(Closed) Boyfriend and I have different timelines for marriage and kids.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Im sorry you are going through this but you wont be happy if you nag him into proposing. You will feel like he is doing this just to make you leave him alone about it. Not a happy way or romantic way to start the next chapter of your life. I don’t think you are going to get what you want so maybe you should begin modifying your expectations. Whether that means leaving and starting over (doubt you will be married in two years time) or staying and hoping this doesnt go on forever.

Although maybe he is just throwing you off his sent and getting ready to surprise you. 🙂 Good luck!

Oh and I’m not tring to be insensitive but is freezing your eggs possible? I know it’s kind of pricey and tedious but honestly I doubt its much more than a wedding.

Post # 4
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t know what you should do.

I apologize in advance if this sounds harsh. It is not meant to; I am just trying to break it down for you. Your SO understands your timeline just fine. However, he sees something different for himself. That is OK. This is sort of where dating comes in to play. You date to find someone who is compatible wiith you and wants the same things you do (including timing). The bottom line is, if you have your timeline and you want to stick to that, then you need to move on and find someone who is willing to work your timeline. Just because you have been together for 8 years, and just because all of your friends are planning weddings, and just because you have a timeline and people ask when you 2 are getting married, does not mean that he has to sacrifice anything to make your timeline come to fruition. It’s his life too, let him live it. IMO, it’s unfair for you to push your timeline on your boyfriend. If you guys don’t have the same ideals about the future, then move on and find someone who you are compatible with in that way. If he wants to wait, he should. If you don’t, then you shouldn’t.

Post # 5
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think that you need to have a serious conversation about your health concerns and let him know that while it was easy and possible for his parents to have biological kids at that age, it might not be the same situation for you. Sure, you could probably use IVF to have them at the age his parents had kids, but if you can avoid the cost and heartache of going through that, you should. And, not to be a total Debbie Downer, but you have to decide if you’re willing to stay in a relationship where the timelines don’t match up. It means someone is always going to be disappointed. And since you can’t force someone to marry you, it sounds like you’ll be the disappointed one. I hope none of this comes off as mean or anything.

Post # 6
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@wederly:   I don’t think you are going to get what you want so maybe you should begin modifying your expectations. Whether that means leaving and starting over (doubt you will be married in two years time) or staying and hoping this doesnt go on forever.



I agree, if you are not getting what you want from the relationship, then maybe time to move on.  You cannot make a guy want to get married sooner than he wants. 

Post # 7
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I dont want to sound harsh, but this is a really bad way to start a marriage with someone. It take two people to make a relationship work and you can’t pressure the other person to move at the pace you want. If you truely want to be married to this man then you will have to give him time. Based on your post though, the fact you would even consider leaving him because he doesnt want to get married soon enough for you means one of two things

#1you are not ready for marriage because you are focusing too much on your wants and needs while ignoring your partners. At the same time comparing yourself to your friends is not a good thing.

#2 You are with the wrong guy and it is time to move on

Post # 8
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I believe part of the reason is biological. Probably because I am a biologist! Anyway, women ovulate about 400 to 500 eggs in a lifetime and have a limited time to reproduce. Hence, women are biologically driven to marry during their “prime” child-bearing years – their 20s. Men, can produced sperm until the day they die unless there is something physically wrong with them. Thus they can father a child later in life and are less driven to marry. For example, my uncle fathered a child with his, ahem, 6th wife when he was 70 years old!

Of course there are like a million exceptions to what I just posted but I do believe my hypothesis may be at least partially correct.

Post # 9
240 posts
Helper bee

I can understand your wanting to have children at a younger age. I think there are millions of women that want the same thing for all sorts of reasons, and I don’t see anything wrong with it. But your Boyfriend or Best Friend is clearly telling you he’s not ready for kids – not now, maybe not even in the next 5 years – and you need to respect that. He’s also saying that he doesn’t want to rush into getting married, and though you’ve been dating 8 years…again, you need to respect his wishes.

I KNOW that it’s hard, especially when you’re so clear on what you want. You sound like a planner; your boyfriend sounds like he’s more laid back and wants to take things as they come. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to compromise in situations like these. You can’t half get married or have half a kid. Someone has to give.

However, whining and nagging is not the way to try and change your bf’s position. If anything, that is THE OPPOSITE of what you should be doing. You need to understand his point of view, especially on the kids thing. Once you have children, there is no going back to how your relationship and life was before you had kids. Why does he want to wait. Finances? To travel/live life more? Is he just not mentally or emotionally ready? These are all valid reasons that need to be talked about.

I suspect that it might boil down to the fact that you are both just in different places in your lives, and you might need to decide whether you want to wait for the things you want with the man you’re currently with, or whether you feel it’s better to move on.

Post # 10
11500 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think prior posters have assessed the situation pretty well.  You both seem to want different things — or some of the same things, but on very different timelines.  No one should be coerced or feel pressured into complying with someone else’s timeline if he or she does not feel the same way.

However, this is not at all to minimize what you want for your own life or even why it’s so important to you.  As someone who has had some health issues that have complicated my own desire to be a mother, I definitely can relate to your concerns. However, in my case, none of the relationships that I had during what would be considered to be my prime childbearing years ever turned out to be the right relationship to lead to marriage. I even had to break my first engagement — at the age of 30 no less — because even though my former Fiance was an incredbily awesome guy, we both eventually came to the realization that we were just not on the same path spiritually.  Breaking an engagement to the greatest, nicest, sweetest, most wonderful, and also best-looking guy I had ever met in my life up until that time was one of THE most difficult things that I ever had to do.  However, when I looked at what was MOST important to me in my life (in my case, following the path God had for my life), I had to make that truly difficult choice.  And, I will add that I felt certain that the guy God had for me would show up pretty quickly after that — but he didn’t.  It was, believe it or not, about 15 years later that I finally met and married my DH.  So, even though MY plan was to have a baby while I was still young, that’s just not how things unfolded for me. However, even though I didn’t marry until I was in my mid to late 40s, I still haven’t totally given up the hope that I could still become a mother. (And, to my surprise, the man I eventually married already has four great children — two adults, and two now-mid teenagers. Plus, one of my stepkids is married and has a baby, so I have even been blessed to become a “Mimi” to THE most beautiful and precious little baby girl!)

One of the very painful things about becoming so very involved at such a young age is that, sometimes, it seems as if there is just no question that this person is the person you’re meant to be with forever. It’s as if people think, “If we’ve been together THIS long, of course we’re going to get married.”  And, sometimes that does happen. Sometimes, childhood sweethearts really do end up together.  However, sometimes, the length of time that you’ve been in a relationship ends up making you feel stuck in or trapped in a situation that, in the light of day, as you both grow older and change, one or both of you suddenly comes to the realization that you just want different things out of life.

I hope that you are able to sort through what is important to you, @Rose89:, and that you have a wonderful life. 🙂  

Post # 11
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think maybe you and he should take a break from each other and assess if this is the relationship you really want for yourselves. I can SO relate to you because I was in a very similar relationship. Highschool sweethearts and I loved my ex with all my heart, he was everything and I thought we were SO PERFECT for each other. But when I got close to finishing school and I was really ready to get married after that, I realized he was really NOT ready. Even though we had talked about getting married after school (when we were in high school), when the reality of the situation arose, my ex just felt like he was too young to be married. He said he wanted to spend at least 5+ years in a career and be really settled in his own life before he started a joint life with me, and he was looking at age 30 as well. It was basically the only thing we fought about. Basically I finally realized that he was putting his personal life/career goals ahead of me. So– I ended it. And it was the WORST. THING. EVER. And we did a lot of talking after that about whether we had made the right decision because the love was there— but we just wanted such different things for our lives. 

Then lo and behold, not 6 months later I met my now husband. And even though we had a slow start (we were both getting over ex’s), I eventually realized that with him we had both the love AND the same vision of our life. And there was no fighting or drama. There was only love and dating and a ring and marriage. I married him at 26, 5 years after I ended it with my ex… and even though if I had stuck it out with my ex he might have changed his mind and married me earlier… in the end it wasn’t about getting married as fast as possible. It was about marrying someone that wanted to marry me because he couldn’t imagine going another year without being married to me— not marrying someone I negotiated a ring out of. 

Post # 12
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Rose89:  I don’t think its fair to force him into something he’s not ready for.  You mentioned your timeline and your reasons for wanting to stick to it (and you’re being reasonable) and his timeline… but what are his reasons for wanting to wait?  I really suggest you sit down and really talk this out (sans margaritas!) and make sure you hear him and he hears you.

I have to say I don’t like his response of “we can just adopt.”  WTF?  First – that’s a big decision to make.  Second – it’s really important to many women to have their own children, experience childbirth, etc.  His reasoning is childish, and frankly disrespectful to you as a woman.

I don’t want to say break up with him if he doesn’t make a move, clearly you two have been together a while and I can’t say whether or not it’s worth losing him over this dilemma.  Only you know the answer to that. 

Start with step one – communicate.  Really talk about this and hear each other out.  And don’t be afraid to say what you’ve said here.  Just stay calm, express your feelings, ask the right questions, and listen to him.  Good luck.

Post # 13
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

View original reply
@CorgiTales:  Two Thumbs Up from me… this is what I would have said, but she’s done so well I have nothing to add, other than take care of YOU and your needs… figure out what it is you want, and follow that path.

If it means leaving so be it… at some point, you’ll come across Mr Right on that same path… and because he is a MAN and more mature, he’ll be soooo busy trying to marry you (BECAUSE you are so AMAZING that he doesn’t want to run the chance of losing you), that you’ll wonder what you ever saw in your childhood sweetheart.

(( HUGS ))


Post # 14
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I believed in timelines until I read the book 20 Something, 20 Everything. In the book, she discusses living in the now and allowing relationships to flourish on their own. What I took away from it, timelines set you up for disappointment and failure when you don’t meet the milestones you so rigidly set yourself up for. You are so focused on the timeline you are not allowing yourself to enjoy life or your relationship for what it is. 

I also don’t think this is a situation of timelines matching up but more of a he’s telling you who he is and you’re not listening. He is a person who does not want to get married until he’s in his 30’s and he’s obviously not going to budge on that. If he were going to budge you would have been engaged a long time ago. I also believe that if a man wants to be with you he will do everything in his power to do that. Which in this case, would have been becoming engaged to you and marrying you.

Post # 15
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Also, don’t discount the influences of familial/cultural/regional upbringing. I come from a family, region and social background where people tend not to get married until their late 20s/early 30s and then have kids in their 30s. And at least in my family, those who did marry in their early-mid 20s ended up getting divorced and getting remarried in their 30s. My father was one of those divorced in 20s, married in 30s people and he has always stresed to me not marrying young. This has had a HUGE influence on me and now that I’m dating someone who is from a culture where people do marry and start families young, I’ve been having a hard time breaking out of my “20s is for fun, 30s is for family” mindset. I think I’ve been dismissive of his feelings and I need to work on that. Anyway, just giving you the perspective as someone on the other side.

Post # 16
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Honestly, it comes down to which one you want more. A life with your boyfriend or biological children. Of course there is a strong chance you can/will have both. But you have to decide that if one had to go, which one would it be? That is a decision YOU must make. You cannot pressure your boyfriend into marrying you. He either wants to now or he doesnt, and he seems like he doesnt. 24 is really young for a guy to be thinking about marriage, even if you’ve been together forever. It makes sense that he doesnt think that way since his family raised him to not think that way.

In the end – if you are sure he WILL propose but just later, and everything about him is fantastic, you shouldn’t worry so much about the marriage. You should be happy you’ve found an amazing guy in life. However, if you really need to be married now and really want children much sooner than later, then he is not the guy for you simple as that. But coercing him to propose or having children earlier than he is ready will be DISASTROUS. Good luck!

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