Post # 1
My boyfriend is going on a cruise with his family. A family member is getting married and having a honeymoon and they invited everyone so they can get the two sides of their families together to celebrate. I was invited but opted about because of several reasons.
-Don’t have the cash right now as I just got back from a summer vacation and medical bills like crazy.
-I have a child (previous marriage) and he is in school at that time and not willing to take him out.
-I have a vestibular disorder, which going on a cruise would make worse. The main reason for not going.
-Find it odd to go on someone’s honeymoon especially when I am not part of their family. I would be the only non-family member there. Their entire point is to have the two families blend together and I just feel out of place. There is no current marriage timeline in place for me to think these people may be my family someday. No one is making me feel not part of this, it is just a feeling I have on my own.
I am happy that my boyfriend is going because his family has not always gotten along in the past. To have a family vacation like this would be good for them and for him.
My problem is I am feeling totally jealous and left out even though it was my decision to not go. I feel bad about these feelings but I have them anyways.
-I asked him to stay back with me and he said no because he didn’t know if he would have another chance to do this with his family. I was married before and we always made decisions that our family unit came first. If I other couldn’t make it to a vacation or vice versa we opted out of going. That was just us. Only once he went somewhere without me because I had to stay back but he went because he was standing up in a wedding and was only there for two days. Usually, we liked being together as a family unit doing things. That came first. I feel like my boyfriend is not there. He thinks of him and his family first and not us and it saddens me as it feels like he is picking them over me. However, I feel since we aren’t a family and only a live-in unmarried couple, I shouldn’t expect the same response that I had when I was in a marriage because it is different. Even though I know this in my head my feelings feel something else. I think it stems from even if we were married I still think he would do what he would not instead of doing things as a family. I still think we as a couple would come first in his life. He is a very independent person. Never married. No kids. The older guys are not married I feel they are so set in their ways and hard to transition to being a we.
-He never misses me when we are apart and I feel forgotten a lot when he is out with his friends. Makes me feel like when he is on the trip he won’t even think about me. When I came back from a long weekend baby shower he said he didn’t miss me when I asked about his lack of excitement to see me. I asked him why and it was because he said that I was only gone for three days and we talked on the phone every day. I wasn’t expecting a crazy miss you seen but I guess still expected something. This trip is longer and we won’t be able to talk but still feel like he won’t miss me and that makes me feel sad. Maybe he will miss me this time being a long trip with no contact, but not sure. Also when he is out with his friends drinking it is like I don’t exist most of the time. So again I can only figure when he is partying hard with his family, they are all big drinkers, that he won’t even be thinking of me.
-He is a looker. He has never touched but with lots of drinking and me not being there it makes me feel weird imagining him just staring at all the girls while drunk at the bar or pool since technically he will be alone there without me to call him out. Everyone else is coupled up. He has never cheated nor do I feel like he will, however, I still have those thoughts of him flirting while drunk, staring at girls, etc. He said that he wouldn’t be doing stuff like that since he would not do that to me regardless and why would he do that in front of his family to only show them all what a terrible guy he is to me. I trust him but with him drinking a lot, knowing he is a looker, and knowing he has a room to himself it still makes me feel insecure.
-I am jealous he is going to have fun while I get to stay home taking care of a child. This is maybe just a parent thing. Never feeling like you can get out and have fun.
Is if this is normal to have jealousy and insecurity about these things? I am frustrated at why I am being this insure about things as I think I am old enough to not let this stuff bother me but I still have these jealousy feelings of him not going to miss me, him looking/flirting, him having fun without me.
Any tips on making me feel better that it is ok to have these feeling and any tips on how to get over these feeling would be much appreciated.
I do really want my boyfriend to have fun with his family as this is a good thing for him.
Post # 2
Idk a lot of these seem kind of irrational. You are mad at him for not considering you family. But yet YOU use that same excuse as a reason not to go! You are also jealous about him looking at other girls without you “there to call him out”, are you his girlfriend or his parent? The only thing that might be slightly plausable is that he said he “didn’t miss you”, which is a weird thing to say. I would assume after a full week and NOT talking every day that he would, but I guess time will tell.
On a side note, I know many people that are excited when their spouse goes away for a weekend – they plan to do all the stuff their spouse doesnt like (ex watch trashy tv/non stop sports, eat unhealthy food etc). So maybe he found it nice to have a break from a spouse and their child for a few days. I still think its weird to straight up tell someone “nah I didnt miss you” though!
Post # 3
I can’t believe you asked him not to go on a family trip after you declined an invite to said trip.
How long have you been together?
I understand feeling a little jealous, like you’re missing out on a fun time but you sound really insecure in your relationship and that’s not normal or healthy.
Post # 4
sunnybug10 : I stopped reading after you got mad at him for going without you (after YOU declined the invitation) and putting his family first especially after he said he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to do this with his family again. You are being INCREDIBLY selfish and irrational. You don’t need a relationship, you need therapy. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh with you, but you are being very selfish and if I were him I would really be considering whether I want to be with someone who acts this way.
Post # 5
I can understand being jealous but I hope you are gracious and wish him good time.
What stands out to me the most is that you expect your boyfriend to fit into the mold of what you used to have – you indicate “he’s not there yet” about not going, and other things.
but he’s NOT your ex. He has different wants, expectations, and needs. Maybe it’s not a biggie for him to do things as a unit and also as individuals. You need to figure out you guys as a couple, not just what you are used to and liked in previous relationships. He’s not a puzzle piece to be snapped into the big picture.
FWIW, I think it’s fine if he elected to go after you said no. Tbh it’s a more than a bit controlling to expect it even ask him to stay back because it suited you better.
Post # 6
Well, you can’t control how you feel. If you feel jealous and left out, that’s somewhat understandable. It also sounds like you understand logically it is not reasonable to expect him to put you before his family, yet you are still disappointed/frustrated when he does not.
Again, you can’t help how you feel, but I find it pretty appalling that you asked him to skip a potential once in a lifetime event because you didn’t want to go. You can control what you do with your feelings, and this was a gross overstep, in my opinion.
As far as feeling like you are “out of sight, out of mind” when he travels- that is a different issue entirely. Perhaps you have different levels of investment in your relationship, perhaps he is just as invested but likes to focus on what’s going on in his life at the moment rather than ruminating over what is missing. Who can know but you and him.
My advice is, tell him to have fun, ask him to keep in touch while he can (not sure how available he’d be on a cruise), and try to plan some fun things for yourself while he is gone.
Post # 7
I can’t imagine asking my Fiance to skip a family wedding/trip just because I chose not to go, or even if I really couldn’t go.
You are allowed to have your own life while in a relationship. He is allowed to have his own life while in a relationship. Your expectations don’t sound very healthy, Bee. Why did you and your ex divorce? Did you seek counseling to deal with those issues after your divorce? If not–it’s time.
Post # 8
I think you need to come to terms with the fact that these feelings, while you can’t necessarily help having them, aren’t particularly rational.
You’re upset because he is choosing to go on a family trip that you were invited on but declined. What? Of course you ought to be a priority, but the idea that you never ever do anything without the other is possessive and pretty extreme.
My FH and I do things separately ALL THE TIME! In the time we have been together, I have gone out with friends several times without him, he has too. I have flown to my home province to visit my family a c ouple times without him because he didn’t want to use up the vacation days, etc. I’ve gone on a handful of weekend backpacking trips without him. Heck, in a couple of weeks I am going on a week long lake house vacation with friends without him because he just started a new job and isn’t able to get the time off but he encouraged me to still go because he knew I really wanted to. I go out of town for a few days at a time for work quite frequently and I don’t expect him to miss me terribly since, doi, it is only a few days and we text the whole time anyways.
I really think you need to take a step back and examine why it is that you have such a hard time with the idea of him doing things without you. There are some obvious insecurities there and I don’t think it would be a bad idea to work with a professional to sort through them.
Post # 9
I can understand being a little jealous that is he on a cruise and you are unable to go… everything else I am sorry is not normal.
First of all, you are comparing him to your ex HUSBAND.. this guy is your boyfriend I am sorry but as if this moment if you havent even had a discussion anywhere close to marriage he is not your family so expecting him to treat that way is absurd and especially putting you in front of them and him not going on vacation with his actual family..
There is tons of insecurity in this post and I don’t think its either healthy nor normal.. especially if you have a child that you need to teach how to be confident and happy .. this is not great.
Your boyfriend did nothing in the wrong here, I really suggest working on your confidence as well as your independence.. the fact that you and your ex went on every trip together is absurd.. do you not have friend trips? seperate family trips prior to being married? bachelorette/bachelor parties?
I have been with my now husband for a total of 6 years.. dating 5 and married for 1 come September and since we first started dating we have always had a couiple seperate trips a year.. I understand this dynamic slightly changes when you get married and have a child and unless you are financially stable with plenty of disposable income and vacation time I get why you may have to miss a girls trip so you can go away as a family but this is all very extreme
If your boyfriend cares about you and loves you and you trust him there is nothing to worry about
Hun… there is literally beautiful women and men EVERYWHERE hotel bars, restaraunts, bars etc that all serve booze.. you will drive yourself and him crazy if you worry everytime he is anywhere without you that has the opposite sex and alcohol that is no way to live..
Post # 10
sunnybug10 : yeah sorry, this one is on you.
I think it’s pretty nervy to expect him not to go when you declined the invitation. I also agree with the PP that said you’re expecting your boyfriend to act like your ex. You two aren’t there yet. He isn’t your ex either. And he shouldn’t have to stay home because you have a kid.
And sorry, if I’ve been gone 3 days and talked to my SO every day I probably wouldn’t miss him either.
Sounds like you are on different pages of you have to act like his mom to keep him from looking.
Post # 11
I get thinking the couple should come first but this situation is comparing apples to oranges. Asking him to pick between a family holiday, particularly when it sounds like it will never happen again, and sitting home with you doing nothing isn’t fair. It’s pretty selfish to expect him to not go on this trip which is obviously important to him just because you don’t want to go.
Post # 12
This reads a little codependant and insecure to me.
He (and presumably his family) did invite you to come. That means you were welcome there. I don’t know any relatives who would use a family holiday as an opportunity to cheat. Men look, they have eyes. We do, too. It sounds like you don’t want him to look because it makes you feel threatened/insecure. Maybe you don’t like what you think he sees when he looks at you and that is why you feel insecure? But he is with YOU for a reason. You shouldn’t drive yourself insane trying to keep him close, under your heel and under “control.”
You said you went away for three days and spoke to him on the phone every day. ….And then asked him if he missed you? To be honest, I would not miss my Darling Husband after 3 days either. Especially if we kept in touch daily. And I adore him with all my heart. Some people just aren’t wired to NEED their partner with them every second of every day, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about you.
You cannot force some sort of blame on him for the negative feelings you have for him saying “no” to staying home. Really, that is not a reasonable request. And, you aren’t engaged and it sounds like your son is not his child, so asking him to stay home with you because you have childcare duties from a previous relationship isn’t yet a reasonable set of hurts.
It is totally normal to be a little down about people having fun when you don’t get to do that, but these other things sound like they are mostly in your head and not fair at all to your partner.
Post # 13
So it was ok when you went for that weekend getaway to a shower and he couldn’t go but when its him that’s going and you chose not to then it’s a big problem and he should stay home?
Selfish, controlling, insecure, codependent, etc etc
Post # 14
But…this was all your decision! You’re upset with him for your own decision.
Also, who cares how you and your ex operated when it came to vacations and family time? He’s your EX. You can’t expect your bf to be the same. If you want things to be the same as they were with your ex, maybe you should’ve stayed with him.
“Their entire point is to have the two families blend together and I just feel out of place. There is no current marriage timeline in place for me to think these people may be my family someday. No one is making me feel not part of this, it is just a feeling I have on my own.”
“Usually, we liked being together as a family unit doing things. That came first. I feel like my boyfriend is not there. He thinks of him and his family first and not us and it saddens me as it feels like he is picking them over me.”
You’re intentionally opting out of “family time” with his family by stating that you and your bf are NOT family yet and have no plans to be…but then complain that he isn’t treating you as family. If I were your bf I’d be so confused (and upset) with how you’re handling this whole thing.
Post # 15
A little jealous is understandable- who wouldn’t like to be on vacation?
But what stood out to me is your incredible selfishness and the fact that your definition of “family first” is that everyone has to forsake happy things in their lives individually because misery loves company. That isn’t family first, that is co-dependency. That is dysfunction at its finest. A family unit doesn’t just become some homogenous amorphous blob where people lose their individual identity and forsake all individual dreams and interests and activities. It is about being a team that builds each individual up to be better than you can accomplish individually.
Not putting family first would be if the house needed a new roof and instead he used the roof money to take a solo vacation and said screw you. But that isn’t the case. He has a rare opportunity to spend time with his entire family and you were offered the opportunity to join him. I believe only an incredibly selfish person would ask their partner to forsake their own opportunity, too.
I have only wanted good things for my partner – seeing him get opportunities and doing things that make him happy make me happy for him and likewise him for me. I’m going on a solo vacation in a few weeks. He can’t take the time off work. Is he mildly jealous of not having the vacation time to make it happen? Sure – because not being at work is awesome. But above all else he is really happy for me that I am taking the opportunity for myself and am having fun because I rarely take vacations. In fact, he may be more excited for me than I am at this point (though I’m sure I will get there closer to the date). He also takes trips without me because we have different interests – should he never get to do the kinds of things he likes to do because I don’t like them, too? When I started liking him, I didn’t stop liking museums and art galleries and when he started liking me he didn’t stop liking golf. So we compromise and we each do our own individual thing once in awhile and also do a couple thing that interests us both.
The fact that you can’t seem to set aside your own bitterness and jealousy to experience empathy and excitement for your partner is a bit concerning to me.