Boyfriend going on family vacation and I feel jealous and insecure

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PPs. I think you have a lot of your own issues that you need to deal with. If you don’t, you’re going to ruin your relationship by expecting him to cater to you or fill voids in an unhealthy way.

You’re clearly very insecure. The answer is not to keep him in your line of sight at all times or to badger him into telling him he misses you. (P.S., when you live with someone – even if you love them dearly – it’s okay to spend time apart and not miss them terribly.) It’s to deal with your own issues. 

Stop comparing your relationship to his relationship with his family. He is allowed to give attention to both. 

You say you trust him but you clearly don’t if you think him drinking and having a room to himself is something you need to be insecure about. Again, if he hasn’t given you a reason to think he will cheat, this is your own issue. Do not put it on him. People who don’t cheat don’t like to be accused of cheating/wanting to cheat/potentially cheating.

FOMO is a real thing. That’s why there’s a name for it. It’s also a fact of life. We can’t have everything or be everywhere. Get used to it.

Post # 17
Member
14965 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with PP.  You’re being contradictory and kind of putting yourself in this situation imo.  You were invited and included as part of the “family”… but then you yourself feel that you are out of place since you’re not technically familly and have no plans to offically become family by way of marriage.  But then you want him to pick a week of doing nothing with you as if you *are* family, rather than go on a fun time with his family??  It’s perfectly normal to feel a little bummed about a trip you cant/wont go on, but it’s unreasonable to expect him not to go here imo. 

And the not missing you bit is just insecurity imo.  He’s your bf, he’s choosen to live and be with you.  He’s allowed to go on a trip and have fun, it doesnt mean he doenst miss you or think about you. 

Post # 18
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Take it easy. He invited you, you could not go. That’s no reason for him to miss out. As for the jealousy – you either trust him, or you don’t.

D.H. also went on a family cruise without me, because I’d used up my vacation on two big trips that year (one of them with him). He didn’t even call, because the reception on a cruise ship is no good. Oh well. I got over my disappointment and used the alone time to catch up on sleep and do stuff that I enjoy, but he doesn’t. 

Post # 20
Member
3528 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

sunnybug10 :  If you’re struggling to figure out where these issues are stemming from, bringing in a professional is a really good idea. There is no shame in it. I’ve been to counselors off and on my entire adult life for one issue or another. 

Post # 21
Member
2802 posts
Sugar bee

The fact that you even asked him to stay back with you was pretty out of line. A) this is an important life event for him and his family B) You opted not to go, it wouldn’t have been impossible and C) You aren’t married so you aren’t a family unit. Mind you even if you were married I still don’t think it would be OK to ask him not to go.

BUT it sounds like this may be stemming from a larger issue – you don’t feel secure in this relationship in general. Even though you trust he won’t physically cheat, you don’t feel like he needs you and you think he crosses certain boundaries with other women. THOSE are the issues you should be addressing.

Post # 22
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You’ve been married and have a child from previous marriage but this post is coming off a bit immature and irrational. How old is your boyfriend and how long have you been together? I would completely understand being jealous of the trip because you can’t go for health reasons and because your son will be in school but to ask your boyfriend not to go is a really bad move. You have zero right to ask someone not to go to their family’s vacation that is also a wedding. It sounds like you don’t trust him at all so if that’s the case why are you with him? 

Post # 23
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

My husband just got back from a week cruise (he was gone a total of two weeks).  I have a 12 week old, so 10 weeks when he left.  A family member paid for the cruise to celebrate their (the family member’s) birthday and 20+ of his family went.  It was to a place we had never been to and I told him to go and it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  Mom came and watched the baby eight hours a day while I slept and I had the baby the other 16 (I’m on maternity leave).  I was happy for him and happy that I was able to facilitate this for him.  Each day I would Google where he was visiting and what people did there and I followed the cruise through GPS so I felt like I had a connection with him and would tell our kid what her dad was up to daily.

 

Are you sure you won’t be able to communicate?  We were able to communicate 13 out of 14 days.

Post # 25
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sunnybug10 :  “He has been verbally abusive in the past during arguments, has easily triggered anger issues, and has broken up with or threatened to break up as a scare tactic to stop an argument. Beginning of this year, I got sick of it after he said he hated me and called me the C word.”

Yuck. So he’s an abusive asshole. THAT should be your problem here. Not that he’s going on a cruise without you and doesn’t seem to miss you when he’s gone. Way to bury the lead! Dump him!

Post # 26
Member
3528 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

sunnybug10 :  ummm… with that latest update it doesn’t sound like the cruise is the issue at all…

The way he has treated you is unacceptable and I would have been out the door, not trying to make it work.

Post # 27
Member
4187 posts
Honey bee

Way to bury the lede. OP. Honestly he sounds like real douche a d I can only imagine what your child is learning. Nothing good, I’m sure.

Post # 28
Member
2802 posts
Sugar bee

Staying in a relationship that hurts you can make you react to things in uncharacteristic ways. The cruise isn’t the issue here – if you were happy and felt secure in the relationship then the cruise probably wouldn’t bother you. But as long as you stay in a situation where you’re being verbally abused and mistreated you’re going to feel insecure because your situation is not secure.

Post # 29
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Wasn’t expecting that update.  You need to be with someone who respects you.  I can’t imagine my husband calling me the c- word.  Dump him and move on.  

Post # 30
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

Man, you’d hate being my SO. Until marriage, SOs aren’t invited to anything family because they’re just BF/GFs. It’s just a way to keep relative strangers out. You’re not family until you’re actually family.

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