Boyfriend can't handle my stress

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8386 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

that’s a tough one and i see both ways.  you are only 4 months into your relationship, so it’s a lot of stuff going on that i can understand someone doesn’t want to make a commitment to. how does he know bad stuff just won’t keep following you.  it is not like you’ve been in a relationship for a while then dealing with this stuff.

is there anyway you can telework a few days a week to alleviate some of the stress of an 80 minute commute?  i would also be looking for another job.

Post # 3
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Dragonfly715 :  

I say this as a fellow gad sufferer, have you tried therapy? Gad magnifies everything and it sounds like life has thrown you for a loop lately.

I know you guys promised to be each other’s rocks and what not but it is really, really difficult to be with someone who is nothing but negative and only wears you down.

Gad can also affect you physically, I’m not saying that to discount your injuries from your accident, but it could be exacerbating the problem.

Life is always going to throw wrenches, it’s easy to be happy when things are easy and it’s difficult to remain positive when you are down on your luck. It’s twice as hard to remain positive when you have mental illness as well, when things get tough. We have to work twice as hard to maintain positivity and healthy mindsets.

If you’ve been to therapy before (I’m assuming you have, or at least saw a psych to get the gad diagnosis) it’s a good time to start up again. If you go now, bring this topic up. And if you’ve never gone before, you really should go, because it will help you through the tough times.

Post # 4
Member
1924 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow you have been through alot! That would be tough for anyone bee. But it isn’t fair to take it out on your BF. I don’t think you should paste a happy face on and fake it, but maybe looking at therapy to vent to, a new job, what about physical therapy/massage for your pains (should be covered by insurance?). I too have a long commute and try to book appointments after work NEAR work so that by the time they are done traffic is dying down. So it will take an hour or two away from your time together (ie a massage or therapy session), but if you FEEL better you’ll have more QUALITY time together. 

 

Post # 5
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

The problem is that your relationship is relatively new and possibly haven’t established the “good things” yet that make the stress handling worth it. I can see how he is feeling like it is too much and becomes uncertain. He doens  have the good times to compare it to. But do.you really want to spend to life with someone who leaves when you are not at your best?

Post # 6
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is hard.  I understand your perspective as someone who also has high anxiety and can’t handle stress well.  But I can also see his side because I go through it with my husband.  He gets episodes of depression, not anxiety, but he can be so negative.  It really is exhausting to deal with.  It sucks the joy out of everything.  I find myself changing my behavior to avoid his mood swing triggers because it’s a week of hell if I don’t.  

And I mean this in the kindest possible way, but what you’re describing are normal stresses.  Nightmare boss, unemployment, short staffed, sick pets, car accidents.  I mean, it’s a lot for such a short period of time but life is stressful.  It could be that he’s seeing a lifetime of how it will be when you deal with normal stressers.  Maybe he’s concerned how life would be with the big stressers, like a serious illness, disability or major financial problems.  Adding kids into the mix can make it much worse if that’s in your long-term plan.

Try to find a new job.  Hopefully you’re being treated for your anxiety.  Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
846 posts
Busy bee

Unfortunately, to be honest, I kind of see where he’s coming from. I might even have done the same thing, as well. Yes, you both wanted to find someone to be with in sickness and health, good times and bad. But that vow is made more around the time of marriage-not 4 months into a relationship. Four months into a relationship is not really ‘serious’-it’s that time when you’re still trying to figure out the feel of a person. And honestly, this is a LOT of stuff. I understand being dressed about it all, but might just be WAY too much for him. And he’s totally within his right to feel that way. Frankly, it doesn’t seem likely he’ll want to stay in the relationship. I think it’s probably best that you focus on yourself right now, too. It doesn’t seem like you’re happy where you’re at (both location wise and job wise) and you could dedicate all your time into fixing that situation. Sorry, bee, but I see where he’s coming from. If I was him and only had been dating someone for 4 months, I’d probably jump ship too ☹

Post # 8
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

I think your best bet is to really come to grips with what you have going on during this week the two of you will spend apart. He’s nervous that this will end up being your permanent state, and that he’s going to be stuck with someone negative who he previously thought was wonderful. He can’t carry you through life; support, yes… carry, no.

So… improving your quality of life so you can wear this happy face he needs is super important, and you need to be able to show him that you’re legitimately taking steps to make positive changes that will lead to positive results. See a psychiatrist and figure out a better way to deal with your GAD. There are low-grade anti-depressants and other medications that can help with anxiety without having to pull out the big guns, although it’s never bad to have something like ativan on hand for your meltdown moments, if you have those. Also, have you been to see a doctor about your whiplash and your resulting pain? There are exercises you can do to alleviate the pain you get from sitting so long driving. Perhaps yoga, or prescribed massages?

I think you need to start thinking of solutions and presenting them to your boyfriend so he knows you’re truly doing everything you can and just need more time to get past this. I can’t blame him for wanting out if his quality of life is suffering, as well. A relationship should enhance the lives of both people in it.

Post # 9
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think it’s so much all the bad stuff that’s happened to you that’s driving him away, it’s how you react to those bad situations. Sorry I don’t have much advice. It’s an unfortunate situation but I do see where he’s coming from. 

Post # 10
Member
1121 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Yes, a partner should be there in good times and bad. However, you can’t expect him to be your therapist. It’s not fair to dump everything on him. It’s time to get some professional help. Also, think of ways that you can improve your outlook and make your days better—gardening, baths, manicures—whatever works. 

Post # 12
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

Dragonfly715 :  I’m also wondering if you are currently getting therapy or are on medication for GAD.

Being someone’s emotional cheerleader and rock all.the.time. is exhausting. Quite frankly, if my new SO said very early on in our relationship that they were looking for me to be their rock and not leave when things got bad, I would really be hesistant.  I don’t have GAD so you can take what I say with a grain of salt, but I do get anxious an awful lot.  I have learned that I can’t turn to my FI for everything, that I need to learn to self soothe.  For me, that means going to the gym, or taking a hot shower, or maybe it’s something as simple as walking out of the room. 

I agree you’re going through a lot and everything seems exacerbated by your anxiety but honestly, and I’m not saying this to be mean, what you have gone through is nothing compared to some people, and you need to put that into perspective.  You have an hour commute – where I live, that’s normal.  Most people have longer.  You got all reved up for Irma, but you didn’t lose anything.  Your cat was sick but he’s OK now.  If you’re an emotional wreck with everything, yeah, I can kind of see why your boyfriend would be a bit weary, which is why I asked to begin with if you’re doing anything for yourself.

And you know what?  Some people just can’t handle emotions.  One of my friends dated a guy several years ago who couldn’t handle her.  She was not diagnosed at the time with anxiety, but looking back, it’s clear she was.  She was negative Nancy around him all the time.  Even her friends told her that she was pushing him away with her constant negativity.  She couldn’t self soothe at all and always looked to him to make things better.  After a while he just couldn’t handle it anymore.  I don’t think it made him a bad person, but one person can’t always be the superhero for the other.  He also told her that seeing how she handled things, he was afraid of her not being able to be there for him if/when shit hit the fan.  It has to be a two way street.

I don’t mean that to sound harsh and I apologize if it does.

Post # 13
Member
3585 posts
Sugar bee

Dragonfly715 :  What type of treatment are you receiving/pursuing for your GAD?

If you’d been together for two years and had six months of difficulty I’m sure it would be easier for him to deal with and know there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But if you’ve been dealing with challenges and been negative and pessimistic for most of your relationship it’s not hard to understand why he may be questioning things. Also–you agreed to be there for each other. How are you being his rock right now?

Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
3585 posts
Sugar bee

Dragonfly715 :  Your SO is telling you that it IS that bad, for him. Discounting how much this is wearing on him and that he is unhappy isn’t going to help your situation–it doesn’t sound like a great relationship for him. 

You’ll have to decide if it’s worth working on your issues to make the relationship work or if you’re willing to let this relationship go. 

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