Boyfriend going out til late every time he's away for work

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

dalia88 :  But from your posts, it seems he has touched base with you, it’s the infrequency of the texts that bothers you/ him being out late-ish while away. I think you’ll need to sort out whether this is a trust issue or an anxiety issue. If he’s given you no reason to be suspicious, then it’s more likely the latter, especially as you say you picture worst case scenarios. If you do have reason to be suspicious, then you need to deal with this directly and have a talk with him. 

I don’t say this unsympathetically because anxiety issues are a real concern. BUT expecting your boyfriend to alter his not un-reasonable behaviour to ease your anxieties is not the best solution, in fact it can lead to a slippery slope where you do more and more to try and alleviate your anxieties instead of addressing them head on. 

Post # 32
Member
3334 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I dunno, whenever I go on work trips, I enjoy spending time with co-workers I don’t get to see often, and eating on the company dime lol. It probably doesn’t annoy my Fiance as much when I travel, because I’m travelling to a different time zone, so when I’m going to bed at 1am, he’s watching tv at 11pm lol.

I don’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing. He shouldn’t need to duck away to a cafe to get wifi to send you an email 3x a day. That’s unprofessional and weird.

Post # 33
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

I think you’re being ridiculous. He doesn’t have internet on his phone while travelling. You expect him to take time while travelling with colleagues to stop into a cafe, connect to wifi, and message you just to say hi? Can you imagine how embarrassing and unprofessional that would be for him. I travel frequently for work and behave similarly to your boyfriend AND I can text all day (same country). If he had a problem with it I’d feel like my independence was being majorly impeded on. I text him when my flight lands and when I get back to the hotel after the long day and then again when I’m waiting for my flight home. He only texts me when I’m travelling if he has something actually important to say. Please take a step back and look at how ridiculous you’re being before you confront him.

Post # 34
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

So I think your problem is that you have a certain relationship “expectation” that your boyfriend make the effort to contact you more when out of the country. Who knows where that comes from. It could be unwarranted jealousy, it could be warranted suspicion, it could be lack of family affection or consistency growing up. Whatever. It’s a need you’re identifying that you have. You have two options in front of you.

1.) Analyze the need, decide it’s silly, based in unhealthy emotions (unwarranted jealousy for instance), and that you don’t actually want to validate it. You want to “pahse it out,” so to speak.

Down this path, you tell your boyfriend about your feelings, let him know you think they aren’t healthy and you will work on them, then you do that work when he’s gone. You plan ahead of time to fill up your day or night, you set your expectation to NOT hear from him, etc. Eventually, if nothing shady’s going on, and you consistently work against this need, you can get rid of it. 

2.) Analyze the need, decide yes, I DO need this – it’s something I would want/need to feel happy in ANY relationship, not just this one. It has nothing to do with jealousy or not trusting this person, this is just the level of consideration I want in a relationship.

From here, you sit your boyfriend down and just fill him in. I’ve idetified that this is a need I have in a relationship, and I need to know if you will make the effort to meet that need or not. I don’t need constant contact, but I do need consistency, I need some effort from you to acknowledge me when you’re away. It’s as simple as stealing away to the “bathroom” before, during, or after dinner and having a short 5 minute text convo with me. 

^^I did this with my boyfriend who has ADHD very early into our relationship. He would text bomb me for a few days and then randomly go MIA for a day and then back to text bombing and it was starting to make me resent him b/c I have a high need for consistency. So before my mind could go anywhere negative, I just honestly told him about this need of mine, he tried to say his ADHD meant he most likely COULDN’T meet that need, and I said, ok that means we are not compatible and should go our separate ways, and boy did his tune change!

I wasn’t being manipulative or coercive, or throwing out ultimatums. I was a person who had identified certain needs I have to be happy in a relationship, and I communicated them non-emotionally to my boyfriend and asked if he felt he could meet them. Obviously I’m not going to waste more than a few months dating someone who I’m not fundamentally compatible with.

Post # 35
Member
2404 posts
Buzzing bee

Is this about trust or is it anxiety?  

Post # 37
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

dalia88 :  I do the same and I am not messing around. Sometimes I just like to have fun with colleagues and it doesn’t involve romance.

Post # 38
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

dalia88 :  

This would bother me to an extent. There is always time to keep in communication.

Darling Husband frequently goes out of town for work. Once he was in a cabin in the woods, but would make an effort to drive up to the highway for signal to call me for 15-20 minutes everyday.

I am a big believer that if it feels wrong it probably is, a man can make time for you. Yes he is at work but from 2pm-3AM? That’s ALOT of time to not have a washroom break, or moment to yourself for a quick text.

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