you that you deserve someone who loves you the way you love him. Nothing less than that and this guy that you’re pining over IS less than that.
Post # 12
Hesconfused: by telling you that he has “hope” that you guys will work things out in 6 months, he is stringing you along and basically asking you to wait around till then. i know you love him, but if he loved you the same way and was ready to commit to you, he would never have let you Go. What man who is madly in love takes his chances on potentially losing his girlfriend forever? Would you ever do that to him? I am sorry to say it but you need to cut contact with your guy for now and move on immediately, and if he wants to come back eventually, you need to make him work for it so he understands he can’t just cast you aside whenever his eye wanders.
Post # 13
This isn’t love, honey. He’s looking for someone else while dangling a carrot over your head to keep you around in case he needs you later on. You are his backup plan and you deserve so much more.
Post # 14
You need to move forward without this guy as a factor in your future. If he truly loved you and bailed your relationship he would not feel the need to date nor would he risk losing you to someone else. He’s just not the one. Who knows what the future will hold bit you cant keep hanging I to the false hope. You feel this way because youso rain contact. If you can move away from keeping in touch your feelinga will become more managable. Youat always care for him and wonder about him but you are selling yourself short if you let his empty promises impeed on your happiness.
Me and DH did break up for a year when we dated but we made eachother no promises. i felt he wasn’t that into me and he said it wasnt the right time in his life to get serious after all he’d been through (he was recently divorced) I suspect he did want to date, after all we had only been dating for mabye 6 months and things weren’t going that well. I was very young and shy and our meetings were awkward. Lol. But he was too much of a gentleman to say “maybe we can be together one day” or to be so hurtful as to tell me he wants to date. I let him go and moved on as if id never see uim again. It was hard because I really wanted him to be the one. It didn’t take long to move on because I chose not to keep In touch.
We embedded up becoming friends, much much later we fell in love and hot married but I never expected it. I dated others, I respected he wasnt going to be my boyfriend And didn’t pry too much into his reasoning. If donekbw doesn’t want to be with you, sorry but you just can’t argue with that. 99% if the time any future isnt going to happen. If you hang on and force it, what you get back won’t be real love.
Post # 15
Hesconfused: I would be concerned that he feels the need to play the field before deciding if he wants to settle down with you. So what, if he doesn’t find anything better then he’ll come back to you and if he does find someone better then too bad for you? Nope, take back your power here and tell him if he’s not sure now then you guys need to go your separate ways.