Post # 46
sassy411 : thank you for the book idea. I will look into it. I told him that I felt it was emotional abuse before he went to therapy and did not believe me. When he came back from his first session i believe he told the truth of how he treated me. He said the therapist said he what he was doing was emotional abuse, said he did not realize it was that bad, apologized, and has been working on it since. I believe his therapist is good for him. He has gotten better with her help over the past couple months. Sometimes still loses his cool but has not broken up with me or called me bad names. He takes a time out now when he gets angry and comes back later to finish our discussion more calmed down. It is hard to just give up a relationship of three years invested when there are other things about him i care for and treates me well outside of how he argue unfairlu and mean. As well as knowing he is actively working with the issue to improve himself. Even though I have seen those improvements these past couple months I still do not trust. I always find it hard to trust people after they have wronged me. I can move on, it just takes a long time to gain trust back. This is where I think I need some help with a therapist for trust as well as not move our relationship forward with him and see how commited he will be with it as you say. If he continues to do well and sticks with it I can keep the relationship going. If he does not then I can do what annabeth929 : said and leave him while he is on the cruise! It is in October so it gives me more time to see how committed he is to getting better as well as me working on trust.
Post # 47
sunnybug10 : Your original post didn’t present things clearly, which I understand. Sometimes when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, your self esteem and sense of normalcy tank so low that you don’t realize how bad things really are for you. Of course you feel paranoid, insecure, controlling and worried about what he’s going to do on his vacation. He’s not respectful of you, and it sounds like his desire to go on the trip at all has nothing to do with his family and everything to do with him using it as an excuse to get drunk and relax. In that sense, it sounds like your concerns are valid.
It does not help a relationship for an abuser to go see a therapist. Often, they lie about what is really going on in a relationship and paint themselves as the victim, which only boosts their ego and sense of righteousness. They learn the language of therapists and start using that language to “analyze” you, further convincing you that you are the unhealthy one. And you ARE unhealthy – because of him.
There is no relationship with someone who breaks up with you, calls you names, makes plans that invite unsafe/bad behavior. This is toxic. And it is contributing to how you feel about yourself, how often you worry, and how you feel about this trip. I really encourage you to talk to a therapist as well, separately and openly, about your situation.
Post # 48
No, Bee. A couple of months of therapy does not convert an abuser into a non abuser. If that were possible, there would be a lot less dead women in the world.
Your bf is putting on a show. No doubt, he’s white knuckling it. He may have the therapist snowed, it happens all the time, especially if the therapist lacks sufficient expertise in working with abusers. I am side eyeing any therapist who didn’t tell you to separate.
You have it completely backwards. The path to healing is for you to live apart, and for him to earn your trust back over time. You’re handing him your trust, which he does not deserve, and taking away points if he misbehaves. That won’t work. He doesn’t care what you say. What matters to him is that you are still there. It’s a big victory for him.
Bee, abusers do not change. In the exceedingly rare case that one does, it takes years of hard work, not months. Abuse goes to the very core of who he is. It is very often a symptom of a personality disorder.
Read the Bancroft book.
If you stay, it is 100% guaranteed that he will abuse you again.
Post # 50
sassy411 : I will defiently will read the book. I will have to think a bit more about moving apart while he is going through therapy. I will likely go into therapy by mydelf and discuss this as well with them. Thank you.
Post # 51
sunnybug10 : when my partner gets to do something lovely with friends or family, I am happy for him. Last year I travelled by myself to a friend’s wedding in France, and toured Italy and went to the UK. He was happy for me. Isn’t it nice that he will have this lovely time reconnecting with family?
Post # 52
sunnybug10 : oops, made my comment before I read your updates. There’s obviously a lot more at play here. I can understand your insecurities.
Post # 53
notmeeither : you would be surprised my aunt cheates on my uncle on a fanily vacay we go on ever year. Don’t make assumptions.
Post # 54
as a matter of fact, as a guy, i think it’s in our blood to check out on girls while drinking out with friends. but as long as we can control ourselves not to cheat on our other half, that should’be fine. just keep in touch wherever he goes. even if he don’t reply back or he did but takes a longer time to do it, keep your cool. guys really likes it when his woman trust him
Post # 55
sunnybug10 : I’m sorry, but what can you be thinking to stay with any boyfriend who could ever be capable of treating you like this? And with a child to consider no less? Three years or three months in, you are not even engaged or married to the man. Forget all about couple’s therapy. Forget about him “getting help” for anyone but himself.
I will straight out say you would be frankly irresponsible to risk your future and that of your child. The likelihood of any permanent change is slim, while the risk of harm, either physical or emotional is almost a certainty. You already show the scars.
I don’t care what his therapist says or how much he’s “improved” in a short amount time. It simply doesn’t work that way. This should have been an automatic dealbreaker. Your insecurity is your gut’s way of trying to tell you something.
Post # 56
Very well said. Agree 10,000%