Post # 16
I agree with PPs. I think you have a lot of your own issues that you need to deal with. If you don’t, you’re going to ruin your relationship by expecting him to cater to you or fill voids in an unhealthy way.
You’re clearly very insecure. The answer is not to keep him in your line of sight at all times or to badger him into telling him he misses you. (P.S., when you live with someone – even if you love them dearly – it’s okay to spend time apart and not miss them terribly.) It’s to deal with your own issues.
Stop comparing your relationship to his relationship with his family. He is allowed to give attention to both.
You say you trust him but you clearly don’t if you think him drinking and having a room to himself is something you need to be insecure about. Again, if he hasn’t given you a reason to think he will cheat, this is your own issue. Do not put it on him. People who don’t cheat don’t like to be accused of cheating/wanting to cheat/potentially cheating.
FOMO is a real thing. That’s why there’s a name for it. It’s also a fact of life. We can’t have everything or be everywhere. Get used to it.
Post # 17
I agree with PP. You’re being contradictory and kind of putting yourself in this situation imo. You were invited and included as part of the “family”… but then you yourself feel that you are out of place since you’re not technically familly and have no plans to offically become family by way of marriage. But then you want him to pick a week of doing nothing with you as if you *are* family, rather than go on a fun time with his family?? It’s perfectly normal to feel a little bummed about a trip you cant/wont go on, but it’s unreasonable to expect him not to go here imo.
And the not missing you bit is just insecurity imo. He’s your bf, he’s choosen to live and be with you. He’s allowed to go on a trip and have fun, it doesnt mean he doenst miss you or think about you.
Post # 18
Take it easy. He invited you, you could not go. That’s no reason for him to miss out. As for the jealousy – you either trust him, or you don’t.
D.H. also went on a family cruise without me, because I’d used up my vacation on two big trips that year (one of them with him). He didn’t even call, because the reception on a cruise ship is no good. Oh well. I got over my disappointment and used the alone time to catch up on sleep and do stuff that I enjoy, but he doesn’t.
Post # 19
Thanks for the responses so far. I definitely feel like I am being overly insecure about things. I know in my mind it sounds completely ridiculous, even to me. I know it is wrong and disappointed in myself for having some of these thoughts. Not everything though as I don’t think it is wrong to sometimes want to be missed. I also don’t feel fully bad to wish I was there. Missing out on the fun sucks regardless of it being my choice.
I am not sure completely what some of the jealousy stems from or understand why I feel this way. I haven’t felt as insecure with any other boyfriend/husband in the past as I do with my current boyfriend. My only guesses are general insecurities about myself, insecurities related to my divorce, and/or insecurities about our relationship as we have had some really difficult times in our relationship. Only recently has it started to make an upturn.
It may not seem like it but I know this is something that is good for him and his family. I really do want him to have a better relationship with them that he didn’t have before and happy he gets to go. Regarding me asking him to not go was wrong however I did not tell him to not go. After he said he wanted to go I said okay and haven’t brought it up as an issue to him since or tried to make him feel guilty. My feelings I wrote I have kept inside. I stopped thinking about it for a while but since he started talking about it again as he is going soon it brought up some of my thoughts. I have not said anything to him directly about my feelings other than that first-time months ago talking about it. This is not something I want to bring up to him as I do feel I am being a bit irrational about it and don’t want to drag him into my personal issues and start a needless fight over my own insecurities.
Obviously, I have to do more digging as to why these feelings popped back up and work it out.
Post # 20
sunnybug10 : If you’re struggling to figure out where these issues are stemming from, bringing in a professional is a really good idea. There is no shame in it. I’ve been to counselors off and on my entire adult life for one issue or another.
Post # 21
The fact that you even asked him to stay back with you was pretty out of line. A) this is an important life event for him and his family B) You opted not to go, it wouldn’t have been impossible and C) You aren’t married so you aren’t a family unit. Mind you even if you were married I still don’t think it would be OK to ask him not to go.
BUT it sounds like this may be stemming from a larger issue – you don’t feel secure in this relationship in general. Even though you trust he won’t physically cheat, you don’t feel like he needs you and you think he crosses certain boundaries with other women. THOSE are the issues you should be addressing.
Post # 22
You’ve been married and have a child from previous marriage but this post is coming off a bit immature and irrational. How old is your boyfriend and how long have you been together? I would completely understand being jealous of the trip because you can’t go for health reasons and because your son will be in school but to ask your boyfriend not to go is a really bad move. You have zero right to ask someone not to go to their family’s vacation that is also a wedding. It sounds like you don’t trust him at all so if that’s the case why are you with him?
Post # 23
My husband just got back from a week cruise (he was gone a total of two weeks). I have a 12 week old, so 10 weeks when he left. A family member paid for the cruise to celebrate their (the family member’s) birthday and 20+ of his family went. It was to a place we had never been to and I told him to go and it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Mom came and watched the baby eight hours a day while I slept and I had the baby the other 16 (I’m on maternity leave). I was happy for him and happy that I was able to facilitate this for him. Each day I would Google where he was visiting and what people did there and I followed the cruise through GPS so I felt like I had a connection with him and would tell our kid what her dad was up to daily.
Are you sure you won’t be able to communicate? We were able to communicate 13 out of 14 days.
Post # 24
winewithwedding : My boyfriend is 37 and we have been together for 3 years. I know it was wrong to ask him to stay with me since I couldn’t go on the cruise, however, I definitely would not have asked him to stay if it included the wedding ceremony. I have some insecurities but not to the point of having him miss his Uncle’s actual wedding ceremony. The wedding ceremony is a month prior to the cruise. We were also invited to that as well which I said I would attend with him, but he said he didn’t want to attend the wedding ceremony since it was out of state and he couldn’t pay for both the wedding and cruise. The cruise is supposed to be the couple’s honeymoon and they decided they wanted it to be a family honeymoon instead of being alone.
In a way, I do not trust everything about him and have insecurities about our relationship in general which I know brings out other insecurities that may be more on the irrational side. He has been verbally abusive in the past during arguments, has easily triggered anger issues, and has broken up with or threatened to break up as a scare tactic to stop an argument. Beginning of this year, I got sick of it after he said he hated me and called me the C word. I said it was over as I was just tired of being treated that way as nothing I have said or done should have caused him to treat me this way. After a time of cooling off for a few days and me not speaking to him, he told me he regrets how he has been treating me, knows he has a problem, and wanted to go to therapy to fix it as he doesn’t want to mess stuff up with us anymore and would do what it takes to make our relationship work. I said I would give him this last chance as I felt it was sincere as I seriously think he is not a bad guy but just never learned how to control himself. Since then he has been going to therapy and it has helped him however he is still working on it but I know therapy takes time. The relationship has been improving. However, I still have trust issues because of everything in the past. Just because he goes to therapy doesn’t mean I have forgotten what he said or scared he will blow up and break up with me again. Also recently I broached the subject of future about a month before our three-year mark where he got all pissed off and said I was pressuring him. Post about that is here https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/wait-for-marriage-later-or-move-on/. I was not pressuring him at all, never said I was looking for him to ask me, never put a date on him, just simply asked for a status on how he feels and if we are still moving in the same direction and have the same goals. His response made me feel awkward about us and didn’t help my lack of trust issue with him. After we had a second talk, we agreed to go to couples counseling which we don’t start until August though. I am hoping that will help with some of my insecurities and also help him understand why I have these insecurities.
sboom : We are going to start couples counseling in August. Mentioned why in the above comment. Hopefully, that counselor can discuss with us both on communicating better as well as why I may have issues letting go of my insecurities and how I can deal with them.
Post # 25
sunnybug10 : “He has been verbally abusive in the past during arguments, has easily triggered anger issues, and has broken up with or threatened to break up as a scare tactic to stop an argument. Beginning of this year, I got sick of it after he said he hated me and called me the C word.”
Yuck. So he’s an abusive asshole. THAT should be your problem here. Not that he’s going on a cruise without you and doesn’t seem to miss you when he’s gone. Way to bury the lead! Dump him!
Post # 26
sunnybug10 : ummm… with that latest update it doesn’t sound like the cruise is the issue at all…
The way he has treated you is unacceptable and I would have been out the door, not trying to make it work.
Post # 27
Way to bury the lede. OP. Honestly he sounds like real douche a d I can only imagine what your child is learning. Nothing good, I’m sure.
Post # 28
Staying in a relationship that hurts you can make you react to things in uncharacteristic ways. The cruise isn’t the issue here – if you were happy and felt secure in the relationship then the cruise probably wouldn’t bother you. But as long as you stay in a situation where you’re being verbally abused and mistreated you’re going to feel insecure because your situation is not secure.
Post # 29
Wasn’t expecting that update. You need to be with someone who respects you. I can’t imagine my husband calling me the c- word. Dump him and move on.
Post # 30
Man, you’d hate being my SO. Until marriage, SOs aren’t invited to anything family because they’re just BF/GFs. It’s just a way to keep relative strangers out. You’re not family until you’re actually family.