Post # 1
Hi everyone! New to the board. I’ve been trying to research if anyone else has been having this issue or what can be done to help it:
I’ve been married once before, and my boyfriend has been engaged once before. We each were the initiators in ending each of these previous relationships.
We’ve been together 2 years and talk of marriage has come up numerous times throughout our relationship. I am all for it, and he would be too, except that recently he’s been dwelling on the fact that I’ve already been married and he doesn’t want to be my “second” husband. He isn’t sure he can “get over it” and so our relationship is on the line.
This was in no way an issue when we first started dating, so I don’t know why it’s become a thing now. He says he just doesn’t understand people that can marry someone who has already been married before (both his parents are divorced and remarried–he says he’s felt weird about that too).
Anyone else out there have experience with this type of situation? Any insight is appreciated!
Post # 2
This is an excuse. I suggest a deep talk to get to the bottom of the real issue is in order. I’m pretty sure he knew you were married before dating you and in the last 2 years he has had thousands of moments where he could have brought this up. Bringing this up now, while you guys are talking future, signals that he is using this as a crutch to get out of a relationship with you.
Post # 3
Totally agree with PP. This seems like an “easy” way out. He “can’t get over it?!?!?” pffffft.
Good luck on talking to him. And you also have to make a decision about what you want.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
He doesn’t want to be the second husband, but you being the second fiance is cool? I feel like there’s a deeper issue here for sure.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2015 - Bellagio, Las Vegas
It’s insecurity more than anything. It’s his issue to work through, not yours. He needs to see a therapist. It’s not fair to you to stay in a relationship that he is second guessing based on something both of you have zero control over.
Post # 6
You can’t change your past. He knows this. If he can’t get past this, do you really want to marry him anyway?
Post # 7
…he’s kidding, right? I agree that it’s an excuse, and a piss poor one. (Pardon my language, but seriously.) Deep talk time, as some other bees have already said.
Post # 8
Stop wasting your time with this guy
Post # 9
I definitely agree with everyone else on this one. If he doesn’t want to be someone’s 2nd husband and marriage is important to you, then there are only 2 options. One of you has to change your stance or this isn’t the man for you and you would need to exit the relationship.
Post # 10
Honestly, I think you need to believe him on this. He is basically telling you that marriage is off the table. Cut your losses and end the relationship.
This whole thing sounds very gamey to me. Some people can’t get past a prior marriage. Those people don’t then start dating someone who is divorced. I agree with pp that this is a piss poor excuse.
Post # 11
I appreciate everyone weighing in on this. I honestly believe it to be BS as well–not in the sense that he’s lying to me, but that he would make a big deal over something so beyond my control…it’s very unforgiving and uncompassionate.
A little background: My boyfriend and I first started dating in 8th grade for about 6 months. I was his first girlfriend, his first kiss, etc. We broke up and exited each other’s lives for about 13 years.
My marriage and his engagement were both about 5-6 year-relationships apiece, and both ended about the same time. We ended up reconnecting over facebook several months afterwards.
When we broke up years ago, it took me a LONG time to get over him (of course, right?)…I still had kept the promise ring he had given me! In our current relationship he gave me a beautiful promise ring (which looks and costs as much as an engagement ring) so now I wear both.
He knew from the beginning that I had been married. In fact, I was still “separated” and wasn’t technically divorced yet when we started dating. The divorce finalized last year. I don’t talk to my ex. We didn’t have kids or property together so he is out of the picture all the way.
My boyfriend and I love each other very much. In general he refuses to go to counseling for anything and wants to deal with this issue himself and get over it in his own way. But that takes time, and he isn’t sure he can do it.
Post # 12
Oh, that’s mature. NOT. It sounds like he is looking for an excuse. Loving you for the unique individual that you are and wanting to journey through his life with you by his side is what marriage is about, not who you were with in the past. WTH???
Post # 13
I’ll put on my flame suit. 😉
I would marry a widower but not someone who is divorced. Personal preference. However, I would make it clear from the beginning that this is my choice and would never had entered the courtship in the first place. So, maybe he felt similarly and intended to just date you rather than fall in love? IDK. Either way, he should have been very honest up front, if that is his feeling on the matter of being a “2nd husband.” Just my $0.02.
Post # 14
I call bullshit! This just seems like a lame-ass excuse. He just does not want to get married.
Post # 15
Well, then I don’t know why he’s been wasting your time. If he didnt want to be someone’s second husband then he should have cut it off at the beginning. Thank god my (2nd!) husband didn’t feel this way!