Boyfriend confirmed that next year will be the year. Made the wait worse

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
3290 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think you have to find a way not to think about this. Otherwise, every day next year you are going to anticipating a proposal. There are plenty of threads about bees overhyping events because they know a proposal is coming and then comes the resentment. Try not to live that life. Forget he said this… you are technically engaged anyway.

Post # 18
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Distract yourself and do all the things that would be a little harder with a fiancé in tow and prioritise your independence. 

Post # 19
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

My culture is similar, though I am not Indian. It is frowned upon to have a “boyfriend” in general or for a long period of time. Thankfully,  my family is a bit more open minded. However, my bf met my parents, but did not attend family gatherings with extended family until it became more serious  (he got baptized in our church). 

I understand the culture and I understand the rules. However,  in my situation,  he made sure to do everything and anything possible to make me happy and my family happy – it was important to him as well. 

If a man wants to marry you hes not going to say in 1 or 2 years etc to be engaged, that’s silly.  

So much can happen in a year or two – personally, I wouldnt wait around (also given the culture) 

Post # 20
Member
5862 posts
Bee Keeper

weatherbee :  Since you’ve already agreed on a date and are engaged, I think the two of you need to backtrack from this date to see when your ‘official’ proposal/ sit down with parents needs to take place. Some questions to consider: 

1. Can both sets of parents meet up easily, or is there distance between them that will take time and planning to bring them together? 

2. Do you want a large wedding/ have a particular venue in mind? Some venues fill up 18-24 months in advance. And you will have to co-ordinate the date with the ceremony/ officiant as well. 

 

Post # 22
Member
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

weatherbee :  

We’re waiting until our parents meet each other. In our culture the parents only really meet when its time to book the venues and start the wedding planning process. I can only really introduce him as a soon to be fiance, not as a boyfriend.

Well given your parents live 10 min apart ( I was thinking it must be different  continents  the way you phrased it ) so that arranging a meeting is easy , and  given it is not done to intro  him as boyfriend  , why not get engaged now/soon  so you don’t have  to? Particularly as you say it takes  2 years to plan a wedding .

I would have thought , especially in a strict and traditional culture,   parents would demand  to meet a man well before his engagement to their daughter so they can have an input into his suitablilty.   Are you keeping him a secret from them until the far-off proposal  happens? And then you’ll  say ‘hey here is my about-to-be-fiance?’

What of his parents ?  Do they know about you ?   I have to  say OP, it all sounds very problematic and though you claim to be in control to the extent of  setting that (far off) wedding date ,  it  doesnt really sound like an adult planning her future  , more like girlish excitement with next to no input in the realities of it all. 

Perhaps you are very young and have masses of time to ‘wait’ ? If so  please take  all our advice  and do other , autonomous  stuff in case this   ‘plan’ falls through .
 

ETAI just read your other  thread and feel even less good about it all. Did  you also have another thread  under another  name maybe  , something about this  seems very familar to me , the boyfriend being well-known  to your family but you are  both keeping secret the real nature of your relationship for not very clear reasons.  It’s not as if you are particularly young and I assume he is even  older . I don’t doubt your intentions in the slightest , but his…….idk….

Post # 25
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

elderbee :  I thought the same. Same tone and mentality in the other threads too, but I can’t find it now for some reason. 

Her response to your comment is very telling.  

 

weatherbee :  I sincerely hope it works out for you.

That being said,  given the culture,  I find it hard to believe that your parents would be okay with you dating someone for so long without being engaged.

Your culture is similar to mine,  and though some families do not follow it like others,  my family is very open minded, and had it not been for my bf making an out of state move and working on getting settled, they would of not approved of our 2.5 years of dating before an engagement.

Thankfully him becoming a part of the church showed them that he was serious and they felt at ease that I wasn’t wasting my time. 

I know 100% my family would of thought I was insane had I been thinking about vendors etc for a 2020 wedding without a ring.  

 

Something about this leaves me unsettled.  Again,  I hope it works out,  but I just don’t think it will.  My suggestion,  take it or leave it,  is to focus on you and become independent of him in case it does fall through. 

Post # 26
Member
7749 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t know why everyone’s jumping down your throat! It sounds like you and your SO are on the same page re: timelines and you are just getting antsy cause now you know the engagement is in the next year or so rather than next 24 months. You sound excited, not distraught or questioning whether your SO will ever actually get on with it. These responses are baffling to me. Unless I’m missing something?

Post # 27
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

Not even sure why there is a “wait” if you’ve both settled on a wedding date. 

Post # 29
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

Help on how to deal with excitement- 

Find something else to keep preoccupied with.

Find an extra job and save money.

Get your credit together.

Get a hobby.

Learn something new.

Focus on finishing school.

 

While 2018 is coming up shortly, you have to understand that 2018 also includes 12/31/2018, which is about a year and a half away. He gave you the answer on which year- store the information and act like it didn’t happen. Do not get upset with him for not proposing until 1/1/2019- but since you said he is clear on his intentions, you shouldn’t have that problem. 

Good luck bee!

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