Boyfriend going on family vacation and I feel jealous and insecure

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

sunnybug10 :  Your original post didn’t present things clearly, which I understand. Sometimes when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, your self esteem and sense of normalcy tank so low that you don’t realize how bad things really are for you.  Of course you feel paranoid, insecure, controlling and worried about what he’s going to do on his vacation.  He’s not respectful of you, and it sounds like his desire to go on the trip at all has nothing to do with his family and everything to do with him using it as an excuse to get drunk and relax. In that sense, it sounds like your concerns are valid.

It does not help a relationship for an abuser to go see a therapist. Often, they lie about what is really going on in a relationship and paint themselves as the victim, which only boosts their ego and sense of righteousness. They learn the language of therapists and start using that language to “analyze” you, further convincing you that you are the unhealthy one.  And you ARE unhealthy – because of him.

There is no relationship with someone who breaks up with you, calls you names, makes plans that invite unsafe/bad behavior.  This is toxic. And it is contributing to how you feel about yourself, how often you worry, and how you feel about this trip. I really encourage you to talk to a therapist as well, separately and openly, about your situation.

Post # 48
Member
10699 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sunnybug10 :  

No, Bee.  A couple of months of therapy does not convert an abuser into a non abuser.  If that were possible, there would be a lot less dead women in the world.

Your bf is putting on a show.  No doubt, he’s white knuckling it. He may have the therapist snowed, it happens all the time, especially if the therapist lacks sufficient expertise in working with abusers.  I am side eyeing any therapist who didn’t tell you to separate.

You have it completely backwards.  The path to healing is for you to live apart, and for him to earn your trust back over time.  You’re handing him your trust, which he does not deserve, and taking away points if he misbehaves.  That won’t work.  He doesn’t care what you say.  What matters to him is that you are still there.  It’s a big victory for him.

Bee, abusers do not change.  In the exceedingly rare case that one does, it takes years of hard work, not months.  Abuse goes to the very core of who he is.  It is very often a symptom of a personality disorder.

Read the Bancroft book.

If you stay, it is 100% guaranteed that he will abuse you again.

Post # 49
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

hmm…

 

Post # 51
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

sunnybug10 :  when my partner gets to do something lovely with friends or family, I am happy for him. Last year I travelled by myself to a friend’s wedding in France, and toured Italy and went to the UK. He was happy for me. Isn’t it nice that he will have this lovely time reconnecting with family?

Post # 52
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

 

sunnybug10 :  oops, made my comment before I read your updates. There’s obviously a lot more at play here. I can understand your insecurities. 

Post # 53
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

notmeeither :  you would be surprised my aunt cheates on my uncle on a fanily vacay we go on ever year. Don’t make assumptions.

Post # 54
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2018

as a matter of fact, as a guy, i think it’s in our blood to check out on girls while drinking out with friends. but as long as we can control ourselves not to cheat on our other half, that should’be fine. just keep in touch wherever he goes. even if he don’t reply back or he did but takes a longer time to do it, keep your cool. guys really likes it when his woman trust him

Post # 55
Member
12128 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

sunnybug10 :  I’m sorry, but what can you be thinking to stay with any boyfriend who could ever be capable of treating you like this? And with a child to consider no less? Three years or three months in, you are not even engaged or married to the man. Forget all about couple’s therapy. Forget about him “getting help” for anyone but himself. 

I will straight out say you would be frankly irresponsible to risk your future and that of your child. The likelihood of any permanent change is slim, while the risk of harm, either physical or emotional is almost a certainty. You already show the scars.  

I don’t care what his therapist says or how much he’s “improved” in a short amount time. It simply doesn’t work that way. This should have been an automatic dealbreaker. Your insecurity is your gut’s way of trying to tell you something. 

Post # 56
Member
10699 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

weddingmaven :  

Very well said.  Agree 10,000%

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