(Closed) Boyfriend doesn't like ring I fell in love with. Advice?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: What needs to happen here?

    Stop being a brat and accept you need to compromise

    Your boyfriend should focus more on what you love

    Something else I'll explain in the comments

  • Post # 92
    Member
    658 posts
    Busy bee

    For what it’s worth with the ring situation I had something similar. 

    I always thought I wanted something non-traditional and vintage looking – a bit like the Heidi Gibson designs. My Fiance made no attempts to hide the fact that he hated those rings and basically disliked anything that wasn’t a traditional solitaire. Nothing else ‘looked like’ an engagement ring to him and the Heidi Gibson rings were downright ‘ugly’ 🙄

    Nevertheless when we got engaged he said I could pick whatever I wanted, despite what he thought. 

    In the end I did pick a traditional solitaire (that we both love) but partly because I didn’t WANT a ring that he didn’t like. I didn’t like the idea of him looking at my hand and seeing something negative (to him). 

    The point is – my boyfriend had similar views to yours but he did the right thing in ultimately letting me decide. It really doesnt sit right that your future husband wants to control something that YOU have to wear all the time and that you have to love. 

    Where does that end? What will be next? Your clothes, your friends? 

    I hope I’m wrong but I’ve been in a relationship like that before bee and it’s so difficult to see from the inside, and so easy to make excuses for their behaviour because you WANT them to be right for you. 

    I hope you do whatever is best for you x

     

    Post # 93
    Member
    2359 posts
    Buzzing bee

    So basically he was able to determine what he wants but he’s at a loss to think of what you want. After 5 years together. 

    Bee I’m a teacher too and I get the desire to want to ‘help’ but honestly this is too much help. You have turned your boyfriend into your student. I get that this feels sort of natural to you and you make the best of a bad situation but it’s still a bad situation. Do you not see how your tone regarding him is sort of motherly? You are used to ‘teaching’ and being the ‘authority’ and he is content to let you do all the work while you make excuse after excuse of how he’s young, his family dynamics, he’s anxious and overwhelmed, etc. In a healthy relationship you are marrying a man, not a student or child you have to lead. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s simulataneously allowing you to be the leader here and then also getting angsty at you for being the leader and punishing you for it. He wants you to do the work but also wants to sit around and get pissy that you are doing the work. No thanks. 

    He is not ready for marriage, and honestly neither are you. You can’t be the more mature one if you are excusing everything and turning a blind eye to issues, the time to get married to someone is when you have worked most of these things out. You’ve spent most of your 20s with this person and at this point it seems like you are digging your heels in because you’ve already spent this much time with him, but this is a really unhealthy dynamic. 

    I’m not saying you need to break up. But these are major issues that need to get resolved and it sounds like you both have problems with communication. You do too much and he does too little. Delay marriage and figure out your issues. Then the ring and the ceremony and all of that won’t be contentious. If you continue like this then it really sounds like a divorce in the making. 

    Post # 94
    Member
    7229 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2016

    View original reply
    Taylor11 :  Alison Armstrong has talked quite a bit, in her work, about some of the challenges of hetero couples being the same age because it so often results in the female partner being at a more mature place in her life than the male partner and can create a vibe of competition and power struggles rather than collaborative growth. Not for everyone, but often enough that she has spoken on it several times.

    You and your SO sound like you have that dynamic, coupled with your partner being the baby of the family, and all of those behavioral things that can be tied to it (like being hella selfish and inconsiderate of others).

    I think most guys are socialized to be more selfish than women, too, though. Selfishness is tagged as the most terrible thing to be for girls and it gets shamed out of us from a very young age. Guys get less of that, even now in more egalitarian households. What you described about your SO sounds like someone who is immature and selfish but not impossible to grow with (if you are okay with often being the one to hit those maturity markers first- some women just aren’t).

    I’m wary of situations where we sit down and speak with our partners and they take the chance to be honest and reveal some less than desirable aspect of themselves and that becomes the proof that they are a dealbreaker. Your SO was being a shit about the ring, the two of you spoke about it, some genuine honesty came up and out from him that explained why he was doing what he was doing. It got you more on the same page and you are getting the ring you said that you loved (if you don’t, then the conversations were just blah blah blah, imo). He is not magically going to be a new person in this situation, but you have been seeing these aspects of his character in the years you have been together and still choosing to be with him thus far. If you can continue to have conversations where the why of a thing can come out and reveal itself- to me, that is a sign that you can grow together- whether you marry now or in a couple years after more focused maturation on his end. That is why marriage planning can be such a powerful initiation for a couple- it’s a chance to work together in concentrated intensity and it can bring you closer together or reveal that maybe you shouldn’t be together after all.

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