Boyfriend going on family vacation and I feel jealous and insecure

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
759 posts
Busy bee

I was horrified at the selfishness and rampant insecurity that came through in every word in your post.

First, you receive an invite to a family wedding but instead of being gracious, snarkily comment that “there is no marriage timeline so I can’t see them as my family one day.” You decline said invitation. Fine. That is your perfect right.

Then, you contradict yourself in that, even though you have said you are not planning marriage to your boyfriend and feel no loyalty to his family, you want him to behave the same as your ex-husband. The ex-husband whom you divorced. Who is your ex. And has no bearing on this relationship.

You want him to decline to attend a very special family event to sit at home with you. You give no thought whatsoever to the bride and groom, whose special day it is. Everyone must be deprived of your boyfriend’s company because you feel insecure.

You say you support this family vacation, but you are only paying lip service to that. If you truly were supportive, you would wish him a good time and tell him you hope it goes well. I cannot believe you would expect him to miss out on a special occasion like this, that he will not have an opportunity to do again for a long time, to sit at home with you.

AND even though he has never cheated, or given you any reason to think he is anything other than a devoted, faithful boyfriend, you attribute all kinds of “looking” behaviour to him and think it is your role to “call him out” on this? Where do you come from? A trustworthy person deserves so much better than this.

As for this him not missing you nonsense, you need a reality check:

* A person is entitled to time alone and with their friends. Even when they are married or in a relationship. They are entitled to enjoy it.

* You spoke on the phone every day. I’m assuming you texted as well. It’s not as if he disappeared or said he didn’t love you any more.

* It was THREE FREAKING DAYS. I very frequently don’t miss my boyfriend when we are apart for that long. I have a life. I have other things going on. If I miss him, I tell him and he tells me. But demanding to know if he has missed me and getting all sulky if he hasn’t? That’s needy and controlling. And I’ve got news for you: it will make someone pull away from you, and miss you even less.

* If you actually have to ask someone if they miss you, it really loses its meaning. 

You really need to learn to just let go and let your boyfriend be himself, and learn how to make yourself happy. You put waaaay too much on him and it is unattractive. And you will lose him. Your behaviour is very controlling and self-centred.

Post # 33
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sunnybug10 :  Okay… but you’re completely skipping over your last update where you admitted that your boyfriend is actually pretty horrible. I think you’re ignoring the ACTUAL problem here. It has nothing to do with this trip. You’re probably super insecure with him because he calls you names and treats you badly. He’s not a good boyfriend. 

Post # 34
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

llevinso :  I have to agree. Insecurities like this don’t just “happen” in a relationship, there is always a catalyst.

Post # 35
Member
2928 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

sunnybug10 :  Yeah, you didn’t put any information in your first post about his name calling and overall what a bad guy he is, so that’s why you got the answers you got.  Your updates paint a very different picture of this guy.

But even if he doesn’t want to spend the actual time with his family, you need to ask yourself why that bothers you so much?  I mean, you did still say no to the trip and that doesn’t mean by default that he should stay home with you.  That’s not how it works.  My husband takes a guys trip with his dad, brothers and a couple of guy cousins every year and they don’t spend every second of every day together.

There’s a lot more going on with this relationship that the trip and I think you need to do some soul searching to see if this is really a relationship you want to remain in.

Post # 36
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee

I would postpone couples therapy and start therapy by yourself. Talking about your insecurities in front of an abusive person just gives them a road map to abuse you in the future. Individual therapy will allow you to explore and address the underlying issues that result in your acceptance of unhealthy relationships. 

Post # 38
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Couple things 

I know no one else said this , but no way would I trust any guy to go on a cruise where they planned on drinking all night with single women ( regardless of looks)  if I was exclusively dating them.

( if you are both allowed to date and or sleep with others than it doesnt matter what he does on the cruise) Ive been on enough cruises to see more than my fair share of accidental cheaters and idiots who got too drunk and made stupid decisions. Sorry, either you go with him or expect him to hook up with other women and claim he didnt mean to ( if you ever get to find out) 

It was totally wrong to ask him to stay. If you couldn’t go and he didnt WANT to stay with you and he wants to go drinking and hanging out with other women you have your answer.

second thing : dude called you a c word? That wasnt part of your inital post , but yeah drop him NOW. 

dont waste your life with someone who would use that word – ever.  You should always treat any partner with respect and they should always reciprocate that respect. People get angry but as adults that you would have be around a child, those who are abusive should never be welcome. he is clearly not committed to the relationship and probably shouldnt be in one with anyone until he can learn to control his tongue. 

Run and dont look back. 

 

Post # 39
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

You sound like you struggle with being possessive. You seem to really think he should have chosen to miss out on a very special and fun family event just because you can’t go. Even if you were married, to me this kind of expectation is way overboard. I have men in my life who got into serious relationships with women who were threatened like you are, and though the guys will initially act whipped, those kind of relationships never seem to last and both partners will appear more miserable over time. 

If you really love him then you have to be tuned into your love here for him. Because wanting him to miss out on something like this, asking him to, and then resenting him for not placating you, is the opposite of love. Someone who loves will want their love to have a full life, and that includes nurturing all of their relationships, including family. The fact that he said no to you is healthy. The fact that you asked him is not. Referring to him as “set in his ways” because he wasn’t going to bail on this important event is very strange. It’s not being rigid, it’s having self respect. If you want to get over these feelings, then realize how much more you respect a partner who is not a push over. Honestly, the patterns you describe in your old marriage were codependent at best. There’s a reason it didn’t last between you guys. Clearly that habit did not make you and your ex a strong and permanent “we.”

Is it ok to have these feelings? It’s not ok because it is not healthy at all. You describe your bf as somewhat distant in that he doesn’t act like he misses you and you are the one left wondering how he feels when you’re away. This is because you are being very clingy with him. Behavior like asking him to ditch an important family event to placate you is a perfect example. He should never feel like you are tugging at him, resenting his time with others, pulling at him. When a person feels like that they don’t miss their partner, they long for the moment they are out of the house and free. They look forward to getting away. You are setting him up psychologically to long for an escape. Part of him might be flattered by your clingy ways but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to long for space as a result. He would be missing you and thinking of you if you had your own things going on and acted like you were nothing but happy for him. If my husband has to go away without me he will apologize and try to talk me into letting him stay, call me all the time while he is away, and definitely he will make it known that he missed me. This is because I do not ever act clingy! If I ever did feel even a zilch of that, which I don’t because I enjoy being alone, I would squash it instantly and definitely never let him know that was going on in my mind. That’s what you should do. 

If you want to change these feelings, decide to have dignity over clinginess. These feelings and this behavior is not dignified. Never ask for his time again, never beg or plead and never resent. Have dignity instead. Have your own life and get so interested in it you look forward to being alone. And encourage him to live his! If he realizes you want him to be happy and live a full life then he will feel lucky to be with you and want to come closer to you rather than pull away.

I’m sorry this comment is a little harsh. I don’t mean any cruelty. I’m just a blunt person and I think you need to hear the truth.

Post # 40
Member
10849 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sunnybug10 :  

He’s an abuser.  Leave.  Abuse always escalates.  It may happen today, tomorrow, next month, or 20 years from now.  But, it will happen.

It’s just lovely that he is in therapy.  Have him check in with you after 12 months.  Did he acknowledge to his therapist that he is an abuser?  Does his therapist regularly work with abusers?  Therapists who know how to treat abusers and can stomach it are few and far between.

A truly knowledgeable therapist would have toold him to separate from you, usually a year is considered sufficient time to determine if the abuser has any capacity to change.  It is very, very rare.

Small wonder that your anxiety levels are up.  They should be.  You’re telling yourself how wrong this relationship is.

Read Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft.  That will clarify a lot for you.

And NO couples therapy with abusers!  It makes things worse.  You’ll be handing him a roadmap to your most vulnerable points, which he will exploit.  He will sharpen his manipulation skills.  And, abusers often punish their victims privately for what they reveal in session.

What the hell difference does it make what he says to his therapist about you?

Post # 40
Member
759 posts
Busy bee

sunnybug10 :  

I apologise for my harsh tone, but it was based purely on your initial post, which did not paint you in a very good light, I’m sorry to say.

Even if you are grappling with insecurities, and even if we have all grappled with insecurities and still do, that does not give a person a free pass on certain behavior, and if you behave badly, you should expect to be called out on it.

The information you have shared since puts a very, very different light on things.

Your update on the way your boyfriend treats you is very concerning. I would say that you have virtually no chance of getting your insecurities under control when you are afraid of your boyfriend becoming explosive or calling you names or threatening to leave. These are very verbally abusive behaviours, and you should run for the hills.

sassy411’s advice that you check in with him after a year is very good advice. If he is truly committed to change, you will see good evidence of that after some time has passed. It will also give you time to work on your own issues and figure out why you are so willing to tolerate this persistent, awful feelings.

I don’t think either of you can really help each other with your issues the way things stand currently. Personally, I would never be able to go back to someone who called me the C word.

Post # 41
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

Dump him. He’s a jerk and he doesn’t take you seriously. He’s mean to you and he’s full of it. He’s just planning on getting drunk and checking out chicks the whole times he’s on the cruise. The reason you’re insecure is because you know this deep down. 

I generally think it would be fine for him to go on the family vacation after you were invited and declined but in this instance I think the boyfriend is problematic and he’s making you crazy and insecure. 

Post # 42
Member
10849 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Another thing about abusers, they are rarely monagamous.  Their sense of entitlement is too overblown to allow for that.  And they generally require an uninterrupted flow of adoration.  Many abusers are hyper-sexual.

So, concerns about the abusive bf cheating are probably well founded.

Yey another good reason for a hasty exit.  And to be tested for STIs.

Post # 43
Member
9934 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Betty1 :  You have a super low opinion of men if you expect to be cheated on if you aren’t there to supervise any drinking around women. 

Some men, yes. But not a blanket statement over all men. 

Post # 44
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You can’t just say you want him to go and then ask him not to go. Face it, you don’t want him to go, but you know that makes you seem like a bitch. Sometimes we have to be grown-ups and miss fun things.

 

Edited after seeing your update: Ok, so he’s abusive. The solution is simple. Leave him while he’s on this cruise. 

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